Ramblings of My Addled Brain

The sound of silence echoing

A resound with a hollow ringing

A void of never ending emptiness

The travelling noise is silent

I can hear the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard, the clock ticking in the background, the ringing in my ears and someone sleeping soundly not too far from where I sit (not sure if the gentle snore is coming from my partner or the dog).  My mind is travelling in different directions, my heart is heavy and my body aching.  I feel sick, I feel tired, and all I want to do is curl up in bed and go to sleep.  So why am I still sitting here, wide awake, writing this piece of god knows what?  I don’t even know the direction this is going to take even, as I sit here writing it.

There have been times over the past few weeks that I have felt totally disconnected.  I don’t feel I belong anywhere.  Something that consumed me over the past two years no longer has a hold on me. I am sick of the infighting, I am sick of people not being able to voice their opinions but that is only because they don’t want to hear anyone oppose them. 

I am sick of talking people down off the ledge, telling them things are going to be alright.  And I am sick of waiting, but I know not what for.  I want to change my life, but I don’t know why. I want to do different things but I know not what.  I want to dedicate a year of my life to writing to see if I can do anything with it, but there are so many people out there trying to do the same thing, that I don’t even know if I can be bothered.

I want to travel the world and meet with some wonderful people I have met online, but I know not where to start to organise that.  And I want someone other than me to be the person that makes a decision in my house.

I am scared my cat may be dying and I am so frustrated that I don’t know if he is 13 or 15 because I can’t remember when I got him.  Was it 2000 or was it 2002?  I know where I was working when I got him, but I can’t remember the year.  I am really frustrated by this. 

I am totally over having to wear glasses because everything is so blurry, and although I have now lost over 10 kilo’s I am totally over this fight to find a healthier me even though this is something I will never give up on. 

I have to fly to Brisbane for a two day conference yet history has proven to me that although what I will be told will be at the time, absolutely the truth, the truth will change as it faced with circumstance.  Why listen to the vision when the vision is subjective, open to change and interpretation?  Can I just read the report that comes out of the conference? Do I need to know any of this information in order to do my job?  I am excited though and can’t wait to be proven wrong. It would be great to come back saying that spending my time at this conference was totally beneficial and really informative.  I know that is the outcome the organizers of the conference are trying to achieve.

I don’t understand why people find it so hard to believe I am an introvert and being around a lot of people all the time totally does my head in.  It really isn’t that hard to believe is it?  I had to go to a wedding this last weekend and my partner knew more people than I did.  He gestured to me to go with him yet I resisted saying that I would just stay where I was.  Then I turned to the people I did know and uttered words to the effect of, “My god, he wants to introduce me to people and he wants me to actually talk to strangers.  Why would I do that?”  That is just stoopid and totally goes against my introvertedness yet…… an hour later and two or three glasses of champagne (wasn’t really counting) and I was dragging him around demanding that he introduce me to all of these people I didn’t know but that he did.

I want to find joy again but can’t be bothered looking for it.  It should just come to me.  Gawd, I sound like an entitled little shit, but why is it always me that has to go looking?  Just for once I want something to come to me.  I don’t want to be the one that does everything.  And I am sure there are many of you are nodding your heads in agreement with me here.

I have a mountain of ironing (literally) and three baskets (big ones too) of washing that needs to be done, yet I can’t be bothered, or rather, have no energy to get up and do any of this.  Mind you, 2.15am in the morning really isn’t the best time to be turning on the washing machine and dryer anyway….. But why can’t I do it now.  The fact that I have to get up and go to work may have something to do with it, but then maybe not.  May be, I just can’t be bothered.

I want to learn how to cook, I mean, really cook.  I think it would be awesome to be at home, planning a menu for the week then spend two days cooking it all.  But I don’t have the freezer space and, OMG…. who could be bothered doing all those dishes anyway?  Hmm, maybe I should go out for dinner tomorrow night, that way, there are no dishes for me to clean.  But then I could also leave the ones I do have for the cleaner but I don’t have one of those either, so maybe that isn’t such a good idea after all.

I want my in-laws to choose life (choose, chose, I always get that wrong).  I don’t want to have to worry about them and whether we are going to get a phone call to say that one or both of them are on their way to hospital emergency.  I want to yell and scream at them to get up off their asses and doing something.  I know it’s hard for them, they are both suffering lung disease of some sort and you’d think, that having just watched my father die of a lung related illness that I would have more compassion for them.  But you see the problem here is, my Dad wasn’t given the choice of life against his death.  His disease made that decision for him, but if he could have, he would have made the right choices if he had been in my in-laws shoes.  And that knowledge really annoys me.

Sometimes I don’t want to be strong, sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and cry my ocean of tears.  Having to deal with eyes so swollen that when lying on my back my eyelids could almost touch the ceiling, really doesn’t appeal to me and helps me hold them back somewhat.  Then, having everyone say, “gee you don’t look well, are you okay” is so good for the self-esteem NOT!!!! Who could be bothered with that anyway?  I also have a tooth ache, but I hate the dentist so maybe I will wait until I can’t bear the pain anymore before I do something about it.  That’s what you do isn’t it, always put off until tomorrow what you don’t have to do today…   I know, the right saying is ‘Don’t put off to tomorrow that which can be done today’, but hey…. I am feeling a little bit rebellious today so I am not going to do anything.

And with that comes my conclusion.  Thank god my scattered brain isn’t an everyday thing.  Reading back over what I have written I sound entitled, selfish, ridiculous and totally sound like a winging brat.  The good news is, I think it is all just because I think I am coming down with the flu.  My sore throat and aching limbs are a pretty good indication that this is the case.  So with that, I bid you adieu and until next time, please ignore the ramblings of my addled brain.

Good night!!!