Useless Thoughts

As I sit to type this blog, I once again, have no idea what is going to come out.  I have been listening to music tonight so there are many things going on in my head.  Music always does this to me :). 

Have you ever noticed that music in your ears through headphones is a totally different sound to when it is just playing in the background or on the radio?  For some reason music through headphones has the effect that songs seem to have more meaning, the music sounds clearer and the meaning behind the words of every song can be translated to a moment, a time in your life that you suddenly started reminiscing about for the duration of the song?

I was listening to one song and suddenly transported back to a nightclub that I used to frequent often. For the duration of the song I was listening to at the time, it's like I could feel the music's beat vibrating and I could see my fist punching the air.  Though I would never have actually fist pumped the air back then, for some reason in my transportation back to that moment in time, fist punching the air to the beat of the music seems important, almost triumphant. It's like the me of today is dancing to the beat of yesterday saying "F you past" - I survived you.

Another song had me remembering a particular person, whom at the end of the night I would always seek out for that last dance.  The slow dance.  The dance that for those who had just met would become an introduction to the possibilities of what was in store for them if they continued to dance in their drunken, lust filled haze straight into the arms of the night - ahh yes, the good ole beer goggles, I think most of us have had those on at one time or another. 

For me, this dance was usually to my favorite slow song and no-one could dance that last dance with me like this guy could.  I remember this time both fondly and with regret.  As I was going through a rather traumatic time, the last song of the night would invariably have me in drunken tears as I held on while he swayed me back and forth to the rhythm of the music.  Sometimes we would kiss, sometimes we would just dance.  The times we kissed, the kisses were always passionate, deep and meaningful. I can see now that I am no longer that emotional wreck of a girl seeking comfort in the arms of someone who loved her.  Back then, I was broken and all I could do was try to break those around me too to help me feel like I fit in somewhere, with someone.  But man, could this guy kiss. His kisses always transported me to a place where I felt safe and secure, inevitably this would bring on the tears - because I knew even then that my broken heart could only love him as much as it could at the time.  As it turns out, it wasn't enough.

Another song had me reflecting on my current relationship and how much it means to me now. The strength of the person who is in my life, and how he makes me smile, laugh and feel the passion only really known to a select few.  I was reflecting back to the beginning of our relationship and how hot for each other we were.  Invariably, I then started thinking if we would ever get that passion back, or would it be forever this comfortable companionship developed over the years into a love so deep, just being the same room as him makes me happy.  Hearing his gentle snore from the bedroom, I feel my heart beat slow and as I breath in time with his breaths until my own breath catches at the intensity of love that I feel for him when I think of his not being a part of my life. 

Another song had me remembering last night.  I was sitting at my computer, whiling away the hours doing a cross stitch pattern with no tv on, no radio, no music in my ears,  Actually there was music, but the music was that of the night.  The clock ticked, my man snored, my finger clicked the mouse, my breath exhaled, the fridge hummed, a car drove past the front of the house and an airplane flew over the roof of the house high above me.  My thoughts then drifted to the holiday I had just returned from and then I began thinking about the next holiday that I want to take.  The television creaked and water dripped from the kitchen tap just meters away from where I am sitting.  I then thought, I wonder if Dad enjoyed the holiday as much as I did - figuratively speaking.  NZ was the last place Dad visited before he was diagnosed with Cancer.  

There is a lot going through my head, and sometimes I write these blogs just to sort out what is going on my own head.... I wonder if I will ever figure it out or if I am always going to be someone that asks the questions about life, always seeking out the answer.  

I read on Facebook a post about how people should never judge you unless they have walked in your shoes and experienced your life.  I totally agree with this, but then I went just that little bit further..... Even if someone else had experienced my life, they wouldn't have the same reactions as I have, they wouldn't have the experience that I did, because they aren't me.  This thought really did my head in until I was able to rationalize it with this thought.... how many times have I heard that the people can see the same event unfold before them, but all see it differently.  Finally, I turned down the volume on the silence of the night around me as I took myself off to bed and slept soundly for at least 4 hours,  

For some reason at the moment, I feel pensive, excited, reflective, anxious, scared, happy, bored and empty but not necessarily in that order.  I am one of the lucky ones, because I CAN feel.  Nothing I have experienced in life has numbed me... I am breaking new boundaries and discovering new things about myself every day.  I like that,  I like that I question things, I like that I can ramble on about nothing and feel good about about myself at the end of the day and I really like, that I am capable, able bodied, sound minded (doubtful???), hearing, articulate and an inquiring person who isn't afraid to reflect, re-evaluate, analyse and be adaptable.  

Now..... I wonder what "useless" thoughts I will have tomorrow?

Ticking Clocks

I'm not into numerology, but only because I can never work it out, not because I don't believe in it.  I mention this because I remember a discussion with someone once who was a "numerologist", and in that discussion she mentioned that a "9" year, was a year of finals.  A "9" year is a year of endings, a year of goodbyes and a year of no mores.  If last year wasn't my "9" year, the least it has done is show me that when it does come around, I am ready to face it head on with fists raised, ready to block the punches that will be thrown my way.

Last year I said goodbye to my dad and my furman best buddy Mack. We all know that these things happen in life, but it's not often that someone can say that they said goodbye to 'me'.  I said goodbye to that person without a parent, the person who became an orphan, the pet owner without a pet... I said goodbye to my innocence and came face to face with a "getting older by the minute" me.

I had trials a tribulations that I thought at the time were insurmountable and have never felt more out of control of my life that I can remember.  I do remember feeling empty, I remember feeling frustrated and useless and totally at a loss as to where my life was going to end up and I had absolutely no idea, if I was even going to live for another 5 years so there was no need to get on with planning an actual future.  I remember feeling these things, but never out of control.

Throughout last year, I woke up every morning and just went through the motions. I always made it to the other end of the day, where I would be crawling into bed only to repeat the process the next day and the day after that and.... the day after that..... and so on and so forth.  I cried a few times last year sure, but I also laughed a few times too.  But really, all I was doing was existing.  I was just living the life that was I dealt each day and although there were times I was totally frustrated with it all, I didn't do anything about changing it.  Why would I, because I was in total control wasn't I? Control, of course I was in control......., but here's the thing;  What I was in control of, was being completely out of control and that was me controlling everything?  Now in hindsight that is funny!!!!

How did I not see that I my control wasn't working and that it was only leading me to an inevitable downward spiral that maybe this time, I wasn't going to have the energy to fight my way out of again? Funny, as out of my control as everything was and even though I knew it secretly, I did know that I was living in a state of denial.  It's a great place to live, it is a place I know we all visit more often than we care to admit.

A visit to the doctor was the trigger to snapping me out of my beautiful (pfft), warm and fuzzy state of controlled denial.  I want it to be known.... the doctor didn't give me a cure, but what he did do, was give me a warning that then had me taking notice of and acknowledging, that only I could make the changes needed to stop myself from dying an early death.  Yes, things are that serious.

With the doctors prognosis ringing in my ears, there was a part of me that wanted, for a split second in time, to give in.  To say, to hell with this, this is my lot in life, this is the way it's going to end so lets just have fun doing it because I am too tired to fight for my life anymore.

Then I thought about everything and everyone that I know that has been through things 1 million times worse than I have, and they are still living, still fighting, still make their life matter.  Here I was, ready to wallow in the self pity that had become my default.  Thankfully though, in that flash of life, I had a very very dear Beastie friend of mine's voice inside my head, saying "don't do it.  This may be the hand that you have been dealt, but you have the option of fighting, so fight god dammit, you are worth it". Actually there were a couple of very beautiful people's words ringing in my ears at the exact moment giving up flashed into my minds eye.  If I thought it were okay with them, I would name everyone of them.... Anyway, moving on now.

Everyday was a struggle for me.  Getting out of bed, if I managed to get into it in the first place, hurt like hell.  My joints were always aching, my head was always cloudy, my body almost collapsing. My moods were swing further than Tarzan going from tree to tree from one side of the jungle to the other and I definitely wasn't prepared to listen to anyone tell me anything that they thought I should be doing to save myself.  Even tying my own shoe laces was almost impossible, slip on shoes, or a long handled shoe horn became my best friends.  My feet would swell to the point of pain and I also thought at one stage that they would burst they felt so tight and full of fluid.

Living within my own skin was painful, everything I did was painful.  Walking, sitting, talking, thinking, even wiping my own ass was painful.  So, why on this earth, would I even consider becoming more active, when even sitting on a chair was too exhausting to contemplate.  I was ready to live out the short time I had left this way... right!  WTF, if I kept going the way I was, people wouldn't be able to carry my coffin from it being too heavy to lift.  "Get a grip Janeen and help yourself!!!!" That was what the voices from within were screaming at me.

I decided to listen to the good voices, because I just knew that I didn't want to live the end of my life in the same state or in a state of decline. I didn't want to die before I had the chance to live. But how do I start, what do I do??  I rang one of my sisters and asked her for help.

In the days that followed, I was given information that I was so anxious to hear.  I was guided, led and even shoved into a new state of being that I thought would be really really hard to maintain. Months down the track I know that maintaining this is way of life is a no brainer.

I thought one moment I was going to die, the next I knew I was going to live.  Thankfully my sister was in Melbourne the next week and I was able to spend time in her presence, once again thanking the universe for affording me the opportunity to be given someone like her in my life, someone that took the time to listen, to help, to guide and to encourage but more important to me, didn't judge me for being the way I was but did everything she could to arm me with the tools, to become the person I want to be.

After going through my cupboard with my sister leading the way, I threw out what I thought were the good foods and replaced them with the whole foods.  I stopped buying the quick easy options and started eating non processed foods.  I purchased sugar free cookbooks and replaced my cupboard content with all all the good foods I could find and I even took the time to read the books devouring the information because my life depended on it.

In the first week of being sugar free, I literally felt the fog clear and lift away from my body.  All of a sudden I had energy to stand up for more time than it took me to walk from the chair to the toilet, or bedroom and as the days went by, I found that I was too restless to sit down and watch television; I went for a walk instead.  Did the exercise hurt, omg yes, but I actually felt the good pain, the pain from USING my muscles instead of the aches from the burden my body was putting on my joints.

The weight has started to fade away, which is amazing in itself.  Although the weight loss has slowed, it is that it is still going down. But I am not discouraged by that because my body may be a little confused and not quite know what it is doing, but is stronger than my mind consciously thinks it is and both my mind and body are capable of doing a lot more.  My body is capable of repairing itself and is in the process of doing just that.  I know I have a long journey as far as my weight is concerned, but at least I now feel the energy waiting to be released.  I am walking, I am standing, I am doing the dishes because I am not too tired anymore.

I have cleaned out my fridge and my cupboards and have been down my my hands and knees to clean a patch in the carpet that has been frustrating me for months now.  I can bend down and tie my own shoelaces and even scratch my own back and lift my foot to rest it on my knee as I pull on a sock. These are small things in everyday life, that I have realized I haven't been able to do for awhile.  It is only because I can do them now that I remember I couldn't do them before. And it is the little things that we do everyday, things that I couldn't do before, that make this all worth it.  The best thing though, is that my man can even give me a hug and clasp his hands behind my back. That full body hug, well that is just is the greatest feeling of all.

I can and will do this.  Even if the doctor's prediction comes to fruition and my time is limited, at least I know that I will go out as the best version myself has known in an awful long time and that. I am doing everything I can to prove the doctor wrong.

I promise, I will continue to do everything I can to stop the ticking clock from ticking faster than I want it too.

© Janeen Hayes

Merry Christmas and All That Stuff

I never stopped to think about Christmas and what it means to the people that are in my life. I usually just say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year like it's an everyday event.  I brush it off, so to speak, as just a thing that is said at this time of year, a reciprocation at times, of those very words being uttered to me.

For some of us this is the time to celebrate the life of Christ, it is all about "Our Savior's birth".

For some of us it is just holiday, a time away from the stresses of work and a time to recharge the batteries to be ready to start the coming year with full on energy.

For some of us it is all about family, being with family, being with loved ones or watching the faces of children as they open the, what seems to be, never ending shiny wrapped boxes and gifts.

For some of us it is a time for reflection.  A time to look back over the past year and to try to understand the lessons schooled, or to work out how next year can be improved upon from the year about to be left behind.

But for some us, Christmas, or whatever it is that your belief's tell you this time of year is, is nothing but a painful reminder of the losses and the hollowness we feel.  For some, to reminisce on times past isn't filled with happiness and family fun times.  Some people are reminded of traumatic and tragic times and this time of year only serves to remind some us, of those times of struggle.  It can be a time of loneliness, deep sorrow and to some, excruciatingly painful.  It may even be a time some feel lost, isolated or just plain depressed.

As a child growing up, we didn't have much in the way of money, but we didn't know that.

Dad was so excited about Christmas.  Seeing his four daughters faces as we opened our Santa gifts, was Dad's favorite moment.  He would be creative in the way he would wake us up.  At 4 the morning (because he couldn't wait any longer for Christmas to arrive) Dad would inevitably try something different each year to wake us.  Be it The Supremes blaring Jingle Bells from the stereo, or a bell being rung as he skipped up and down the hallway calling out "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas everybody, time to open your gifts cause Santa's been".  It would be a guess for his daughters as to what part of the world "Santa" had just visited.  In his "traditional" Santa suit, a white singlet with a pillow stuck up it and I'm a Very Merry Santa written on it, Christmas boxer shorts, a Santa hat, socks pulled up as high as they would go and either thongs or gum boots, Dad would dutifully tell us of the places he had been before he landed in "Austraywia" as he was handing out our presents.

I distinctly remember one year, dad and mum thought it would be fun to mix up the name tags on the gifts and write things like, "to you from me", "to me from her" or "to her from it" and things like that; But what they failed to do was make note of what was wrapped and who it was actually for.  The gifts were handed out to each of us, not knowing if the right ones were given to the right child.  As each gift was opened, we would be told that it was either ours and we got to keep it, or to give it to one of the sisters because the present opened wasn't actually for the child who opened it. This is one of my favorite memories of Christmas growing up as a child.

For many years Christmas was about love, laughter and celebrating being with family.  It was about my mum and dad doing everything they could to create memories that would stay with each of their children for many years to come, to create traditions.  Some Christmas mornings were just talked about and some would be recreated, so to speak, over the years to come.  I wish I could go back to those times with today's technology and film them all to replay now, so many years down the track.

I have mourned the loss of my childhood Christmas morning for the past 26 years and was ready to do it again this year.  Christmas stopped being fun, it stopped being about family and became a time for me to be sad because I had lost my Mum and my family were all living their own lives.  Only being with my whole family made Christmas special for me.  Last Christmas, though bittersweet, was one of the best I can remember having.  Again, I was with my Dad and step Mum, all of my sisters and their children and their children's partners.  It was big, it was loud, it was a whole heap of fun. How wrong I was though, to believe that it would be my last, happy Christmas knowing I was going to be saying goodbye to my dad in the coming months.

What I have come to realize over the past few weeks as Christmas is approaching, is that this time of year is so many things to so many people.  I now have friends all over the world as well as those that stand beside me everyday and no two friends feel the same about Christmas.

Even though Christmas this year will be the first without either of my parents, I have decided that I am not going to be sad because I am not with my whole family and two of the people I have loved more than life.  I am going to celebrate Christmas because I will be with Steve and there are still people I love more than life here, with me.  I am enriched with friendships and blessed to have each of my "pen pals" in my life.  I have family around the world now that are my reason for smiling everyday.  I am blessed to have people I can turn to whenever I need support, love or guidance, or just a good ole belly laugh and I that have people in my life, makes it all the more reason to celebrate. I am going to celebrate this Christmas as the birth of my new Christmas attitude.  It's a happy feeling, a feeling of worth.

I am stronger this year for all that I have been through.  I have learned that the people in my life are in my life.  Each of you have made it richer, earthier, saner, crazier, more memorable and for that I thank you.  Whether you choose to celebrate Christmas or whether you choose to not celebrate it, please know that this year, I am celebrating for you and I am celebrating YOU.

So, in the spirit of this time of year and all that it represents to everyone differently, for me, it is my time to just say, Thank you!   Thank you for being a part of my world and sticking with me through and through. Your souls shine so brightly they each lead me to my tomorrows every day.

With love
Janeen

Contradictions in Life

Reflecting on the events of this year isn’t easy, but… in order for me to move forward, reflecting on what has passed is what I need to do.  I need to find the lessons that I was, or need to learn through it all.

There have been times when I felt that I was doing okay and there were others when I thought that if I had to take one more breath that I would collapse because my lungs had forgotten how to work.

I have cried several bucket loads of tears in sorrow but also laughed until I have held my stomach and cried.  I have talked into the winds until my voice has echoed back into my own ears.  I have smiled until I thought my face would crack and I have felt nothing, absolutely nothing.  I have reached highs as big as mountains and found energy that I haven’t felt in over 20 years but there have been times, when even sitting down was too exhausting to think about.

I have wondered at the reason for life and the meaning of it all and I have told myself that I just don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  However, I have learned that I am loved and that some people do value me and I have also learned that those I thought were a friend, were a far worse an enemy than they ever were, a friend.

I have had friends that have betrayed their loved ones and their loved ones who have betrayed my friends.  I have held onto both a cherished dog and my cat, my life partner of animal kind of 15 years, as they traveled their way over the pet rainbow to wait for me to join them, no matter how long it takes me to get there.  I have danced in the laundry as I ironed wrinkled cloths and sworn at the dryer when it has chimed that the cycle is finished.  I have hauled 1000’s of kilograms of groceries from the car to the kitchen and I have walked up and down the hallway of my house more times that I have walked out the back door.

I have driven the car around the block in anger as well as around the block until my favorite song on the radio finished.  I have cursed the golf club that my partner plays at because he is always there but I have thanked it in return for taking him away on the weekends when I needed the space.  I have been a mass of contradictions from one minute to another but there is nothing that can be done to change that now.

The one thing I have never been, throughout everything this year, is a liar to thy self.  I have always known that I wasn’t feeling what I should or acting as I was supposed to and I have always known that I wanted more from this life than the life I am currently living.  I have always known that the only person that can make life happen to me is me, and I have always known that I am the only one that can stop myself from achieving my goals as much as I am the only one that can achieve them.

So why am I writing this mass of confusion blog?  Well, because I am confused.  I am a woman in her late 40’s still trying to work out what I am supposed to be doing here and what is the purpose of my life.  I guess deep down I know that everything is okay.  I am more together than some but have more stuffing falling out of the seams that I haven’t quite stitched closed yet than others, but, that’s okay.  I, am okay.  I might not feel much at the moment and I may be walking around with buckets filled with water rather than eye sockets, but I’m allowed to be sad, and I am allowed to feel nothing. 

I just hope this feeling of nothing hurries the hell up and moves on.  I want to go back to feeling awesome again.

© Janeen Hayes 2015

BatB - More Than Just a TV Show

I woke this morning feeling positive about many things.  No matter the day’s lesson to learn, or tribulation that would surface, in reflection of the day’s events I know I always try to find something good, something that I want to remember and sometimes, something to reflect on that has taught me a new life lesson.

Already this morning I know that although I am currently sitting at home because I don’t feel all that great, I am and was at home to get the news that my favorite TV show is coming to an end and would not be renewed for a 5th season.  Although the show ending devastates me beyond what many would call reason, the positive is that I am home and that I get to process what this actually means to me and my life. 

Many of you may think, so what!  It’s a television show, it’s happened before and it will happen again and just get over it but, this is where I believe that not to be true.  This TV show was more than just people acting out characters on a screen, bringing to life whatever story line was written for that episode.  This show introduced me to a whole other world that I would never have known existed without it.

Through it, I have “met” some people that will be lifelong friends.  People whom have always shown me love and support.  They guided me, advised me, inspired me and have been there for me.  We have disagreed, agreed, drooled, dreamed and fantasized about the story lines and chemistry of the actors on our screen.  We have bounded together and fought for the show that everyone said was not worthy of renewal but we fought together and managed to get a 4 season show.  I didn’t necessarily agree with the plot lines of the show and sometimes I totally disagreed with the arch of a characters story, but…. Regardless of what was happening in this fantasy world, my real world was still knocking on my door and at times, bulldozing it to the floor.

Had it not been for this TV show, I don’t know that I would have been able to make it through this year as “positively” as I have.  It is amazing to know that all I have to do now is sit at my computer and there are a number of people that I can reach out too. It doesn’t matter what time it is or whether I am dressed up to the nines or wearing trackies (sweats), I have friends that are 24 hours a day there for me.  I don’t know if there are many people that can say that.  If it weren’t for this TV show, the support that has helped me through this year would never have existed.  Where would I be now if that were the case?

Throughout this year I have received flowers, notes, gifts, little emoticons waving at me or sending me hearts in private messages, I have had messages of support, words of wisdom and encouragement that whatever I was experiencing at the time would pass.  And it’s true, I have learned that time is an amazing thing as it enables us to step away, analyse and rethink, but the love and support from the people sending the messages to me never wavered over time and remained my constant. 

Sometimes I have felt unworthy of the friendships and felt that it has totally been one sided for them.  They are always there for me, but was I there for them?  For this I am truly sorry and I want them to know, that regardless of what is going on in my life, good, bad, ugly or indifferent, that I will always be there to return to them, what they have previously and unselfishly given to me.  I don’t want one sided friendships, I want to be like VinCat and overcome life’s tribulations together, supported and encouraged always. 

When I first got the news that my TV show was going to end, I asked myself these questions; what do you to when your world goes dark and you feel that your soul is being ripped from your heart?  When something that has helped you through a tough time is gone, not returning and now I feel like am going to fall apart again.  What now, will be my anchor in the storm of my life and what do I do now that my secret fantasy world on which I have found inspiration to write again will be gone?  Is it worth me ranting and raving at all that this is just so wrong that a TV show that bought about the rebirth in the belief that love does exist for us and united people around our world’s globe, gave us all something in common and many of us somewhere to call home on the fan pages, is coming to an end?

I’ve lost a lot this year in all different aspects of my life.   I have reached the highest of highs but then struggled with my own truth and found myself in the depths of despair.  I have questioned my very existence and the meaning of my life and even asked myself am I happy.  I have questioned my worth, my values, my beliefs, my understanding and my motives.  I have even questioned my ideals, and at times my memories.  I have doubted everything about what I believed was the essence of the person I have become over the years. 

I have realized that it doesn’t matter what was in my past, it doesn’t matter where I went wrong, or where I may have made a good or a bad decision.  It doesn’t matter if my memories are based on fact or fiction, or even if they are different from another who saw the same event remembers it.  It doesn’t matter if I have millions in the bank or struggle to find 5 cents at the end of every pay cycle and it certainly doesn’t matter if I have nice nails and perfectly plucked eyebrows.  It doesn’t matter what came before this very minute.  All that matters, at the end of the day, is that I stay positive and believe that with love, support, guidance and for being open to learning from every person that has come into my life including those from BatB, that anything is possible. 

BatB was a television show, in essence that has enabled me to look back, reflect, improve or remodel myself.  I may have an amazing support system when it comes to my family and the awesome man in my life, but they aren’t always awake, and sometimes, they don’t want to listen because they believe they have heard it all before.  Truth be known, they probably have.  Sometimes it is because they know me so well, that they can be prejudiced in our interactions, in their advice and in their unconditional love for me.

I feel that through living my life as honestly and as passionately as I can, that I am living.  It doesn’t matter how I met you or even if I have only ever spoken to you via a message on a computer screen, I feel that you are now a part of me.  You are all a piece of me that makes me the person I am.  I have listened to your words of encouragement, reflected on your words of wisdom and reciprocated your words of love and support and I am so much more because of each of you.

But with the end of this TV show that has given me so much, my biggest hope is that I remember the things I have learned about myself and that I don’t lose those amazing people that I have found.  I can’t express exactly what each of you mean to me and I can’t express, although totally devastated by the loss of our show, just how much I look forward to continue sharing our lives with each other.  I can’t wait for the next chapter.  We will always have our TV show to remind us that passion is good, that love is worth believing in and that fighting to stay together means that you can accomplish anything.  BatB has rekindled my love for writing, my desire to be worth fighting for and the understanding that my hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow can be realized. 

It may have only been a TV show, but it has been one of the greatest lessons in my life thus far. It has taught me so many things about myself.  It reminded me that I can be passionate and that passion can be exciting.  I can fight for what I believe in and I can be…, all and anything that I want to be.  Because of the show’s essence and realization of destiny and because of the friendships that have been born from falling in love with a TV show and sharing that love with like-minded people, Beauty and the Beast (2012) will always be more than just “a TV Show” to me.

Beauty of Life - Just a short note

I am not sure if anyone is aware of this, but….. Today is one of the most precious of days.  I woke up this morning at 5.20am to a brisk Spring day, a temperature of around 3.5 degrees (Celsius) and although it was still dark, dawn was just breaking and it’s subtle lightness meant I didn’t have to turn on a light as I made my way to the car.

When I got home and opened the door to my place (I am currently sleeping at my in-laws) the house was again, light enough that I didn’t need to turn on the lights.  I stood inside the door and reveled in the stillness (everything around me at the moment is go, go, go) before I made my way to the bathroom to start getting ready to start my day.

By the time I was ready to leave and as I walked out the front door to the car, dawn had completely broken and the skies were that beautiful cloudless shade of blue.  There was still a chill in the air but it did nothing to freeze out the warmth I felt just turning my head toward the sky and feeling the sun on my face.  What an amazing feeling.

Today, is one of those days for me that, no matter what is happening, how sad I felt yesterday or may feel tomorrow, today I feel amazing! 

I am able to see that life is all around me, springing to life again after the cold winter, waiting for me to start living it again.  I feel that the darkness I have recently felt and experienced is finally making its way to my past where it belongs, opening my heart and my mind to my future; which is awfully good by the way.  I am excited again.  I am looking forward to getting out and going for walks with my puppy (and of course my significant other half), I can see that I have amazing opportunities in front of me that I couldn’t see before.  Most importantly of all though, is I know I am loved and can love through dark times.  The love that has been sent to me literally and virtually has helped me get through some really tough times.

So thank you everyone who has been there for me, thank you for everyone who as wished me well, sent me messages of strength, pictures of new babies and shared your family’s triumphant moments.  Thank you for sharing your lives with me.  You have enabled me to remember that I am not alone and there is a world out there still revolving.  You have reminded me that the sun is still rising and setting and how new days are being born, lived and remembered as they become yesterday.

I am totally in love with life today.  Isn’t it amazing that because I have experienced sorrow, that I can recognize and understand that today, tomorrow and next week all have the possibility of making me happy, smile and glad to be alive.  

I think so!

The Good Side of the Bad

I believe that we are only ever given as much as we can handle at one time.  I may be naive about this but it is something I very much believe in.  In saying that, I am ready for the next thing to be thrown at me because I know, that no matter what it is, I will be alright.

Some people will say that I am just burying my head in my hands and that I need to take time out for myself, and I totally understand why they think that.... but for some reason I just don't feel the need. Sure things have been pretty shitty for me this year, from the recent passing of my father, to my in-laws both currently being in hospital, to my having to lay my soul saviour Mack to rest yesterday. But you know what, this year is almost over; this means that there's only good stuff that can come now.

I have been very lucky this year too, because through all the bad stuff, through all the dark days, through all the times I have wanted to scream, shout, rant and rage, I have had a mountain of support. My man has been my rock, he has been there for me at every step, sometimes quietly in the background, sometimes pushing me forward, or holding me steady.  He has seen me cry so much but has kissed my swollen eyes telling me I am beautiful.  He has put his arms around me and told me that he is sorry for my losses.  He has held me when I needed him too and pushed me away when I was just being plain stoopid.

He has made me laugh, frustrated the bejeebees out of me, loved me unconditionally and accepted me for being the crier that I am.  But you know the one thing he has never done?  He has never told me to get over it.  He has always just let me be me.

I am grateful for him and to him.  I am so blessed that he chose me to be with me and that he knows me like he does.  This year hasn't been a good one for him either.  He has faced his own challenges, his own heartache and his own issues.  Although we are both going through stuff, we have always managed to be there for each other.

Some people say that a great relationship is all about the sex and of course, communication.  To a point I agree with them.  But what happens when you are both so tired that you can't stay awake after 8pm or one of you goes to bed while the other one stays awake because they have so much running through their heads.  What happens when one is so depressed that all they want to do is crawl into a ball and cry for hours on end.  What happens when the talk stops too?

For me a great relationship is born from mutual respect, the not wanting to change the other person. It's about each person's acceptance, or even love of all of the others idiosyncrasies.  It is the way that person looks at you and sees your soul.  It's the little touches like a hand on your back, the squeeze of your hand when you place yours in theirs.  It's the way they let you be your own person but aren't too scared to pull you up and say "hey I think you have gone too far there".  It's the anticipation of hearing their voice on the other end of the phone.  Of looking at the phone and thinking, "hmm I haven't heard from my man or girl yet".  It's the counting the minutes until you are in that person's presence again.  But, it is also knowing and accepting that you each need your space.  That sometimes, just being under the same roof is all that is needed from your other special someone.

I don't believe there is a perfect relationship, I don't believe that any one successful relationship should be what others base their "I want one like that" future relationships on.  Each relationship only works, or fails for that matter, because of the two people in it.

Something else that I have been blessed with this year is friendships.  From people I have never met to my best friend and everyone one in between.... you have all been there for me.  You have made me laugh when I needed to and allowed me to cry when I wanted to. Your support, your messages of love, and belief in me, your understanding of what is going on in my life and your encouragement toward me making it through whatever it is that is going on.  Reminding me that tomorrow is a new day and that no matter what happens, you are there for me.  It is all of you, and more that I am truly blessed with.  If I hadn't of experienced the hardships I did this year, maybe I would never have known or even realised any of this, I could even have unconsciously taking each of you for granted.

So thank you universe, thank you Higher Powers, thank you to each and every one of you.  You have helped to make this, a truly amazing year so far.  I can't wait and I am super excited for the remainder of the year to come, and to lessons it may teach me.