Horses to Water

I have learned a very valuable life lesson recently.  I was asked recently by a dear friend if I was okay because, like everyone these days, I have a lot going on.  Some would call what is going on in my life quite exhausting and emotionally draining, others would tell me to drink a cup of cement to harden the F up and just get on with it.  Both of these attitudes though are totally acceptable to me because both are true.

Some of you would be aware that I have my FIL (Father-in-Law) who has been quite ill and my dad has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  These two events by themselves are breaking my heart, but wait, there's more!!!!

My MIL (Mother-in-Law) had chest pains recently that were bad enough for her to be taken to emergency.  After many hours, several tests and a few jabs of a needle later, she has been diagnosed as having an aortic aneurism complicated by two calcified arteries that will require she undergo open heart surgery to rectify the issue, and....repair the aneurism at the same time.  All very curable and all very common.

My FIL was back in hospital for a week with fluid on his lungs (now under control,) but also recently my Dad went on what was supposed to be the cruise of his ever shortening life, only to spend the whole two weeks with a cold.  The cold developed into pneumonia that resulted in him going from the airport to the hospital where he stayed for a few days while docs got his symptoms under control.

Unfortunately Dad has now developed a cough that will be with him until the end and his shortness of breath is critical during any coughing stint he has. Apparently these fits happen about 2-3 times a day but...... he does have medication which has apparently reduced the severity of the coughing which is totally awesome news.  Also awesome news on the Dad front is the Cancer, though progression is evident, it is still confined to one lung so this means, his life expectancy is now 3-6 months further than originally thought.  Yay with that news. I am happy dancing here - believe me. 

Anyway.... prior to my FIL being back in hospital, Steve and I had been discussing whether we should get both of his parents assessed for, what I call, high care, low care, no care, considering their individual ages and combined health issues.  Our intention was to hopefully obtain help for them through community services dependent on the level of care they are eligible for.  We spoke with MIL and organised for her to take her forms to the doctor to get a disabled parking permit giving her more time to get to and around the shopping centre to do her groceries etc.  I researched and downloaded information sheets on the type of things that both In-Laws may be eligible for, all aimed at helping them both age in place, and negate, if possible, the need for Steve and I to look for nursing home or assisted living accommodations on their behalf.

We (meaning Steve and I) would love to be able to help the in-laws, be there for them every agonizing step they take that they need help with, and we would like to see them both look after themselves a little better.  Steve and I want FIL to stop smoking so that if he happens to drop off to sleep, (he is prone to do this all the time) MIL doesn't have to worry about the house burning down around her. FIL has been known to fall asleep with a cigarette in his mouth, hmm not good right!!  Maybe if FIL were to watch his sugar and get his diabetes under control, exercised, or basically just became more active, we would have less to worry about.  Try as we might and with all the good intentions, the In Laws are both slowing killing themselves.  Steve and I sit there and watch it happening in front of us because nothing that we say seems to be having an impact on them.

Then I remembered the age old saying that "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink".  I am not sure of the origin of this saying nor am not trying to steal it from anyone or claim ownership of the saying at all.  Just wanted to be clear on that ;)  But never has this saying been more true than when it comes to the In-Laws and what is happening with them.

My father who is terminally ill and is 7 years older than the FIL, is fitter and healthier than my FIL is right at this moment.  What makes me and Steve really mad is that my dad doesn't have any choices to make that will help him, his illness is what his illness is.  Dad can't go on a diet to loose weight to make walking around his property easier, he can't make a decision not to have cream in his coffee or to ignore his diabetes, or care that it is or isn't under control and my dad can't give up smoking to enable his breathing to be less labored.  My dad doesn't have these life choices to make, his fate has been sealed and no life choices will change the outcome.

It was with these thoughts whirling around in my head that led me to this realization and my life lesson, when my friend simply asked me "How are you going with everything that is going on in your life?"  There was only one answer that I could think of to tell her, and that was, I'm great.

I realized in that moment, that I was okay, that Steve was okay, that together our lives were actually going really well. All of this that I have told you, isn't happening to us, it is happening to them, and although I don't necessarily like it, (nor does Steve for the record), but his parents and my dad, have more than earned the right to live their lives as they want to.  It is us that wants them to change, it is us that wants them to do things our way, it is us that is telling them to they need to completely change their lives, uproot themselves from the only life they have known all for what we consider to be, a better life for them.

So what happens when they are happy existing and not living, so what happens when we give them all the information they need to start to look after themselves and they don't listen, read or care that it is there at all.  What do we do, when no matter how much we want them to change for the better, because we know what is best for them but they don't.  What happens when they say no, through their actions, that they are not interested in changing their lives.  Do we stop helping, do we stop running to help them when they call and ask for us to stop and get them a paper because one of them has fallen and the other doesn't want to walk down the driveway because they are scared they might slip (for the record, it IS a terrible driveway and I hate walking down it when it has been raining).... So what do we do?

As children looking after parents, I realized that the roles are now changing and the children become the parents and the parents the children, I realized that I can't control them or the way they live their life, I can't make them do anything they don't want too, and provided they aren't injuring anyone or putting my life or anyone else's life at risk, I really have no right to tell them what they should and should not be doing.  They can continue to live their life however they want to.  It doesn't matter that we don't agree, it doesn't matter that we "think" we can see what is best for them and it certainly doesn't matter as long as they are still showering, eating, cooking and cleaning themselves albeit with a little bit of help from their son and DIL,  I may not like, but it is what it is.

But even through all of this realization that they are not going to change and that they are going to continue to live their lives however they want to, I can, with my hand on my heart swear to the higher powers, that I am not ever going to stop, leading them to the water in the hope that they will take a drink.