Doing Things Differently

Recently my Dad passed away after an illness and death that was devastating to watch.  I watched my once active and proud father become skin and bones, unable to lift his hand to his mouth to hold the straw from which he was trying to drink.

I sat next to him and saw him struggle to cough, struggle to breath, struggle to talk and struggle to swallow.  I watched him fade before my very eyes.

In the declining days of his life, I wondered what he was thinking, what was he saying to himself? Being that he was so high on morphine because of his pain, was he even really aware about what was happening?  I wondered if he had any regrets, any wishes he could do things differently or try something again hoping for a different, or better outcome.  So, I asked him.

I asked him if he had any regrets, was there anything he would do differently?  His answer to the regrets was, of course he had some. Mostly though, they were centered around the way he had treated people.  How he had not stopped to consider what was happening in their lives, to warrant them wanting to talk to him, or have him do something for them.  Dad told me, that I should always "do unto others, as I would have others do unto me".  He told me Neen, always consider that there is someone else in the story, consider there is always someone else that has something to say, you should listen to them. (Or words to that effect.)

When I asked him if he would have done things differently, his simple answer was "Well, if I had done things differently, then it wouldn't have been me doing it.  I did what I did, because that is what I would have done."  After more discussion between us about regrets and doing things differently, I didn't think much more beyond that.  I just picked up the iron and went on about my business.

Now, as I sit and type this, I am wondering, why aren't I crying? Should I be "doing things differently"? Am I dealing with Dad's passing better than I thought I would?  Am I in denial?  Have I become so unattached from reality, that I think I am living in an alternate life cycle and this is just a really bad dream that I will wake from any minute?

Is it possible to be so relieved that someone has passed away, because of the ugliness of their death, and those words, "thank god he is at peace" are really what I believe so I am okay that he has gone? How can I be ok?  Why won't my tears fall..... my Dad just died.......?

I do believe, that those words I never understood before and believed to be hollow, really do hold meaning.  When Mum died 26 years ago from Cancer, people said to me, "at least she isn't in pain anymore," but I never understood what that meant because I, was in so much pain.  Am I in less pain over my dad passing than my mother?  Or is it, that I just understand things a little better now?

I was young when Mum passed away.  Sure, I thought I had all the answers and I knew EVERYTHING!!! (Not).... but now, 26 years on and Dad passing away.....why am I dealing with this so much better?.  Is it because I now know those words aren't hollow and that Dad leaving is so much better for him, he is free of pain, and he is no longer lingering in that horrible place between life and death.

At the moment, the tears won't fall, and I seem to not be affected by the loss of my Dad. Don't let my surreal sense of calm fool you.  I know I am numb because I need to get through the next couple of days and I can't allow myself to really feel Dad's passing just yet.  I need to be strong for my sisters and for Nola, I need to function.

I don't have anywhere to hide and I certainly can't hide behind a "young adult's" bravado or false idea that this is all I will feel.  I know there is going to be so much more to my grieving.  I know the day will come when I will feel Dad's passing, and I know that I will not be able to stop crying until my tear tickets are spent.  Until then however, I won't feel guilty that my tears won't fall.

And I know, no matter what I do now, I wouldn't do things differently, because then, it wouldn't be me doing it, because I am just doing, what I, am just doing.  And... it wouldn't be me if I did things differently.

©Janeen Hayes 2015