Useless Thoughts

As I sit to type this blog, I once again, have no idea what is going to come out.  I have been listening to music tonight so there are many things going on in my head.  Music always does this to me :). 

Have you ever noticed that music in your ears through headphones is a totally different sound to when it is just playing in the background or on the radio?  For some reason music through headphones has the effect that songs seem to have more meaning, the music sounds clearer and the meaning behind the words of every song can be translated to a moment, a time in your life that you suddenly started reminiscing about for the duration of the song?

I was listening to one song and suddenly transported back to a nightclub that I used to frequent often. For the duration of the song I was listening to at the time, it's like I could feel the music's beat vibrating and I could see my fist punching the air.  Though I would never have actually fist pumped the air back then, for some reason in my transportation back to that moment in time, fist punching the air to the beat of the music seems important, almost triumphant. It's like the me of today is dancing to the beat of yesterday saying "F you past" - I survived you.

Another song had me remembering a particular person, whom at the end of the night I would always seek out for that last dance.  The slow dance.  The dance that for those who had just met would become an introduction to the possibilities of what was in store for them if they continued to dance in their drunken, lust filled haze straight into the arms of the night - ahh yes, the good ole beer goggles, I think most of us have had those on at one time or another. 

For me, this dance was usually to my favorite slow song and no-one could dance that last dance with me like this guy could.  I remember this time both fondly and with regret.  As I was going through a rather traumatic time, the last song of the night would invariably have me in drunken tears as I held on while he swayed me back and forth to the rhythm of the music.  Sometimes we would kiss, sometimes we would just dance.  The times we kissed, the kisses were always passionate, deep and meaningful. I can see now that I am no longer that emotional wreck of a girl seeking comfort in the arms of someone who loved her.  Back then, I was broken and all I could do was try to break those around me too to help me feel like I fit in somewhere, with someone.  But man, could this guy kiss. His kisses always transported me to a place where I felt safe and secure, inevitably this would bring on the tears - because I knew even then that my broken heart could only love him as much as it could at the time.  As it turns out, it wasn't enough.

Another song had me reflecting on my current relationship and how much it means to me now. The strength of the person who is in my life, and how he makes me smile, laugh and feel the passion only really known to a select few.  I was reflecting back to the beginning of our relationship and how hot for each other we were.  Invariably, I then started thinking if we would ever get that passion back, or would it be forever this comfortable companionship developed over the years into a love so deep, just being the same room as him makes me happy.  Hearing his gentle snore from the bedroom, I feel my heart beat slow and as I breath in time with his breaths until my own breath catches at the intensity of love that I feel for him when I think of his not being a part of my life. 

Another song had me remembering last night.  I was sitting at my computer, whiling away the hours doing a cross stitch pattern with no tv on, no radio, no music in my ears,  Actually there was music, but the music was that of the night.  The clock ticked, my man snored, my finger clicked the mouse, my breath exhaled, the fridge hummed, a car drove past the front of the house and an airplane flew over the roof of the house high above me.  My thoughts then drifted to the holiday I had just returned from and then I began thinking about the next holiday that I want to take.  The television creaked and water dripped from the kitchen tap just meters away from where I am sitting.  I then thought, I wonder if Dad enjoyed the holiday as much as I did - figuratively speaking.  NZ was the last place Dad visited before he was diagnosed with Cancer.  

There is a lot going through my head, and sometimes I write these blogs just to sort out what is going on my own head.... I wonder if I will ever figure it out or if I am always going to be someone that asks the questions about life, always seeking out the answer.  

I read on Facebook a post about how people should never judge you unless they have walked in your shoes and experienced your life.  I totally agree with this, but then I went just that little bit further..... Even if someone else had experienced my life, they wouldn't have the same reactions as I have, they wouldn't have the experience that I did, because they aren't me.  This thought really did my head in until I was able to rationalize it with this thought.... how many times have I heard that the people can see the same event unfold before them, but all see it differently.  Finally, I turned down the volume on the silence of the night around me as I took myself off to bed and slept soundly for at least 4 hours,  

For some reason at the moment, I feel pensive, excited, reflective, anxious, scared, happy, bored and empty but not necessarily in that order.  I am one of the lucky ones, because I CAN feel.  Nothing I have experienced in life has numbed me... I am breaking new boundaries and discovering new things about myself every day.  I like that,  I like that I question things, I like that I can ramble on about nothing and feel good about about myself at the end of the day and I really like, that I am capable, able bodied, sound minded (doubtful???), hearing, articulate and an inquiring person who isn't afraid to reflect, re-evaluate, analyse and be adaptable.  

Now..... I wonder what "useless" thoughts I will have tomorrow?