Merry Christmas and All That Stuff

I never stopped to think about Christmas and what it means to the people that are in my life. I usually just say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year like it's an everyday event.  I brush it off, so to speak, as just a thing that is said at this time of year, a reciprocation at times, of those very words being uttered to me.

For some of us this is the time to celebrate the life of Christ, it is all about "Our Savior's birth".

For some of us it is just holiday, a time away from the stresses of work and a time to recharge the batteries to be ready to start the coming year with full on energy.

For some of us it is all about family, being with family, being with loved ones or watching the faces of children as they open the, what seems to be, never ending shiny wrapped boxes and gifts.

For some of us it is a time for reflection.  A time to look back over the past year and to try to understand the lessons schooled, or to work out how next year can be improved upon from the year about to be left behind.

But for some us, Christmas, or whatever it is that your belief's tell you this time of year is, is nothing but a painful reminder of the losses and the hollowness we feel.  For some, to reminisce on times past isn't filled with happiness and family fun times.  Some people are reminded of traumatic and tragic times and this time of year only serves to remind some us, of those times of struggle.  It can be a time of loneliness, deep sorrow and to some, excruciatingly painful.  It may even be a time some feel lost, isolated or just plain depressed.

As a child growing up, we didn't have much in the way of money, but we didn't know that.

Dad was so excited about Christmas.  Seeing his four daughters faces as we opened our Santa gifts, was Dad's favorite moment.  He would be creative in the way he would wake us up.  At 4 the morning (because he couldn't wait any longer for Christmas to arrive) Dad would inevitably try something different each year to wake us.  Be it The Supremes blaring Jingle Bells from the stereo, or a bell being rung as he skipped up and down the hallway calling out "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas everybody, time to open your gifts cause Santa's been".  It would be a guess for his daughters as to what part of the world "Santa" had just visited.  In his "traditional" Santa suit, a white singlet with a pillow stuck up it and I'm a Very Merry Santa written on it, Christmas boxer shorts, a Santa hat, socks pulled up as high as they would go and either thongs or gum boots, Dad would dutifully tell us of the places he had been before he landed in "Austraywia" as he was handing out our presents.

I distinctly remember one year, dad and mum thought it would be fun to mix up the name tags on the gifts and write things like, "to you from me", "to me from her" or "to her from it" and things like that; But what they failed to do was make note of what was wrapped and who it was actually for.  The gifts were handed out to each of us, not knowing if the right ones were given to the right child.  As each gift was opened, we would be told that it was either ours and we got to keep it, or to give it to one of the sisters because the present opened wasn't actually for the child who opened it. This is one of my favorite memories of Christmas growing up as a child.

For many years Christmas was about love, laughter and celebrating being with family.  It was about my mum and dad doing everything they could to create memories that would stay with each of their children for many years to come, to create traditions.  Some Christmas mornings were just talked about and some would be recreated, so to speak, over the years to come.  I wish I could go back to those times with today's technology and film them all to replay now, so many years down the track.

I have mourned the loss of my childhood Christmas morning for the past 26 years and was ready to do it again this year.  Christmas stopped being fun, it stopped being about family and became a time for me to be sad because I had lost my Mum and my family were all living their own lives.  Only being with my whole family made Christmas special for me.  Last Christmas, though bittersweet, was one of the best I can remember having.  Again, I was with my Dad and step Mum, all of my sisters and their children and their children's partners.  It was big, it was loud, it was a whole heap of fun. How wrong I was though, to believe that it would be my last, happy Christmas knowing I was going to be saying goodbye to my dad in the coming months.

What I have come to realize over the past few weeks as Christmas is approaching, is that this time of year is so many things to so many people.  I now have friends all over the world as well as those that stand beside me everyday and no two friends feel the same about Christmas.

Even though Christmas this year will be the first without either of my parents, I have decided that I am not going to be sad because I am not with my whole family and two of the people I have loved more than life.  I am going to celebrate Christmas because I will be with Steve and there are still people I love more than life here, with me.  I am enriched with friendships and blessed to have each of my "pen pals" in my life.  I have family around the world now that are my reason for smiling everyday.  I am blessed to have people I can turn to whenever I need support, love or guidance, or just a good ole belly laugh and I that have people in my life, makes it all the more reason to celebrate. I am going to celebrate this Christmas as the birth of my new Christmas attitude.  It's a happy feeling, a feeling of worth.

I am stronger this year for all that I have been through.  I have learned that the people in my life are in my life.  Each of you have made it richer, earthier, saner, crazier, more memorable and for that I thank you.  Whether you choose to celebrate Christmas or whether you choose to not celebrate it, please know that this year, I am celebrating for you and I am celebrating YOU.

So, in the spirit of this time of year and all that it represents to everyone differently, for me, it is my time to just say, Thank you!   Thank you for being a part of my world and sticking with me through and through. Your souls shine so brightly they each lead me to my tomorrows every day.

With love
Janeen

Contradictions in Life

Reflecting on the events of this year isn’t easy, but… in order for me to move forward, reflecting on what has passed is what I need to do.  I need to find the lessons that I was, or need to learn through it all.

There have been times when I felt that I was doing okay and there were others when I thought that if I had to take one more breath that I would collapse because my lungs had forgotten how to work.

I have cried several bucket loads of tears in sorrow but also laughed until I have held my stomach and cried.  I have talked into the winds until my voice has echoed back into my own ears.  I have smiled until I thought my face would crack and I have felt nothing, absolutely nothing.  I have reached highs as big as mountains and found energy that I haven’t felt in over 20 years but there have been times, when even sitting down was too exhausting to think about.

I have wondered at the reason for life and the meaning of it all and I have told myself that I just don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  However, I have learned that I am loved and that some people do value me and I have also learned that those I thought were a friend, were a far worse an enemy than they ever were, a friend.

I have had friends that have betrayed their loved ones and their loved ones who have betrayed my friends.  I have held onto both a cherished dog and my cat, my life partner of animal kind of 15 years, as they traveled their way over the pet rainbow to wait for me to join them, no matter how long it takes me to get there.  I have danced in the laundry as I ironed wrinkled cloths and sworn at the dryer when it has chimed that the cycle is finished.  I have hauled 1000’s of kilograms of groceries from the car to the kitchen and I have walked up and down the hallway of my house more times that I have walked out the back door.

I have driven the car around the block in anger as well as around the block until my favorite song on the radio finished.  I have cursed the golf club that my partner plays at because he is always there but I have thanked it in return for taking him away on the weekends when I needed the space.  I have been a mass of contradictions from one minute to another but there is nothing that can be done to change that now.

The one thing I have never been, throughout everything this year, is a liar to thy self.  I have always known that I wasn’t feeling what I should or acting as I was supposed to and I have always known that I wanted more from this life than the life I am currently living.  I have always known that the only person that can make life happen to me is me, and I have always known that I am the only one that can stop myself from achieving my goals as much as I am the only one that can achieve them.

So why am I writing this mass of confusion blog?  Well, because I am confused.  I am a woman in her late 40’s still trying to work out what I am supposed to be doing here and what is the purpose of my life.  I guess deep down I know that everything is okay.  I am more together than some but have more stuffing falling out of the seams that I haven’t quite stitched closed yet than others, but, that’s okay.  I, am okay.  I might not feel much at the moment and I may be walking around with buckets filled with water rather than eye sockets, but I’m allowed to be sad, and I am allowed to feel nothing. 

I just hope this feeling of nothing hurries the hell up and moves on.  I want to go back to feeling awesome again.

© Janeen Hayes 2015

BatB - More Than Just a TV Show

I woke this morning feeling positive about many things.  No matter the day’s lesson to learn, or tribulation that would surface, in reflection of the day’s events I know I always try to find something good, something that I want to remember and sometimes, something to reflect on that has taught me a new life lesson.

Already this morning I know that although I am currently sitting at home because I don’t feel all that great, I am and was at home to get the news that my favorite TV show is coming to an end and would not be renewed for a 5th season.  Although the show ending devastates me beyond what many would call reason, the positive is that I am home and that I get to process what this actually means to me and my life. 

Many of you may think, so what!  It’s a television show, it’s happened before and it will happen again and just get over it but, this is where I believe that not to be true.  This TV show was more than just people acting out characters on a screen, bringing to life whatever story line was written for that episode.  This show introduced me to a whole other world that I would never have known existed without it.

Through it, I have “met” some people that will be lifelong friends.  People whom have always shown me love and support.  They guided me, advised me, inspired me and have been there for me.  We have disagreed, agreed, drooled, dreamed and fantasized about the story lines and chemistry of the actors on our screen.  We have bounded together and fought for the show that everyone said was not worthy of renewal but we fought together and managed to get a 4 season show.  I didn’t necessarily agree with the plot lines of the show and sometimes I totally disagreed with the arch of a characters story, but…. Regardless of what was happening in this fantasy world, my real world was still knocking on my door and at times, bulldozing it to the floor.

Had it not been for this TV show, I don’t know that I would have been able to make it through this year as “positively” as I have.  It is amazing to know that all I have to do now is sit at my computer and there are a number of people that I can reach out too. It doesn’t matter what time it is or whether I am dressed up to the nines or wearing trackies (sweats), I have friends that are 24 hours a day there for me.  I don’t know if there are many people that can say that.  If it weren’t for this TV show, the support that has helped me through this year would never have existed.  Where would I be now if that were the case?

Throughout this year I have received flowers, notes, gifts, little emoticons waving at me or sending me hearts in private messages, I have had messages of support, words of wisdom and encouragement that whatever I was experiencing at the time would pass.  And it’s true, I have learned that time is an amazing thing as it enables us to step away, analyse and rethink, but the love and support from the people sending the messages to me never wavered over time and remained my constant. 

Sometimes I have felt unworthy of the friendships and felt that it has totally been one sided for them.  They are always there for me, but was I there for them?  For this I am truly sorry and I want them to know, that regardless of what is going on in my life, good, bad, ugly or indifferent, that I will always be there to return to them, what they have previously and unselfishly given to me.  I don’t want one sided friendships, I want to be like VinCat and overcome life’s tribulations together, supported and encouraged always. 

When I first got the news that my TV show was going to end, I asked myself these questions; what do you to when your world goes dark and you feel that your soul is being ripped from your heart?  When something that has helped you through a tough time is gone, not returning and now I feel like am going to fall apart again.  What now, will be my anchor in the storm of my life and what do I do now that my secret fantasy world on which I have found inspiration to write again will be gone?  Is it worth me ranting and raving at all that this is just so wrong that a TV show that bought about the rebirth in the belief that love does exist for us and united people around our world’s globe, gave us all something in common and many of us somewhere to call home on the fan pages, is coming to an end?

I’ve lost a lot this year in all different aspects of my life.   I have reached the highest of highs but then struggled with my own truth and found myself in the depths of despair.  I have questioned my very existence and the meaning of my life and even asked myself am I happy.  I have questioned my worth, my values, my beliefs, my understanding and my motives.  I have even questioned my ideals, and at times my memories.  I have doubted everything about what I believed was the essence of the person I have become over the years. 

I have realized that it doesn’t matter what was in my past, it doesn’t matter where I went wrong, or where I may have made a good or a bad decision.  It doesn’t matter if my memories are based on fact or fiction, or even if they are different from another who saw the same event remembers it.  It doesn’t matter if I have millions in the bank or struggle to find 5 cents at the end of every pay cycle and it certainly doesn’t matter if I have nice nails and perfectly plucked eyebrows.  It doesn’t matter what came before this very minute.  All that matters, at the end of the day, is that I stay positive and believe that with love, support, guidance and for being open to learning from every person that has come into my life including those from BatB, that anything is possible. 

BatB was a television show, in essence that has enabled me to look back, reflect, improve or remodel myself.  I may have an amazing support system when it comes to my family and the awesome man in my life, but they aren’t always awake, and sometimes, they don’t want to listen because they believe they have heard it all before.  Truth be known, they probably have.  Sometimes it is because they know me so well, that they can be prejudiced in our interactions, in their advice and in their unconditional love for me.

I feel that through living my life as honestly and as passionately as I can, that I am living.  It doesn’t matter how I met you or even if I have only ever spoken to you via a message on a computer screen, I feel that you are now a part of me.  You are all a piece of me that makes me the person I am.  I have listened to your words of encouragement, reflected on your words of wisdom and reciprocated your words of love and support and I am so much more because of each of you.

But with the end of this TV show that has given me so much, my biggest hope is that I remember the things I have learned about myself and that I don’t lose those amazing people that I have found.  I can’t express exactly what each of you mean to me and I can’t express, although totally devastated by the loss of our show, just how much I look forward to continue sharing our lives with each other.  I can’t wait for the next chapter.  We will always have our TV show to remind us that passion is good, that love is worth believing in and that fighting to stay together means that you can accomplish anything.  BatB has rekindled my love for writing, my desire to be worth fighting for and the understanding that my hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow can be realized. 

It may have only been a TV show, but it has been one of the greatest lessons in my life thus far. It has taught me so many things about myself.  It reminded me that I can be passionate and that passion can be exciting.  I can fight for what I believe in and I can be…, all and anything that I want to be.  Because of the show’s essence and realization of destiny and because of the friendships that have been born from falling in love with a TV show and sharing that love with like-minded people, Beauty and the Beast (2012) will always be more than just “a TV Show” to me.

Beauty of Life - Just a short note

I am not sure if anyone is aware of this, but….. Today is one of the most precious of days.  I woke up this morning at 5.20am to a brisk Spring day, a temperature of around 3.5 degrees (Celsius) and although it was still dark, dawn was just breaking and it’s subtle lightness meant I didn’t have to turn on a light as I made my way to the car.

When I got home and opened the door to my place (I am currently sleeping at my in-laws) the house was again, light enough that I didn’t need to turn on the lights.  I stood inside the door and reveled in the stillness (everything around me at the moment is go, go, go) before I made my way to the bathroom to start getting ready to start my day.

By the time I was ready to leave and as I walked out the front door to the car, dawn had completely broken and the skies were that beautiful cloudless shade of blue.  There was still a chill in the air but it did nothing to freeze out the warmth I felt just turning my head toward the sky and feeling the sun on my face.  What an amazing feeling.

Today, is one of those days for me that, no matter what is happening, how sad I felt yesterday or may feel tomorrow, today I feel amazing! 

I am able to see that life is all around me, springing to life again after the cold winter, waiting for me to start living it again.  I feel that the darkness I have recently felt and experienced is finally making its way to my past where it belongs, opening my heart and my mind to my future; which is awfully good by the way.  I am excited again.  I am looking forward to getting out and going for walks with my puppy (and of course my significant other half), I can see that I have amazing opportunities in front of me that I couldn’t see before.  Most importantly of all though, is I know I am loved and can love through dark times.  The love that has been sent to me literally and virtually has helped me get through some really tough times.

So thank you everyone who has been there for me, thank you for everyone who as wished me well, sent me messages of strength, pictures of new babies and shared your family’s triumphant moments.  Thank you for sharing your lives with me.  You have enabled me to remember that I am not alone and there is a world out there still revolving.  You have reminded me that the sun is still rising and setting and how new days are being born, lived and remembered as they become yesterday.

I am totally in love with life today.  Isn’t it amazing that because I have experienced sorrow, that I can recognize and understand that today, tomorrow and next week all have the possibility of making me happy, smile and glad to be alive.  

I think so!

The Good Side of the Bad

I believe that we are only ever given as much as we can handle at one time.  I may be naive about this but it is something I very much believe in.  In saying that, I am ready for the next thing to be thrown at me because I know, that no matter what it is, I will be alright.

Some people will say that I am just burying my head in my hands and that I need to take time out for myself, and I totally understand why they think that.... but for some reason I just don't feel the need. Sure things have been pretty shitty for me this year, from the recent passing of my father, to my in-laws both currently being in hospital, to my having to lay my soul saviour Mack to rest yesterday. But you know what, this year is almost over; this means that there's only good stuff that can come now.

I have been very lucky this year too, because through all the bad stuff, through all the dark days, through all the times I have wanted to scream, shout, rant and rage, I have had a mountain of support. My man has been my rock, he has been there for me at every step, sometimes quietly in the background, sometimes pushing me forward, or holding me steady.  He has seen me cry so much but has kissed my swollen eyes telling me I am beautiful.  He has put his arms around me and told me that he is sorry for my losses.  He has held me when I needed him too and pushed me away when I was just being plain stoopid.

He has made me laugh, frustrated the bejeebees out of me, loved me unconditionally and accepted me for being the crier that I am.  But you know the one thing he has never done?  He has never told me to get over it.  He has always just let me be me.

I am grateful for him and to him.  I am so blessed that he chose me to be with me and that he knows me like he does.  This year hasn't been a good one for him either.  He has faced his own challenges, his own heartache and his own issues.  Although we are both going through stuff, we have always managed to be there for each other.

Some people say that a great relationship is all about the sex and of course, communication.  To a point I agree with them.  But what happens when you are both so tired that you can't stay awake after 8pm or one of you goes to bed while the other one stays awake because they have so much running through their heads.  What happens when one is so depressed that all they want to do is crawl into a ball and cry for hours on end.  What happens when the talk stops too?

For me a great relationship is born from mutual respect, the not wanting to change the other person. It's about each person's acceptance, or even love of all of the others idiosyncrasies.  It is the way that person looks at you and sees your soul.  It's the little touches like a hand on your back, the squeeze of your hand when you place yours in theirs.  It's the way they let you be your own person but aren't too scared to pull you up and say "hey I think you have gone too far there".  It's the anticipation of hearing their voice on the other end of the phone.  Of looking at the phone and thinking, "hmm I haven't heard from my man or girl yet".  It's the counting the minutes until you are in that person's presence again.  But, it is also knowing and accepting that you each need your space.  That sometimes, just being under the same roof is all that is needed from your other special someone.

I don't believe there is a perfect relationship, I don't believe that any one successful relationship should be what others base their "I want one like that" future relationships on.  Each relationship only works, or fails for that matter, because of the two people in it.

Something else that I have been blessed with this year is friendships.  From people I have never met to my best friend and everyone one in between.... you have all been there for me.  You have made me laugh when I needed to and allowed me to cry when I wanted to. Your support, your messages of love, and belief in me, your understanding of what is going on in my life and your encouragement toward me making it through whatever it is that is going on.  Reminding me that tomorrow is a new day and that no matter what happens, you are there for me.  It is all of you, and more that I am truly blessed with.  If I hadn't of experienced the hardships I did this year, maybe I would never have known or even realised any of this, I could even have unconsciously taking each of you for granted.

So thank you universe, thank you Higher Powers, thank you to each and every one of you.  You have helped to make this, a truly amazing year so far.  I can't wait and I am super excited for the remainder of the year to come, and to lessons it may teach me.

Ramblings of My Addled Brain

The sound of silence echoing

A resound with a hollow ringing

A void of never ending emptiness

The travelling noise is silent

I can hear the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard, the clock ticking in the background, the ringing in my ears and someone sleeping soundly not too far from where I sit (not sure if the gentle snore is coming from my partner or the dog).  My mind is travelling in different directions, my heart is heavy and my body aching.  I feel sick, I feel tired, and all I want to do is curl up in bed and go to sleep.  So why am I still sitting here, wide awake, writing this piece of god knows what?  I don’t even know the direction this is going to take even, as I sit here writing it.

There have been times over the past few weeks that I have felt totally disconnected.  I don’t feel I belong anywhere.  Something that consumed me over the past two years no longer has a hold on me. I am sick of the infighting, I am sick of people not being able to voice their opinions but that is only because they don’t want to hear anyone oppose them. 

I am sick of talking people down off the ledge, telling them things are going to be alright.  And I am sick of waiting, but I know not what for.  I want to change my life, but I don’t know why. I want to do different things but I know not what.  I want to dedicate a year of my life to writing to see if I can do anything with it, but there are so many people out there trying to do the same thing, that I don’t even know if I can be bothered.

I want to travel the world and meet with some wonderful people I have met online, but I know not where to start to organise that.  And I want someone other than me to be the person that makes a decision in my house.

I am scared my cat may be dying and I am so frustrated that I don’t know if he is 13 or 15 because I can’t remember when I got him.  Was it 2000 or was it 2002?  I know where I was working when I got him, but I can’t remember the year.  I am really frustrated by this. 

I am totally over having to wear glasses because everything is so blurry, and although I have now lost over 10 kilo’s I am totally over this fight to find a healthier me even though this is something I will never give up on. 

I have to fly to Brisbane for a two day conference yet history has proven to me that although what I will be told will be at the time, absolutely the truth, the truth will change as it faced with circumstance.  Why listen to the vision when the vision is subjective, open to change and interpretation?  Can I just read the report that comes out of the conference? Do I need to know any of this information in order to do my job?  I am excited though and can’t wait to be proven wrong. It would be great to come back saying that spending my time at this conference was totally beneficial and really informative.  I know that is the outcome the organizers of the conference are trying to achieve.

I don’t understand why people find it so hard to believe I am an introvert and being around a lot of people all the time totally does my head in.  It really isn’t that hard to believe is it?  I had to go to a wedding this last weekend and my partner knew more people than I did.  He gestured to me to go with him yet I resisted saying that I would just stay where I was.  Then I turned to the people I did know and uttered words to the effect of, “My god, he wants to introduce me to people and he wants me to actually talk to strangers.  Why would I do that?”  That is just stoopid and totally goes against my introvertedness yet…… an hour later and two or three glasses of champagne (wasn’t really counting) and I was dragging him around demanding that he introduce me to all of these people I didn’t know but that he did.

I want to find joy again but can’t be bothered looking for it.  It should just come to me.  Gawd, I sound like an entitled little shit, but why is it always me that has to go looking?  Just for once I want something to come to me.  I don’t want to be the one that does everything.  And I am sure there are many of you are nodding your heads in agreement with me here.

I have a mountain of ironing (literally) and three baskets (big ones too) of washing that needs to be done, yet I can’t be bothered, or rather, have no energy to get up and do any of this.  Mind you, 2.15am in the morning really isn’t the best time to be turning on the washing machine and dryer anyway….. But why can’t I do it now.  The fact that I have to get up and go to work may have something to do with it, but then maybe not.  May be, I just can’t be bothered.

I want to learn how to cook, I mean, really cook.  I think it would be awesome to be at home, planning a menu for the week then spend two days cooking it all.  But I don’t have the freezer space and, OMG…. who could be bothered doing all those dishes anyway?  Hmm, maybe I should go out for dinner tomorrow night, that way, there are no dishes for me to clean.  But then I could also leave the ones I do have for the cleaner but I don’t have one of those either, so maybe that isn’t such a good idea after all.

I want my in-laws to choose life (choose, chose, I always get that wrong).  I don’t want to have to worry about them and whether we are going to get a phone call to say that one or both of them are on their way to hospital emergency.  I want to yell and scream at them to get up off their asses and doing something.  I know it’s hard for them, they are both suffering lung disease of some sort and you’d think, that having just watched my father die of a lung related illness that I would have more compassion for them.  But you see the problem here is, my Dad wasn’t given the choice of life against his death.  His disease made that decision for him, but if he could have, he would have made the right choices if he had been in my in-laws shoes.  And that knowledge really annoys me.

Sometimes I don’t want to be strong, sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and cry my ocean of tears.  Having to deal with eyes so swollen that when lying on my back my eyelids could almost touch the ceiling, really doesn’t appeal to me and helps me hold them back somewhat.  Then, having everyone say, “gee you don’t look well, are you okay” is so good for the self-esteem NOT!!!! Who could be bothered with that anyway?  I also have a tooth ache, but I hate the dentist so maybe I will wait until I can’t bear the pain anymore before I do something about it.  That’s what you do isn’t it, always put off until tomorrow what you don’t have to do today…   I know, the right saying is ‘Don’t put off to tomorrow that which can be done today’, but hey…. I am feeling a little bit rebellious today so I am not going to do anything.

And with that comes my conclusion.  Thank god my scattered brain isn’t an everyday thing.  Reading back over what I have written I sound entitled, selfish, ridiculous and totally sound like a winging brat.  The good news is, I think it is all just because I think I am coming down with the flu.  My sore throat and aching limbs are a pretty good indication that this is the case.  So with that, I bid you adieu and until next time, please ignore the ramblings of my addled brain.

Good night!!!

Maybe On Day Five

As is quite normal for me at the moment, I woke up with my father on my mind.  Since his funeral some three weeks ago now, I’ve had a dream about him that I woke from crying, moments of clarity about his passing and how it is better for him now he is no longer in pain, and numerous bouts of watery eyes that I have consciously prevented from turning into tears.

I have taken the past two days before the weekend off from work because I thought the tears were close.  But again, events in my life have stopped me from shedding the load of tears that I feel I am almost drowning in.  Nothing of significance has happened just little things.  Like I thought I was going to be home by myself for 2 days; as it turned out, it was only one.  I was too busy preparing to get my cry on for day two to cry on day one, that I forgot. The odds of day 2 not happening…… well, they were pretty high.  Needless to say, when my man came home on day 2 of this 3 day trip, I didn’t get to cry on, on my day two either.

Then the weekend came (let’s call these day three and four) and I thought great, here is my chance today to do what I didn’t get to do yesterday or the day before; Cry. Today, I was saying goodbye to my stepmother.  She was leaving to live with her daughter in Queensland, about to start the rest of her life now as Dad had told her he wanted her to do.  I was happy that she was going to spend the time with her daughter, but I knew that her leaving was going to hurt.  Even though our relationship had been tried and tested over the past 25 years, I knew she loved my Dad and my Dad loved her and I did too.  So to me, her leaving felt a little like I was losing Dad again and it was because of this, it left me feeling really sad that I was going to be saying goodbye to her.  On the other hand though, this did have me thinking, great, I will now be able to let loose with the tears once she was on the plane.  Finally I was going to be able to cry.

As it turns out, there was a mix up with the flight and we were at the airport one day early.  Although there was room on the flight that we had arrived for, it wasn’t possible to get my stepmother on that plane because of the “paperwork”.  I felt like saying to the airline attendants, “For god sake, just write her name on the piece of paper with all the passengers’ names on it and let her get on the plane.”  My stepmother was visibly distraught, almost tormented that she wasn’t on the plane, that my own ‘woe is me’ was buried again and I went into action mode.  I had to help sort out the problem, placate my stepmother and get her booked onto the next available flight for that day.  I did, she left but………. I was so worried about her state of mind, that I didn’t get the chance to get my cry on, so……. I didn’t cry on day three either.

That brings me to today; day four and my final day of my time away from work.  I haven’t slept well.  I have been awake for more hours than I have been asleep.  Sitting at the computer, watching heart-warming videos about rescue dogs, old moments in movies that have previously be known to bring me to tears, reading the saddest part in my favorite book, all in the hope that I could cry, finally!  Nothing! Zip! Nudder! Niente!  OMG not even a skerrick of water, in fact, my eyes are feeling quite dry from sitting in front of the computer for the past seven hours.  I even watched a TV show specifically about the relationship between a father and his daughter, hoping that would help.  Still, nothing!

The only thing I didn’t do as it turns out, was sit with my eyes shut, in totally silence, and remember him. I didn’t think to think of all the things that won’t happen anymore.  I didn’t even think to allow myself to get really, really, sad.   As it turns out, all I had to do was remind myself that Dad wasn’t here anymore.  He wouldn’t be on the other end of the phone telling me about his day with as many reminders of his being a pensioner, or what did I do today that wasn’t done his way.  No longer were the words of his wisdom going to be able to guide me through my life, no longer is the sound of his voice going to make me want to cry with longing for I have missed him so much, for I will never hear it again.  No longer will I look at my inbox and see an email from Tom, who was seldom in, hence his email tomsseldomin.  I can’t hear his voice inside my head, I can’t picture him smiling at something that amuses him and I can’t hold his aged spotted hand in mine.  I can’t feel his kiss on my cheek, or feel his arms around me. 

Now that I have started though, I can’t keep crying.  You see, my man is now awake and I have to start my day.  I am going to have to dry my tears that have only just started to fall, literally.  I am going to have to wait for another day to remember and honor my father.  I don’t think I will get to get my cry on, on day four either.  At least day four has shown me what to do to get to get my cry on.  All I need to do is remember.

I know Dad wouldn’t want me to cry, I know he would only want to see a smile on my face and laughter in my eyes and I promise you Dad (as I turn my head toward the sky and send the silent promise to him), I am trying.  But right now, I miss him and this makes me feel sad.  This makes me want to curl into a ball and let it all out.  And I will.  There will be a day that I will let the tears fall, that I will feel the immense pain of his passing, and I will at the end of all of that, dry my tears and stand tall for him.  That is my promise to him.

Maybe on day five?

The Tone Behind the Written Word

In today’s times with social media, instant access and other such immediate forms of communication, one of the easiest things to do is misunderstand the tone intended behind the written word.  Personally, I put this down to a number of reasons, such as but not limited to….

      1.      On occasion, having never actually met the person I am corresponding with, I don’t know or understand how they speak.  I don’t know how they emphasise things, where they may shrug their shoulders or roll their eyes or nod in agreement.  Communication is so much more than words on a piece of paper.

      2.      I remind myself that for some people with whom I interact, English is their second sometimes third language and although I see they write very well, (in some cases better than an actual native English speaker, and let me state here, when I say “native English speaker”, I mean someone that has English as a first language) it is possible, that as a person where English is the only language I speak, I may not use a turn of phrase that some who isn't a native English speaker would – which in turn would cause me to misinterpret what is being said.

      3.     External events on any given day.   They can cloud someone’s ability to accurately say what they really want to say; or interpret what is being said.  Something big could be happening in their lives and what is being said may not be something that would be normally be reacted to.

      4.       We are talking opinions here. 

  

      5.       Self-defence or human nature.

I think, as a society we are mostly instantly reactive.  By this I mean, someone may read this and vehemently disagree with me.  That being the case, I would expect that person to write a scathing response to my “article”.  They may even accuse me of being uneducated and assumptive; or accuse me of not possessing the qualification in which to support my opinions.  They would be correct in that assumption but only I know that.  Then, someone might jump in to agree with me and write a return comment that defends me and my personal opinions.   

But, it is okay that the first person reacts as they did and sends the scathing response.  Well, firstly that person doesn’t know me so they would not be ‘informed’ as to my intention behind writing this blog or the tones in which I am using (albeit in my head) while writing this.  They wouldn’t understand that I am writing this with a questioning tone rather than “a know it all” one.  Unless I told you that would you know the tone that I am using here?

I am constantly reminding myself that people I interact with every day are not all native English speakers.  Sure, some people may write with a better phrase or sentence structure than some of whom have been speaking the language since birth…. but…. English is their second language.  So where I would write ‘I want to go and get a drink’, someone whose first language isn't English may write, ‘I get drink’, or ‘Drink get now I have.'  And all of this is very relevant because as a native English speaker but with an understanding of who I am communicating with, I can appreciate the difference in the sentence structure.  Someone who doesn’t take the time to remember see these things, may look at the persons writing and think, (I don’t think this personally) ‘what is wrong with you, are you so stupid that you can’t even write properly?’  With that thought in someone’s head, responses then come from a different place, a different attitude if you will.

As you all know, (I do know I am not alone here) I have been going through some pretty tough, emotional situations of late.  Because of this, I know, that I am more likely to over react at the moment.  My temper is shorter and my ability and capacity to process other peoples meaning or intention is very much reduced at the moment.  During times of high stress, what I usually do is try to not react.  In fact, I try to do the complete opposite.  I walk away then come back later rather than fight a cause that I really don’t have clear in my head.  I live by a creed (one of many) 'Never make a permanent decision or statement that is clouded by a temporary feeling or circumstance' ©.

It is very common and a very human trait that we defend our opinions.  In doing so though, we forget that people are just as entitled to disagree with our opinion and voice their own as ‘we’ were to state our opinion in the first place.  Why then, do we get so defensive when this happens?  Personally, I always try to be open to hearing someone else’s point of view, or opinion.  I don’t always agree and quite often I can’t even understand the point of view, but I never stop someone from voicing it.  I also, NEVER consciously take an opposing opinion personally.  Even if someone is responding to me and “talking” directly to me, I never take it personally.  There is this very simple phrase, that I think should be ingrained into everyone whether they are native English speakers or not and that is….. “Let’s agree to disagree agreeably and move on.”

Personally I believe, it should always be okay for someone to voice opinion and it should always be okay to have someone disagree with it.  In every situation or circumstance, people see the same event through different eyes and will mostly not retell the event the same way.  So, when there can be no voice to hear, no body language to be seen and no way of watching the expressions of the written word, can I suggest you try to remember this;  If you think someone is attacking you, stop, take a breath before reacting because you cannot hear the tone.  And of course, there is always the option of asking someone if they are angry with you rather than you assume they are. 

Maybe, the opposed voice of opinion is simply just that, an opposed opinion that is being told with an unheard tone, behind the written word.

Doing Things Differently

Recently my Dad passed away after an illness and death that was devastating to watch.  I watched my once active and proud father become skin and bones, unable to lift his hand to his mouth to hold the straw from which he was trying to drink.

I sat next to him and saw him struggle to cough, struggle to breath, struggle to talk and struggle to swallow.  I watched him fade before my very eyes.

In the declining days of his life, I wondered what he was thinking, what was he saying to himself? Being that he was so high on morphine because of his pain, was he even really aware about what was happening?  I wondered if he had any regrets, any wishes he could do things differently or try something again hoping for a different, or better outcome.  So, I asked him.

I asked him if he had any regrets, was there anything he would do differently?  His answer to the regrets was, of course he had some. Mostly though, they were centered around the way he had treated people.  How he had not stopped to consider what was happening in their lives, to warrant them wanting to talk to him, or have him do something for them.  Dad told me, that I should always "do unto others, as I would have others do unto me".  He told me Neen, always consider that there is someone else in the story, consider there is always someone else that has something to say, you should listen to them. (Or words to that effect.)

When I asked him if he would have done things differently, his simple answer was "Well, if I had done things differently, then it wouldn't have been me doing it.  I did what I did, because that is what I would have done."  After more discussion between us about regrets and doing things differently, I didn't think much more beyond that.  I just picked up the iron and went on about my business.

Now, as I sit and type this, I am wondering, why aren't I crying? Should I be "doing things differently"? Am I dealing with Dad's passing better than I thought I would?  Am I in denial?  Have I become so unattached from reality, that I think I am living in an alternate life cycle and this is just a really bad dream that I will wake from any minute?

Is it possible to be so relieved that someone has passed away, because of the ugliness of their death, and those words, "thank god he is at peace" are really what I believe so I am okay that he has gone? How can I be ok?  Why won't my tears fall..... my Dad just died.......?

I do believe, that those words I never understood before and believed to be hollow, really do hold meaning.  When Mum died 26 years ago from Cancer, people said to me, "at least she isn't in pain anymore," but I never understood what that meant because I, was in so much pain.  Am I in less pain over my dad passing than my mother?  Or is it, that I just understand things a little better now?

I was young when Mum passed away.  Sure, I thought I had all the answers and I knew EVERYTHING!!! (Not).... but now, 26 years on and Dad passing away.....why am I dealing with this so much better?.  Is it because I now know those words aren't hollow and that Dad leaving is so much better for him, he is free of pain, and he is no longer lingering in that horrible place between life and death.

At the moment, the tears won't fall, and I seem to not be affected by the loss of my Dad. Don't let my surreal sense of calm fool you.  I know I am numb because I need to get through the next couple of days and I can't allow myself to really feel Dad's passing just yet.  I need to be strong for my sisters and for Nola, I need to function.

I don't have anywhere to hide and I certainly can't hide behind a "young adult's" bravado or false idea that this is all I will feel.  I know there is going to be so much more to my grieving.  I know the day will come when I will feel Dad's passing, and I know that I will not be able to stop crying until my tear tickets are spent.  Until then however, I won't feel guilty that my tears won't fall.

And I know, no matter what I do now, I wouldn't do things differently, because then, it wouldn't be me doing it, because I am just doing, what I, am just doing.  And... it wouldn't be me if I did things differently.

©Janeen Hayes 2015

Saying Goodbye

Let me premise this by saying, this one is just for me.  It is sad and it may be morbid, but I just had to get it out.  So, if  you don't want to read any further, I totally understand.  But if you do.... Thanks

I am sitting at my computer

With headphones over my ears,

But even though the music is playing

There is really no sound I hear.

I am not really listening to the tunes,

And I can’t really hear any words

Because I’m not really hearing the music

Don’t worry, I know this sounds absurd

Have you ever been in a time and place

But felt totally disconnected

Seen an event before your eyes

But if asked to, you couldn’t recollect it

Have you ever travelled from here to there

And wondered how you got there later

Because you don’t remember the way you went

The traffic or even the journey for that matter

Have you ever looked back over the week

And thought to yourself, OMG how time has past

But thought how it seemed that only yesterday

You were thinking, can the weekend get here fast

Have you ever wondered why your tears are silent

But that silence can speak a thousand words

And how a bubble can float into the air

Unless someone pops it first

Have you ever thought how on earth can I go on

And then something unexpected opens your mind

It’s like you wake up from a conscious coma

But things are so bright you’re almost blind

Have you ever lived in a world of denial

Said to someone, I’m fine, when you’re really not

And told someone, don’t worry about me

But realised later, you’re a lying twat?

Have you ever wanted to talk about something

But you’re scared of sounding like a broken record

Constantly getting stuck on that one track

Not able to move forward?

Have you ever been lost for words

But not able to remain quiet

Have you ever sat in a room that is silent

But all you hear is a riot.

I have

These are all the things that happen

When my mind just won’t shut down

It’s when my voice inside my own head

Just keeps talking round and round

And it’s when my mind does these things

Keeps thinking of all that needs to be done

Of all the things I need to say

To that very special someone

His time is coming soon now, it’s so close

I will get my chance, my moment in time

I will say to him, Dad I love you

And thanks for being mine.

Thanks for making me laugh, and cry

Thanks for being my pillar of strength

But it’s ok to shut your eyes now

You don’t need to go extraordinary lengths

You can rest, you can be at peace

You can leave this place of pain

And you can be with your loved ones

Wrapped in their loving arms again.

Heaven is calling you Angel, My father

I love you and forever will

But I don’t want you to hang on anymore

I don’t want you to be so ill

Go now Dad, don’t fight anymore,

And know, we know you didn’t give up

Sometimes fighting to stay is harder

Because you will leave the ones you love

But we will be fine, don’t worry now

Close your eyes and let your eternal sleep begin

Because watching you suffer as much as you are

Is really doing my head in.

But it’s not that I want you to leave at all

And I am not saying that I want you gone

I just want you to be at peace and pain free Dad

For you, that’s all I want

©Janeen Hayes 2015

Thank God Beauty & The Beast Returns

For those of you who don't know me or my history regarding this television show, you are about to get a pretty insightful glimpse into my psyche that you are either going to roll your eyes at, or fist pump the air and cheer with excitement along with me, or, just simply not understand it at all.

Beauty and The Beast (Batb) is a television show that returned to our TV screens airing back in 2012. It is a re-imagined version that has been brought this tale as old as time into the 21st century kicking some major ass along with it.  This version has four main characters and plenty of other awesome support characters.  The chemistry between the four main leads, Vincent, Catherine, JT and Tess played by Jay Ryan, Kristin Kreuk, Austin Basis and Nina Lisandrello respectively drew me into this show.  Sure Jay Ryan is hot but this man's acting ability is totally underrated, Kristin Kreuk may be stunning but I cry when she cries she is that believable.  Austin Basis is both a great comedic and dramatic actor hands down, but it is also the person he is outside of his work that endears him to me most and Nina Lisandrello, well, she brightens the screen every time she smiles but it is the sarcastic undertones of her character which she plays so well that appeals most to my sense of humour.

The show has everything in it. It is action packed, full of fantasy, full of love and romance.  It has "believable plots" mixed with "you've got to be kidding me" moments, for a television show, (because after all, it is a TV show).

Can I interject here and say that anyone who believes this to be "real" and not reel, really should be booking themselves into sessions with a mental health professional, but that is just my opinion!   Moving on now!!.

My show, Beauty and the Beast returned to air season 3 recently and I was able to watch it the day it aired.  I can't believe how much I have wished time away so that I could sit and watch my favourite all time show.

It is because of this television show that I started writing again.  I used to write poetry as a young teen into my early adulthood but somewhere along the way to becoming an old woman, I lost my writing mojo.  I didn't really think anything about it as I have never been taught how to write a story, or how to write a blog, or how to write a poem and my grammar probably leaves much to be desired at times.....(sorry about that).   I love writing.  It soothes me, it helps me process events and put things into perspective.  It allows me to tell someone how I really feel, or I can dedicate a moment in time to someone special or take readers of my fan fiction into a fantasy land all of my own making, if only for a brief moment.

Beauty and the Beast has introduced me to an amazing world of people, some of whom I have become particularly close too.  My sister, my French Pearl, my daughter, my twinnies, my partner in crime, my sanity, my confidant's, my reminders that there are beautiful people in the world.  It has introduced me to people who overcome adversities every day of their lives, some with physical restrictions some who every day struggle to stay outside of their own heads.  This group of people have given me the courage to put myself out into the world and believe it or not, not really care if I am accepted or laughed at.  These fans of Beauty and the Beast and now people who I am also fans of, are an amazing group of people.  This TV show has opened my world to things like fan art, and fan made video's.  These used to be the bane of my existence prior to my understanding why people make fan made videos and post them on You Tube.

In Australia alone there is a handful of women whom I admire but have never met.  We are kindred spirits that have found a medium on which to communicate.  Our discussion inevitably begins with all things Beauty and the Beast, but we also share each others hopes and dreams, help each other through dark times, through light.  We have, these fellow Aussie women and I, found like minded people all around the world that we can now share our hopes, dreams, flights of fancy or vents of momentary anger.  We can ask each other with incredulous exasperation questions like "what does that person think they are doing.....," or we can sheepishly write "sorry I need to vent but", we can just ask a simple question of "does anyone know any way I can, or how do I, or does anyone know any person who does...".  We are a community of people who although some of us will never meet, all have one thing in common.... Our love for a TV show called Beauty and the Beast.

If you had asked me 3 years ago, would I talk to people all around the world, write erotic fan fiction, have a poetry page, or even if I would actually have my face as my own profile picture, I would have called you out and said you were dreaming.  In saying that, I probably wouldn't have because there is no way I would have had the courage to write this blog in the first place if it weren't for these awesome people.

Thank you Beauty and the Beast, and thank you to everyone out there in BatB land, you know who you are.  To everyone who supports me even if you think I am cray cray crazy at times, it is you that I thank everyday and send angels too every night.  You have my love, my respect, my friendship, my hopes for your amazing future's but most importantly my gratitude.  I wouldn't be here without you.

Bring on BatB season 3 and season 4, Life wouldn't be the same, without you <3 <3 <3 #

The Big C

As my thoughts are prone to now, I think of my Dad and wonder how he is doing.  Recently I was awoken by a phone call from my sister to say that Dad had been taken to hospital because he was having trouble breathing.  With Mesothelioma this is to be expected but I was a surprised that he was taken to the hospital in an ambulance because I didn't realize things had become that bad.

During the phone conversation with my sister, (she is a nurse with many years of experience) we chatted back and forth as to what could have been the reason for Dad needing to go to hospital, especially considering she had only been home two days from having visited with him, and came to the conclusion that Dad was probably just short of breath because maybe he had a little anxiety related incident.  Rather than jump to conclusions and imagine all the bad things it could be, we decided to just wait and see what the results from any of the tests being performed on him were.

A couple of hours later my sister calls back to tell me that Dad was resting peacefully and breathing on his own without the aid of oxygen or any other medication, (big sigh of relief)  but that the doctors were going to keep Dad overnight for observation.  She went on to say that scans undertaken have shown that although there has been progression of his cancer, it is still confined to his right lung (this is great news).  We were concerned as "Meso Cancer", once it starts to progresses outside the lung it is all down hill from there very quickly.

I handled the news that Dad was in hospital pretty well to start with.... although surprised at the time, I am expecting many phone calls like this one.  Then, given time over the next couple of days, I starting thinking (selfishly of course,) OMG is this going to be my life now, waiting for phone calls from my sisters to tell me that Dad is in hospital because of this, or Dad is being tested for that, or Dad's not having a good day.  Selfish thoughts, thoughts, that I am ashamed to say, were filtering through my head more often that I would like them too.  

Here I am thinking woe is me, when my Dad is lying in a hospital bed, a 14 hour drive away from me, on his own, struggling for each inhalation of breath, and here I am thinking, is this going to be my life now?  How selfish is that!!!!!!!

So now that I have acknowledged I was being totally self absorbed in my thinking, mentally smacking myself around for being (understandably) a little selfish with my thoughts when the inevitable happened and my thoughts turned to be more about Dad .  I have been thinking that I can no longer hang on to the "woe is me" and I should be thinking "woe is Dad."  He is the one lying in hospital now, struggling to breathe and here I am wondering how my life is going to be.  OMG Janeen, snap the hell out of it.

I read a book once, called Life's Lessons by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She was a world renowned expert on the terminally ill and other things.  The book changed my life in that it has provided me with some wonderful insights to how my mind works and processes things (normally with those diagnosed as terminally ill however, in one of her books she did explain how her research can be applied to humanity and not just to the terminally ill),  that happen around me.  I am really good at not holding a grudge, I process events quickly, I don't normally act irrationally and I am generally a pretty level headed kind of person.  Quite often I manage to get people really frustrated with me because my "way of thinking" supposedly isn't normal.  (Though more common than some would think.)

After having read this book "Life's Lessons" and quite a few others by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, I do have a better understanding of where my Dad's thoughts would be, but still I can't possibly understand exactly what is going to through his mind, after all I am not him and I'm only interpreting him through my own life experiences.  What on earth could he be thinking as he lays in the hospital bed, facing his own mortality?

I wondered if he was thinking about the things that he wanted to do with his life, but will never get the chance to.... and this led me to ask him when I spoke with him yesterday, "Dad if you could be anywhere in the world doing anything you wanted right now, what would you be doing?"  I am not quite sure what I was expecting his answer to be, but it certainly wasn't the one that I got.  He said simply, "Neen, I would love to be at home, sitting in a chair surrounded by you girls (there are 4 daughters) talking, chatting and reminiscing about your life and your Mum, but mostly, I just want to breathe normally again"

I thought, maybe he would be thinking about how he never got to give away his youngest daughter (me) at her wedding, how he will never see his grandchildren marry, or their children (three of them are old enough to have children but don't).  He is going to miss milestone events and moments that change history, life changing medical breakthrough's, maybe even a cure for his type of Cancer. He is going to miss family gathering's and holiday's overseas, the sun shining on his face and the smell of the sea air that he loves so much.  He won't be able to whisper "sweet dreams baby girl" when he says goodbye to me on the phone and he won't be able to tell me to "get my head in the game"  I won't hear the words "I'm proud of you Neeny Been" or, "Why did you do it that way, you should have done it like this" and he won't get to see how his idea of my happiness isn't my happiness, but his.  He won't get to see that over time, how I have changed and become healthy, and that have I found the reason for my issues and that I am working to overcome them every day.  He won't be able to look at me in the years to come with an all knowing look that says to me "See I told you you could do it, why you no wisten to me" (and no, that isn't a spelling mistake).......

Then I realized that all the things I thought he may be thinking about, were actually all the things I wanted for him and things I wanted him to experience WITH ME.  When I stopped and looked at the way I was speaking, it was all about me, and what I wanted for him.  I wanted him to walk me down the isle one day (me, who swore she would never get married all of a sudden wanted too) and it was me, who wanted Dad to see and be apart of all of these things.

I never thought just how impossible his wish would be for him.  Not the sitting around and talking to his daughters part, because that, I can make that happen.  But Dad's wish is so much more simple.... He just wants to keep breathing.




Janeen Hayes 2015

Yearning For Someone Lost

Some of you may have seen this on Facebook, but I thought I would share it here as well :)

I found this amid some stuff I was clearing out. Based on the date I am pretty sure it was about a very dear friend of mine who was taken suddenly. Funny how time lets you forget the pain.

A short piece I found that I wrote back in 2011

I turned to see your face in the crowd, but each different face, sparked only a memory. I turned as I heard a rustle in the breeze,
but as I turned I realized it was only the echoes of my mind that I heard.

I longed to see your face, feel your touch, something, anything to remind me of you. But then I realized that all I had to do was shut my eyes, turn my face toward the sun, and it was you that was shining down on me.

I wanted you to hold me and tell it was okay, but all I had to do, was hold out my hand and a friend whose heart you had touched, would reach out and hold my hand in your place. I discovered that although I can't see you, you are in the touch of that friends hand.

I wanted to hear your voice and laugh with you, until it dawned on me that if I listened closely enough, you were in the voices of the people talking to me. Your voice was whispering to me, through the voices of all the other people around me.

When I needed to know if you are there walking beside me, protecting me, guiding me and helping me through each day, I know, that all I have to do is reach out to a friend. YOU will be there. In their words of wisdom, in their comforting touch, or in their hand held in mine, it is at those times, that I will know, YOU are there with me.

© Janeen Hayes 2011

Love is Just a Word...

I was watching a short video of Marc Mero (let me premise this by saying I had no idea who he was when I watched this video) talking to a group of mid teens about how the common belief is that the people we associate with, define the person we are and whom we become.   But what really made me stand up and listen to the rest of his video was his next sentence..... (I'm paraphrasing here).... "but that isn't true, it is the choices make when faced with decisions that make us the person we become."

And I got to thinking how abundantly clear and concise this message was.  Of course, it isn't something that I haven't heard before and it isn't something that I am sure I have proven myself over time, so what was it about this video that made me stop and actually listen to what the speaker had to say?  Was it his story, was it his stage presence, was it his voice, was it his surgically altered (well it looks it to me) face, was it this mountain of a man wearing jeans and a t-shirt pacing back and forth across the stage.  No, it was the look on the faces of his audience that captured my attention.

Then I listened, not just with my ears, but with my eyes as well, I listened to the reactions of the students when he reached the punchline of his story, what they heard, how they cried, how they then reacted to each other by reaching out to their friend sitting next to them, or how they quickly glanced around the room to find the student next to them also silently crying.  It was a student shaking his head at the tragedy of the speaker's story and almost the look of "I will never do that" that came over his face.  It was the young girl who drew in a deep breath when she realized the truth about the words that she was hearing.  It was the expressions of realization that made me watch the video again to make sure I wasn't seeing things and to listen again with my ears as well this time, to the story I was being told.

I absolutely believe that when a student is ready to learn a lesson, it's teacher will appear.  We never know in what form, or how the lesson will be taught or how long it will take to learn, but learn it we do.  Even though many times I have heard and even had this discussion about life's choices and how they define us..., I never really stopped to think about it in an everyday kind of way.  Every day I make choices from numerous stimuli but never stop to consider. "what happens if..."  Some of these decisions are made instinctively, and majority of the time none of the decisions I make are life altering or personally defining.  I just make decisions and then go on with my life, negating to reflect on the decisions I have made throughout the day and how they have changed or affected change in me as a person.

At the end of his video, Marc Mero made the following statement "Love, is just a word until somebody comes along and gives it meaning."

This was a very poignant statement to me, and I found myself nodding my acceptance of what he was saying to ring true to me.  Love. The amount of things we can do with it are just amazing to me.  We can accept it and give it, revel in it, dream of it, hug it, sing about it and read about it.  We can relish in it, we can ignore it, run from it, or run to it and we can hide from it or we can shout from the roof tops that we have found it.  We can live for it, we can die for it, we can even be a little bit shy of it. But we all need it.  Love can be good for us, or it can prove to be our downfall, but a ride it is on the way down.  It can make us strive for perfection or we can accept that it will never be perfect.  We can fight for it, or we can fight against it.  We can all give it, and we can all take it.  We can also use it as a filler word, like, I love french fries, or I love that song..... but like anything, there is a point at which time, love becomes a thing and not just a word.  Until you actually feel love, it somehow just isn't real and can't be trusted.

In order to feel love, we have to want it more than we don't.  We have make the choice to love, not hate.  We have to make the decision to accept love into our life, we have to find that little something to start our love off with, and then progress onto bigger things, more worthy things, like, ourselves for example.

I love, I love a lot of things, and believe my life is richer for doing so.  I know what it feels to be hopelessly in love and to love with an intelligent heart.  I know what it's like to love with abandon and innocence.  I know what it's like to trust with love and to have the trust of love broken, I know what it's like to be afraid of love, but more importantly I also now, know what it's like to embrace love.  I open my heart to every person I meet, sometimes it stays open and other times it shuts down immediately, instinctively.....

What I actually know about love could be summed up and wrapped in a little package with a bright red bow and labeled "Choice" Because it is true, until we choose to let love into our lives, there is no light, and we have nothing to compare it too.  Love may come in different forms, different shades or even different levels of feeling, but if you choose to let love in,  you will definitely give it meaning and you will be defiantly making the choice to live a life with love.

That's a damn fine choice as far as I am concerned,  Go on, give love a chance you deserve to give it meaning.

I no longer live in time, I live in moments of time that are filled with love.  Remember,  it's not what's in your pockets that makes you rich, it's what's in your heart.  I know mine is filled with love.

Horses to Water

I have learned a very valuable life lesson recently.  I was asked recently by a dear friend if I was okay because, like everyone these days, I have a lot going on.  Some would call what is going on in my life quite exhausting and emotionally draining, others would tell me to drink a cup of cement to harden the F up and just get on with it.  Both of these attitudes though are totally acceptable to me because both are true.

Some of you would be aware that I have my FIL (Father-in-Law) who has been quite ill and my dad has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  These two events by themselves are breaking my heart, but wait, there's more!!!!

My MIL (Mother-in-Law) had chest pains recently that were bad enough for her to be taken to emergency.  After many hours, several tests and a few jabs of a needle later, she has been diagnosed as having an aortic aneurism complicated by two calcified arteries that will require she undergo open heart surgery to rectify the issue, and....repair the aneurism at the same time.  All very curable and all very common.

My FIL was back in hospital for a week with fluid on his lungs (now under control,) but also recently my Dad went on what was supposed to be the cruise of his ever shortening life, only to spend the whole two weeks with a cold.  The cold developed into pneumonia that resulted in him going from the airport to the hospital where he stayed for a few days while docs got his symptoms under control.

Unfortunately Dad has now developed a cough that will be with him until the end and his shortness of breath is critical during any coughing stint he has. Apparently these fits happen about 2-3 times a day but...... he does have medication which has apparently reduced the severity of the coughing which is totally awesome news.  Also awesome news on the Dad front is the Cancer, though progression is evident, it is still confined to one lung so this means, his life expectancy is now 3-6 months further than originally thought.  Yay with that news. I am happy dancing here - believe me. 

Anyway.... prior to my FIL being back in hospital, Steve and I had been discussing whether we should get both of his parents assessed for, what I call, high care, low care, no care, considering their individual ages and combined health issues.  Our intention was to hopefully obtain help for them through community services dependent on the level of care they are eligible for.  We spoke with MIL and organised for her to take her forms to the doctor to get a disabled parking permit giving her more time to get to and around the shopping centre to do her groceries etc.  I researched and downloaded information sheets on the type of things that both In-Laws may be eligible for, all aimed at helping them both age in place, and negate, if possible, the need for Steve and I to look for nursing home or assisted living accommodations on their behalf.

We (meaning Steve and I) would love to be able to help the in-laws, be there for them every agonizing step they take that they need help with, and we would like to see them both look after themselves a little better.  Steve and I want FIL to stop smoking so that if he happens to drop off to sleep, (he is prone to do this all the time) MIL doesn't have to worry about the house burning down around her. FIL has been known to fall asleep with a cigarette in his mouth, hmm not good right!!  Maybe if FIL were to watch his sugar and get his diabetes under control, exercised, or basically just became more active, we would have less to worry about.  Try as we might and with all the good intentions, the In Laws are both slowing killing themselves.  Steve and I sit there and watch it happening in front of us because nothing that we say seems to be having an impact on them.

Then I remembered the age old saying that "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink".  I am not sure of the origin of this saying nor am not trying to steal it from anyone or claim ownership of the saying at all.  Just wanted to be clear on that ;)  But never has this saying been more true than when it comes to the In-Laws and what is happening with them.

My father who is terminally ill and is 7 years older than the FIL, is fitter and healthier than my FIL is right at this moment.  What makes me and Steve really mad is that my dad doesn't have any choices to make that will help him, his illness is what his illness is.  Dad can't go on a diet to loose weight to make walking around his property easier, he can't make a decision not to have cream in his coffee or to ignore his diabetes, or care that it is or isn't under control and my dad can't give up smoking to enable his breathing to be less labored.  My dad doesn't have these life choices to make, his fate has been sealed and no life choices will change the outcome.

It was with these thoughts whirling around in my head that led me to this realization and my life lesson, when my friend simply asked me "How are you going with everything that is going on in your life?"  There was only one answer that I could think of to tell her, and that was, I'm great.

I realized in that moment, that I was okay, that Steve was okay, that together our lives were actually going really well. All of this that I have told you, isn't happening to us, it is happening to them, and although I don't necessarily like it, (nor does Steve for the record), but his parents and my dad, have more than earned the right to live their lives as they want to.  It is us that wants them to change, it is us that wants them to do things our way, it is us that is telling them to they need to completely change their lives, uproot themselves from the only life they have known all for what we consider to be, a better life for them.

So what happens when they are happy existing and not living, so what happens when we give them all the information they need to start to look after themselves and they don't listen, read or care that it is there at all.  What do we do, when no matter how much we want them to change for the better, because we know what is best for them but they don't.  What happens when they say no, through their actions, that they are not interested in changing their lives.  Do we stop helping, do we stop running to help them when they call and ask for us to stop and get them a paper because one of them has fallen and the other doesn't want to walk down the driveway because they are scared they might slip (for the record, it IS a terrible driveway and I hate walking down it when it has been raining).... So what do we do?

As children looking after parents, I realized that the roles are now changing and the children become the parents and the parents the children, I realized that I can't control them or the way they live their life, I can't make them do anything they don't want too, and provided they aren't injuring anyone or putting my life or anyone else's life at risk, I really have no right to tell them what they should and should not be doing.  They can continue to live their life however they want to.  It doesn't matter that we don't agree, it doesn't matter that we "think" we can see what is best for them and it certainly doesn't matter as long as they are still showering, eating, cooking and cleaning themselves albeit with a little bit of help from their son and DIL,  I may not like, but it is what it is.

But even through all of this realization that they are not going to change and that they are going to continue to live their lives however they want to, I can, with my hand on my heart swear to the higher powers, that I am not ever going to stop, leading them to the water in the hope that they will take a drink.

That Moment In Time

Have you ever felt?

That moment when something touches you so deeply you want to both cry and laugh at the same time?

 
That moment when the profoundness of what is happening around you reaches inside you and draws you inside out until you are tied up in never ending knots? 

That moment when you are questioning everything you once knew to be true but which has now led to doubts that you actually understood just how true it was to begin with?

 
That moment in time when you surrender yourself to the universe to becomes its child of innocence and wonder?

That moment when you surrender yourself to learning again, what it really feels like to acknowledge just one moment in time.

This is was a moment in time that I spent with someone special.  It was a moment in time, that changed my world.

It is these moments in time, that make life worth living.