Ticking Clocks

I'm not into numerology, but only because I can never work it out, not because I don't believe in it.  I mention this because I remember a discussion with someone once who was a "numerologist", and in that discussion she mentioned that a "9" year, was a year of finals.  A "9" year is a year of endings, a year of goodbyes and a year of no mores.  If last year wasn't my "9" year, the least it has done is show me that when it does come around, I am ready to face it head on with fists raised, ready to block the punches that will be thrown my way.

Last year I said goodbye to my dad and my furman best buddy Mack. We all know that these things happen in life, but it's not often that someone can say that they said goodbye to 'me'.  I said goodbye to that person without a parent, the person who became an orphan, the pet owner without a pet... I said goodbye to my innocence and came face to face with a "getting older by the minute" me.

I had trials a tribulations that I thought at the time were insurmountable and have never felt more out of control of my life that I can remember.  I do remember feeling empty, I remember feeling frustrated and useless and totally at a loss as to where my life was going to end up and I had absolutely no idea, if I was even going to live for another 5 years so there was no need to get on with planning an actual future.  I remember feeling these things, but never out of control.

Throughout last year, I woke up every morning and just went through the motions. I always made it to the other end of the day, where I would be crawling into bed only to repeat the process the next day and the day after that and.... the day after that..... and so on and so forth.  I cried a few times last year sure, but I also laughed a few times too.  But really, all I was doing was existing.  I was just living the life that was I dealt each day and although there were times I was totally frustrated with it all, I didn't do anything about changing it.  Why would I, because I was in total control wasn't I? Control, of course I was in control......., but here's the thing;  What I was in control of, was being completely out of control and that was me controlling everything?  Now in hindsight that is funny!!!!

How did I not see that I my control wasn't working and that it was only leading me to an inevitable downward spiral that maybe this time, I wasn't going to have the energy to fight my way out of again? Funny, as out of my control as everything was and even though I knew it secretly, I did know that I was living in a state of denial.  It's a great place to live, it is a place I know we all visit more often than we care to admit.

A visit to the doctor was the trigger to snapping me out of my beautiful (pfft), warm and fuzzy state of controlled denial.  I want it to be known.... the doctor didn't give me a cure, but what he did do, was give me a warning that then had me taking notice of and acknowledging, that only I could make the changes needed to stop myself from dying an early death.  Yes, things are that serious.

With the doctors prognosis ringing in my ears, there was a part of me that wanted, for a split second in time, to give in.  To say, to hell with this, this is my lot in life, this is the way it's going to end so lets just have fun doing it because I am too tired to fight for my life anymore.

Then I thought about everything and everyone that I know that has been through things 1 million times worse than I have, and they are still living, still fighting, still make their life matter.  Here I was, ready to wallow in the self pity that had become my default.  Thankfully though, in that flash of life, I had a very very dear Beastie friend of mine's voice inside my head, saying "don't do it.  This may be the hand that you have been dealt, but you have the option of fighting, so fight god dammit, you are worth it". Actually there were a couple of very beautiful people's words ringing in my ears at the exact moment giving up flashed into my minds eye.  If I thought it were okay with them, I would name everyone of them.... Anyway, moving on now.

Everyday was a struggle for me.  Getting out of bed, if I managed to get into it in the first place, hurt like hell.  My joints were always aching, my head was always cloudy, my body almost collapsing. My moods were swing further than Tarzan going from tree to tree from one side of the jungle to the other and I definitely wasn't prepared to listen to anyone tell me anything that they thought I should be doing to save myself.  Even tying my own shoe laces was almost impossible, slip on shoes, or a long handled shoe horn became my best friends.  My feet would swell to the point of pain and I also thought at one stage that they would burst they felt so tight and full of fluid.

Living within my own skin was painful, everything I did was painful.  Walking, sitting, talking, thinking, even wiping my own ass was painful.  So, why on this earth, would I even consider becoming more active, when even sitting on a chair was too exhausting to contemplate.  I was ready to live out the short time I had left this way... right!  WTF, if I kept going the way I was, people wouldn't be able to carry my coffin from it being too heavy to lift.  "Get a grip Janeen and help yourself!!!!" That was what the voices from within were screaming at me.

I decided to listen to the good voices, because I just knew that I didn't want to live the end of my life in the same state or in a state of decline. I didn't want to die before I had the chance to live. But how do I start, what do I do??  I rang one of my sisters and asked her for help.

In the days that followed, I was given information that I was so anxious to hear.  I was guided, led and even shoved into a new state of being that I thought would be really really hard to maintain. Months down the track I know that maintaining this is way of life is a no brainer.

I thought one moment I was going to die, the next I knew I was going to live.  Thankfully my sister was in Melbourne the next week and I was able to spend time in her presence, once again thanking the universe for affording me the opportunity to be given someone like her in my life, someone that took the time to listen, to help, to guide and to encourage but more important to me, didn't judge me for being the way I was but did everything she could to arm me with the tools, to become the person I want to be.

After going through my cupboard with my sister leading the way, I threw out what I thought were the good foods and replaced them with the whole foods.  I stopped buying the quick easy options and started eating non processed foods.  I purchased sugar free cookbooks and replaced my cupboard content with all all the good foods I could find and I even took the time to read the books devouring the information because my life depended on it.

In the first week of being sugar free, I literally felt the fog clear and lift away from my body.  All of a sudden I had energy to stand up for more time than it took me to walk from the chair to the toilet, or bedroom and as the days went by, I found that I was too restless to sit down and watch television; I went for a walk instead.  Did the exercise hurt, omg yes, but I actually felt the good pain, the pain from USING my muscles instead of the aches from the burden my body was putting on my joints.

The weight has started to fade away, which is amazing in itself.  Although the weight loss has slowed, it is that it is still going down. But I am not discouraged by that because my body may be a little confused and not quite know what it is doing, but is stronger than my mind consciously thinks it is and both my mind and body are capable of doing a lot more.  My body is capable of repairing itself and is in the process of doing just that.  I know I have a long journey as far as my weight is concerned, but at least I now feel the energy waiting to be released.  I am walking, I am standing, I am doing the dishes because I am not too tired anymore.

I have cleaned out my fridge and my cupboards and have been down my my hands and knees to clean a patch in the carpet that has been frustrating me for months now.  I can bend down and tie my own shoelaces and even scratch my own back and lift my foot to rest it on my knee as I pull on a sock. These are small things in everyday life, that I have realized I haven't been able to do for awhile.  It is only because I can do them now that I remember I couldn't do them before. And it is the little things that we do everyday, things that I couldn't do before, that make this all worth it.  The best thing though, is that my man can even give me a hug and clasp his hands behind my back. That full body hug, well that is just is the greatest feeling of all.

I can and will do this.  Even if the doctor's prediction comes to fruition and my time is limited, at least I know that I will go out as the best version myself has known in an awful long time and that. I am doing everything I can to prove the doctor wrong.

I promise, I will continue to do everything I can to stop the ticking clock from ticking faster than I want it too.

© Janeen Hayes