Merry Christmas and All That Stuff

I never stopped to think about Christmas and what it means to the people that are in my life. I usually just say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year like it's an everyday event.  I brush it off, so to speak, as just a thing that is said at this time of year, a reciprocation at times, of those very words being uttered to me.

For some of us this is the time to celebrate the life of Christ, it is all about "Our Savior's birth".

For some of us it is just holiday, a time away from the stresses of work and a time to recharge the batteries to be ready to start the coming year with full on energy.

For some of us it is all about family, being with family, being with loved ones or watching the faces of children as they open the, what seems to be, never ending shiny wrapped boxes and gifts.

For some of us it is a time for reflection.  A time to look back over the past year and to try to understand the lessons schooled, or to work out how next year can be improved upon from the year about to be left behind.

But for some us, Christmas, or whatever it is that your belief's tell you this time of year is, is nothing but a painful reminder of the losses and the hollowness we feel.  For some, to reminisce on times past isn't filled with happiness and family fun times.  Some people are reminded of traumatic and tragic times and this time of year only serves to remind some us, of those times of struggle.  It can be a time of loneliness, deep sorrow and to some, excruciatingly painful.  It may even be a time some feel lost, isolated or just plain depressed.

As a child growing up, we didn't have much in the way of money, but we didn't know that.

Dad was so excited about Christmas.  Seeing his four daughters faces as we opened our Santa gifts, was Dad's favorite moment.  He would be creative in the way he would wake us up.  At 4 the morning (because he couldn't wait any longer for Christmas to arrive) Dad would inevitably try something different each year to wake us.  Be it The Supremes blaring Jingle Bells from the stereo, or a bell being rung as he skipped up and down the hallway calling out "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas everybody, time to open your gifts cause Santa's been".  It would be a guess for his daughters as to what part of the world "Santa" had just visited.  In his "traditional" Santa suit, a white singlet with a pillow stuck up it and I'm a Very Merry Santa written on it, Christmas boxer shorts, a Santa hat, socks pulled up as high as they would go and either thongs or gum boots, Dad would dutifully tell us of the places he had been before he landed in "Austraywia" as he was handing out our presents.

I distinctly remember one year, dad and mum thought it would be fun to mix up the name tags on the gifts and write things like, "to you from me", "to me from her" or "to her from it" and things like that; But what they failed to do was make note of what was wrapped and who it was actually for.  The gifts were handed out to each of us, not knowing if the right ones were given to the right child.  As each gift was opened, we would be told that it was either ours and we got to keep it, or to give it to one of the sisters because the present opened wasn't actually for the child who opened it. This is one of my favorite memories of Christmas growing up as a child.

For many years Christmas was about love, laughter and celebrating being with family.  It was about my mum and dad doing everything they could to create memories that would stay with each of their children for many years to come, to create traditions.  Some Christmas mornings were just talked about and some would be recreated, so to speak, over the years to come.  I wish I could go back to those times with today's technology and film them all to replay now, so many years down the track.

I have mourned the loss of my childhood Christmas morning for the past 26 years and was ready to do it again this year.  Christmas stopped being fun, it stopped being about family and became a time for me to be sad because I had lost my Mum and my family were all living their own lives.  Only being with my whole family made Christmas special for me.  Last Christmas, though bittersweet, was one of the best I can remember having.  Again, I was with my Dad and step Mum, all of my sisters and their children and their children's partners.  It was big, it was loud, it was a whole heap of fun. How wrong I was though, to believe that it would be my last, happy Christmas knowing I was going to be saying goodbye to my dad in the coming months.

What I have come to realize over the past few weeks as Christmas is approaching, is that this time of year is so many things to so many people.  I now have friends all over the world as well as those that stand beside me everyday and no two friends feel the same about Christmas.

Even though Christmas this year will be the first without either of my parents, I have decided that I am not going to be sad because I am not with my whole family and two of the people I have loved more than life.  I am going to celebrate Christmas because I will be with Steve and there are still people I love more than life here, with me.  I am enriched with friendships and blessed to have each of my "pen pals" in my life.  I have family around the world now that are my reason for smiling everyday.  I am blessed to have people I can turn to whenever I need support, love or guidance, or just a good ole belly laugh and I that have people in my life, makes it all the more reason to celebrate. I am going to celebrate this Christmas as the birth of my new Christmas attitude.  It's a happy feeling, a feeling of worth.

I am stronger this year for all that I have been through.  I have learned that the people in my life are in my life.  Each of you have made it richer, earthier, saner, crazier, more memorable and for that I thank you.  Whether you choose to celebrate Christmas or whether you choose to not celebrate it, please know that this year, I am celebrating for you and I am celebrating YOU.

So, in the spirit of this time of year and all that it represents to everyone differently, for me, it is my time to just say, Thank you!   Thank you for being a part of my world and sticking with me through and through. Your souls shine so brightly they each lead me to my tomorrows every day.

With love
Janeen