Reflecting on the events of this year isn’t easy, but… in
order for me to move forward, reflecting on what has passed is what I need to do. I need to find the lessons that I was, or need to learn through it all.
There have been times when I felt that I was doing okay
and there were others when I thought that if I had to take one more breath that
I would collapse because my lungs had forgotten how to work.
I have cried several bucket loads of tears in sorrow but
also laughed until I have held my stomach and cried. I have talked into the winds until my voice
has echoed back into my own ears. I have
smiled until I thought my face would crack and I have felt nothing, absolutely
nothing. I have reached highs as big as mountains
and found energy that I haven’t felt in over 20 years but there have been
times, when even sitting down was too exhausting to think about.
I have wondered at the reason for life and the meaning of
it all and I have told myself that I just don’t matter in the grand scheme of
things. However, I have learned
that I am loved and that some people do value me and I have also learned that those
I thought were a friend, were a far worse an enemy than they ever were, a friend.
I have had friends that have betrayed their loved ones and their loved ones who have betrayed my friends. I have held onto both
a cherished dog and my cat, my life partner of animal kind of 15 years, as they
traveled their way over the pet rainbow to wait for me to join them, no matter how long it takes me to get there. I have danced in the laundry as I ironed
wrinkled cloths and sworn at the dryer when it has chimed that the cycle is
finished. I have hauled 1000’s of
kilograms of groceries from the car to the kitchen and I have walked up and
down the hallway of my house more times that I have walked out the back door.
I have driven the car around the block in anger as well
as around the block until my favorite song on the radio finished. I have cursed the golf club that my partner
plays at because he is always there but I have thanked it in return for taking
him away on the weekends when I needed the space. I have been a mass of contradictions from one
minute to another but there is nothing that can be done to change that now.
The one thing I have never been, throughout everything
this year, is a liar to thy self. I have
always known that I wasn’t feeling what I should or acting as I was supposed to
and I have always known that I wanted more from this life than the life I am
currently living. I have always known
that the only person that can make life happen to me is me, and I have always
known that I am the only one that can stop myself from achieving my goals as
much as I am the only one that can achieve them.
So why am I writing this mass of confusion blog? Well, because I am confused. I am a woman in her late 40’s still trying to
work out what I am supposed to be doing here and what is the purpose of my life. I guess deep down I know that everything is
okay. I am more together than some but have
more stuffing falling out of the seams that I haven’t quite stitched closed yet
than others, but, that’s okay. I, am
okay. I might not feel much at the moment
and I may be walking around with buckets filled with water rather than eye
sockets, but I’m allowed to be sad, and I am allowed to feel nothing.
© Janeen Hayes 2015
All I can say is Hugs and like I said earlier if that bit of water was not between us I would load my children in the car and visit you,Take your time to feel nothing and know you are loved and to me you are amazing....not sure I would have your strength. So hugs from across the water. Xx
ReplyDeleteYKILYR? You are the light that brightens my day! My life is richer and more brilliant because you are in it! We're it not for your constant support and comfort my life wouldn't be as complete! You are a blessing and I'm honored to call you, sister!!!!�� Peace and respect always!!!
ReplyDeleteJaneen,I always enjoy reading your blog,many emotions have surfaced this year for me also,but mine I can't blame on hormones like I think yours may be some of your highs & lows,I've got 20 years on you,I'm in my mid 60's,I can say from experience that when I turned 50 I went to the Dr & asked him when the big M word was going to be over because I was really sick of feeling that way,so hopefully you'll start feeling better once you get through with it.You'll find things that were so important before are not as important,I too had friends,best friends who are not now my friends,but oh well,I've met other friends,my priorities have changed a bit,this year my focus has been do I dare say BATB.Real life has taken a back seat,do I feel bad? To some degree but I've had a good year enjoying meeting friends & taking a trip to Toronto,yes where the show takes place,did we meet any cast members? No,but we got to see alot of the places where they film.This was a dream I wanted to do,I'd never been out of the USA.Once in awhile we have to do what makes us happy,it's not selfish,maybe this was what people call a bucket list thing for me,I don't know. Do I know what I want to be when I grow up?...No...I try to smile/laugh every day...Hang in there Janeen,you will get through this emotional roller coaster we're all on who are fans of the show,& real life will work out for you,you'll see it takes time.Have a good week ahead.
ReplyDeleteJaneen, you have been through so much this year that your poor brain is shutting down your emotions so you can move to a place where you can cope with it all and heal. I feel that it is a stage you will pass through and come out of stronger, better and with the knowledge you seek. Go with the flow, let things happen and be kind to yourself! You bring out the best in all of us; you have so many wonderful attributes! I hope you move forward soon and feel better about everything. Love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend, how I wish I could take your pain away. You have been through so much....and yet I know I have not come across someone like you...strong, selfless, compassionate, loving, caring with the purest of hearts. You never once complain, instead you held your head high and kept going. You my friend are a truly amazing human being. These difficult times shall pass, cry as much as you want, shout as much as you want, let it all out....don't keep it in. Hang in there lovelie..where there is darkness. ..there is always light. Love you loads and thinking of you always. We maybe oceans apart, but I'm always with you. Big hugs & kisses. Sin Bella xxx
ReplyDeleteAww honey I'm so sorry to hear how much you're hurting & really wish there was something I could do or say to fix things for you. I know how it feels to a certain extent, as I too struggle constantly with depression & health issues & have had a mostly unhappy, downhill kind of year too. Some of it is due to menopause, some due to health issues, some due to family issues & some due to BatB & the fanmily issues too. Fortunately, I have not had to deal with the tragedy of losing a close family member, thank goodness, although we did have a couple of very real scares, but I did lose one of my feline babies too. Life is very much a roller coaster - always full of ups & downs - & this year has clearly been all about the downs for both of us, particularly you darling, but I hope & pray that the coming year will be a wonderful big high, followed by a nice steady straight road of peace for us both & no more major lows. Hang in there hun & ride it with both hands holding on tight, knowing that every low has its end & we just have to get through to the other side! Big hugs hun, Mary R-G xox
ReplyDeleteJay, my dearie, sending gentle hugs across the lands and seas. These empty feelings will pass and you will soar again. xxoo
ReplyDeleteBig huge cuddly hugs to you Janeen! Glad you shared this with us and please know you are not alone <3
ReplyDeleteDear Janeen, my friend, I'm so sorry you feel this way right now. Although it's totally understandable after all you went through the past year. But you will feel better because you're a strong and wonderful person. I'm honoured to have you as a friend and please know you're not alone. Feel better soon ! Love you hun <3 Hugs, Ina
ReplyDelete