BatB - More Than Just a TV Show

I woke this morning feeling positive about many things.  No matter the day’s lesson to learn, or tribulation that would surface, in reflection of the day’s events I know I always try to find something good, something that I want to remember and sometimes, something to reflect on that has taught me a new life lesson.

Already this morning I know that although I am currently sitting at home because I don’t feel all that great, I am and was at home to get the news that my favorite TV show is coming to an end and would not be renewed for a 5th season.  Although the show ending devastates me beyond what many would call reason, the positive is that I am home and that I get to process what this actually means to me and my life. 

Many of you may think, so what!  It’s a television show, it’s happened before and it will happen again and just get over it but, this is where I believe that not to be true.  This TV show was more than just people acting out characters on a screen, bringing to life whatever story line was written for that episode.  This show introduced me to a whole other world that I would never have known existed without it.

Through it, I have “met” some people that will be lifelong friends.  People whom have always shown me love and support.  They guided me, advised me, inspired me and have been there for me.  We have disagreed, agreed, drooled, dreamed and fantasized about the story lines and chemistry of the actors on our screen.  We have bounded together and fought for the show that everyone said was not worthy of renewal but we fought together and managed to get a 4 season show.  I didn’t necessarily agree with the plot lines of the show and sometimes I totally disagreed with the arch of a characters story, but…. Regardless of what was happening in this fantasy world, my real world was still knocking on my door and at times, bulldozing it to the floor.

Had it not been for this TV show, I don’t know that I would have been able to make it through this year as “positively” as I have.  It is amazing to know that all I have to do now is sit at my computer and there are a number of people that I can reach out too. It doesn’t matter what time it is or whether I am dressed up to the nines or wearing trackies (sweats), I have friends that are 24 hours a day there for me.  I don’t know if there are many people that can say that.  If it weren’t for this TV show, the support that has helped me through this year would never have existed.  Where would I be now if that were the case?

Throughout this year I have received flowers, notes, gifts, little emoticons waving at me or sending me hearts in private messages, I have had messages of support, words of wisdom and encouragement that whatever I was experiencing at the time would pass.  And it’s true, I have learned that time is an amazing thing as it enables us to step away, analyse and rethink, but the love and support from the people sending the messages to me never wavered over time and remained my constant. 

Sometimes I have felt unworthy of the friendships and felt that it has totally been one sided for them.  They are always there for me, but was I there for them?  For this I am truly sorry and I want them to know, that regardless of what is going on in my life, good, bad, ugly or indifferent, that I will always be there to return to them, what they have previously and unselfishly given to me.  I don’t want one sided friendships, I want to be like VinCat and overcome life’s tribulations together, supported and encouraged always. 

When I first got the news that my TV show was going to end, I asked myself these questions; what do you to when your world goes dark and you feel that your soul is being ripped from your heart?  When something that has helped you through a tough time is gone, not returning and now I feel like am going to fall apart again.  What now, will be my anchor in the storm of my life and what do I do now that my secret fantasy world on which I have found inspiration to write again will be gone?  Is it worth me ranting and raving at all that this is just so wrong that a TV show that bought about the rebirth in the belief that love does exist for us and united people around our world’s globe, gave us all something in common and many of us somewhere to call home on the fan pages, is coming to an end?

I’ve lost a lot this year in all different aspects of my life.   I have reached the highest of highs but then struggled with my own truth and found myself in the depths of despair.  I have questioned my very existence and the meaning of my life and even asked myself am I happy.  I have questioned my worth, my values, my beliefs, my understanding and my motives.  I have even questioned my ideals, and at times my memories.  I have doubted everything about what I believed was the essence of the person I have become over the years. 

I have realized that it doesn’t matter what was in my past, it doesn’t matter where I went wrong, or where I may have made a good or a bad decision.  It doesn’t matter if my memories are based on fact or fiction, or even if they are different from another who saw the same event remembers it.  It doesn’t matter if I have millions in the bank or struggle to find 5 cents at the end of every pay cycle and it certainly doesn’t matter if I have nice nails and perfectly plucked eyebrows.  It doesn’t matter what came before this very minute.  All that matters, at the end of the day, is that I stay positive and believe that with love, support, guidance and for being open to learning from every person that has come into my life including those from BatB, that anything is possible. 

BatB was a television show, in essence that has enabled me to look back, reflect, improve or remodel myself.  I may have an amazing support system when it comes to my family and the awesome man in my life, but they aren’t always awake, and sometimes, they don’t want to listen because they believe they have heard it all before.  Truth be known, they probably have.  Sometimes it is because they know me so well, that they can be prejudiced in our interactions, in their advice and in their unconditional love for me.

I feel that through living my life as honestly and as passionately as I can, that I am living.  It doesn’t matter how I met you or even if I have only ever spoken to you via a message on a computer screen, I feel that you are now a part of me.  You are all a piece of me that makes me the person I am.  I have listened to your words of encouragement, reflected on your words of wisdom and reciprocated your words of love and support and I am so much more because of each of you.

But with the end of this TV show that has given me so much, my biggest hope is that I remember the things I have learned about myself and that I don’t lose those amazing people that I have found.  I can’t express exactly what each of you mean to me and I can’t express, although totally devastated by the loss of our show, just how much I look forward to continue sharing our lives with each other.  I can’t wait for the next chapter.  We will always have our TV show to remind us that passion is good, that love is worth believing in and that fighting to stay together means that you can accomplish anything.  BatB has rekindled my love for writing, my desire to be worth fighting for and the understanding that my hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow can be realized. 

It may have only been a TV show, but it has been one of the greatest lessons in my life thus far. It has taught me so many things about myself.  It reminded me that I can be passionate and that passion can be exciting.  I can fight for what I believe in and I can be…, all and anything that I want to be.  Because of the show’s essence and realization of destiny and because of the friendships that have been born from falling in love with a TV show and sharing that love with like-minded people, Beauty and the Beast (2012) will always be more than just “a TV Show” to me.

Beauty of Life - Just a short note

I am not sure if anyone is aware of this, but….. Today is one of the most precious of days.  I woke up this morning at 5.20am to a brisk Spring day, a temperature of around 3.5 degrees (Celsius) and although it was still dark, dawn was just breaking and it’s subtle lightness meant I didn’t have to turn on a light as I made my way to the car.

When I got home and opened the door to my place (I am currently sleeping at my in-laws) the house was again, light enough that I didn’t need to turn on the lights.  I stood inside the door and reveled in the stillness (everything around me at the moment is go, go, go) before I made my way to the bathroom to start getting ready to start my day.

By the time I was ready to leave and as I walked out the front door to the car, dawn had completely broken and the skies were that beautiful cloudless shade of blue.  There was still a chill in the air but it did nothing to freeze out the warmth I felt just turning my head toward the sky and feeling the sun on my face.  What an amazing feeling.

Today, is one of those days for me that, no matter what is happening, how sad I felt yesterday or may feel tomorrow, today I feel amazing! 

I am able to see that life is all around me, springing to life again after the cold winter, waiting for me to start living it again.  I feel that the darkness I have recently felt and experienced is finally making its way to my past where it belongs, opening my heart and my mind to my future; which is awfully good by the way.  I am excited again.  I am looking forward to getting out and going for walks with my puppy (and of course my significant other half), I can see that I have amazing opportunities in front of me that I couldn’t see before.  Most importantly of all though, is I know I am loved and can love through dark times.  The love that has been sent to me literally and virtually has helped me get through some really tough times.

So thank you everyone who has been there for me, thank you for everyone who as wished me well, sent me messages of strength, pictures of new babies and shared your family’s triumphant moments.  Thank you for sharing your lives with me.  You have enabled me to remember that I am not alone and there is a world out there still revolving.  You have reminded me that the sun is still rising and setting and how new days are being born, lived and remembered as they become yesterday.

I am totally in love with life today.  Isn’t it amazing that because I have experienced sorrow, that I can recognize and understand that today, tomorrow and next week all have the possibility of making me happy, smile and glad to be alive.  

I think so!

The Good Side of the Bad

I believe that we are only ever given as much as we can handle at one time.  I may be naive about this but it is something I very much believe in.  In saying that, I am ready for the next thing to be thrown at me because I know, that no matter what it is, I will be alright.

Some people will say that I am just burying my head in my hands and that I need to take time out for myself, and I totally understand why they think that.... but for some reason I just don't feel the need. Sure things have been pretty shitty for me this year, from the recent passing of my father, to my in-laws both currently being in hospital, to my having to lay my soul saviour Mack to rest yesterday. But you know what, this year is almost over; this means that there's only good stuff that can come now.

I have been very lucky this year too, because through all the bad stuff, through all the dark days, through all the times I have wanted to scream, shout, rant and rage, I have had a mountain of support. My man has been my rock, he has been there for me at every step, sometimes quietly in the background, sometimes pushing me forward, or holding me steady.  He has seen me cry so much but has kissed my swollen eyes telling me I am beautiful.  He has put his arms around me and told me that he is sorry for my losses.  He has held me when I needed him too and pushed me away when I was just being plain stoopid.

He has made me laugh, frustrated the bejeebees out of me, loved me unconditionally and accepted me for being the crier that I am.  But you know the one thing he has never done?  He has never told me to get over it.  He has always just let me be me.

I am grateful for him and to him.  I am so blessed that he chose me to be with me and that he knows me like he does.  This year hasn't been a good one for him either.  He has faced his own challenges, his own heartache and his own issues.  Although we are both going through stuff, we have always managed to be there for each other.

Some people say that a great relationship is all about the sex and of course, communication.  To a point I agree with them.  But what happens when you are both so tired that you can't stay awake after 8pm or one of you goes to bed while the other one stays awake because they have so much running through their heads.  What happens when one is so depressed that all they want to do is crawl into a ball and cry for hours on end.  What happens when the talk stops too?

For me a great relationship is born from mutual respect, the not wanting to change the other person. It's about each person's acceptance, or even love of all of the others idiosyncrasies.  It is the way that person looks at you and sees your soul.  It's the little touches like a hand on your back, the squeeze of your hand when you place yours in theirs.  It's the way they let you be your own person but aren't too scared to pull you up and say "hey I think you have gone too far there".  It's the anticipation of hearing their voice on the other end of the phone.  Of looking at the phone and thinking, "hmm I haven't heard from my man or girl yet".  It's the counting the minutes until you are in that person's presence again.  But, it is also knowing and accepting that you each need your space.  That sometimes, just being under the same roof is all that is needed from your other special someone.

I don't believe there is a perfect relationship, I don't believe that any one successful relationship should be what others base their "I want one like that" future relationships on.  Each relationship only works, or fails for that matter, because of the two people in it.

Something else that I have been blessed with this year is friendships.  From people I have never met to my best friend and everyone one in between.... you have all been there for me.  You have made me laugh when I needed to and allowed me to cry when I wanted to. Your support, your messages of love, and belief in me, your understanding of what is going on in my life and your encouragement toward me making it through whatever it is that is going on.  Reminding me that tomorrow is a new day and that no matter what happens, you are there for me.  It is all of you, and more that I am truly blessed with.  If I hadn't of experienced the hardships I did this year, maybe I would never have known or even realised any of this, I could even have unconsciously taking each of you for granted.

So thank you universe, thank you Higher Powers, thank you to each and every one of you.  You have helped to make this, a truly amazing year so far.  I can't wait and I am super excited for the remainder of the year to come, and to lessons it may teach me.

Ramblings of My Addled Brain

The sound of silence echoing

A resound with a hollow ringing

A void of never ending emptiness

The travelling noise is silent

I can hear the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard, the clock ticking in the background, the ringing in my ears and someone sleeping soundly not too far from where I sit (not sure if the gentle snore is coming from my partner or the dog).  My mind is travelling in different directions, my heart is heavy and my body aching.  I feel sick, I feel tired, and all I want to do is curl up in bed and go to sleep.  So why am I still sitting here, wide awake, writing this piece of god knows what?  I don’t even know the direction this is going to take even, as I sit here writing it.

There have been times over the past few weeks that I have felt totally disconnected.  I don’t feel I belong anywhere.  Something that consumed me over the past two years no longer has a hold on me. I am sick of the infighting, I am sick of people not being able to voice their opinions but that is only because they don’t want to hear anyone oppose them. 

I am sick of talking people down off the ledge, telling them things are going to be alright.  And I am sick of waiting, but I know not what for.  I want to change my life, but I don’t know why. I want to do different things but I know not what.  I want to dedicate a year of my life to writing to see if I can do anything with it, but there are so many people out there trying to do the same thing, that I don’t even know if I can be bothered.

I want to travel the world and meet with some wonderful people I have met online, but I know not where to start to organise that.  And I want someone other than me to be the person that makes a decision in my house.

I am scared my cat may be dying and I am so frustrated that I don’t know if he is 13 or 15 because I can’t remember when I got him.  Was it 2000 or was it 2002?  I know where I was working when I got him, but I can’t remember the year.  I am really frustrated by this. 

I am totally over having to wear glasses because everything is so blurry, and although I have now lost over 10 kilo’s I am totally over this fight to find a healthier me even though this is something I will never give up on. 

I have to fly to Brisbane for a two day conference yet history has proven to me that although what I will be told will be at the time, absolutely the truth, the truth will change as it faced with circumstance.  Why listen to the vision when the vision is subjective, open to change and interpretation?  Can I just read the report that comes out of the conference? Do I need to know any of this information in order to do my job?  I am excited though and can’t wait to be proven wrong. It would be great to come back saying that spending my time at this conference was totally beneficial and really informative.  I know that is the outcome the organizers of the conference are trying to achieve.

I don’t understand why people find it so hard to believe I am an introvert and being around a lot of people all the time totally does my head in.  It really isn’t that hard to believe is it?  I had to go to a wedding this last weekend and my partner knew more people than I did.  He gestured to me to go with him yet I resisted saying that I would just stay where I was.  Then I turned to the people I did know and uttered words to the effect of, “My god, he wants to introduce me to people and he wants me to actually talk to strangers.  Why would I do that?”  That is just stoopid and totally goes against my introvertedness yet…… an hour later and two or three glasses of champagne (wasn’t really counting) and I was dragging him around demanding that he introduce me to all of these people I didn’t know but that he did.

I want to find joy again but can’t be bothered looking for it.  It should just come to me.  Gawd, I sound like an entitled little shit, but why is it always me that has to go looking?  Just for once I want something to come to me.  I don’t want to be the one that does everything.  And I am sure there are many of you are nodding your heads in agreement with me here.

I have a mountain of ironing (literally) and three baskets (big ones too) of washing that needs to be done, yet I can’t be bothered, or rather, have no energy to get up and do any of this.  Mind you, 2.15am in the morning really isn’t the best time to be turning on the washing machine and dryer anyway….. But why can’t I do it now.  The fact that I have to get up and go to work may have something to do with it, but then maybe not.  May be, I just can’t be bothered.

I want to learn how to cook, I mean, really cook.  I think it would be awesome to be at home, planning a menu for the week then spend two days cooking it all.  But I don’t have the freezer space and, OMG…. who could be bothered doing all those dishes anyway?  Hmm, maybe I should go out for dinner tomorrow night, that way, there are no dishes for me to clean.  But then I could also leave the ones I do have for the cleaner but I don’t have one of those either, so maybe that isn’t such a good idea after all.

I want my in-laws to choose life (choose, chose, I always get that wrong).  I don’t want to have to worry about them and whether we are going to get a phone call to say that one or both of them are on their way to hospital emergency.  I want to yell and scream at them to get up off their asses and doing something.  I know it’s hard for them, they are both suffering lung disease of some sort and you’d think, that having just watched my father die of a lung related illness that I would have more compassion for them.  But you see the problem here is, my Dad wasn’t given the choice of life against his death.  His disease made that decision for him, but if he could have, he would have made the right choices if he had been in my in-laws shoes.  And that knowledge really annoys me.

Sometimes I don’t want to be strong, sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and cry my ocean of tears.  Having to deal with eyes so swollen that when lying on my back my eyelids could almost touch the ceiling, really doesn’t appeal to me and helps me hold them back somewhat.  Then, having everyone say, “gee you don’t look well, are you okay” is so good for the self-esteem NOT!!!! Who could be bothered with that anyway?  I also have a tooth ache, but I hate the dentist so maybe I will wait until I can’t bear the pain anymore before I do something about it.  That’s what you do isn’t it, always put off until tomorrow what you don’t have to do today…   I know, the right saying is ‘Don’t put off to tomorrow that which can be done today’, but hey…. I am feeling a little bit rebellious today so I am not going to do anything.

And with that comes my conclusion.  Thank god my scattered brain isn’t an everyday thing.  Reading back over what I have written I sound entitled, selfish, ridiculous and totally sound like a winging brat.  The good news is, I think it is all just because I think I am coming down with the flu.  My sore throat and aching limbs are a pretty good indication that this is the case.  So with that, I bid you adieu and until next time, please ignore the ramblings of my addled brain.

Good night!!!

Maybe On Day Five

As is quite normal for me at the moment, I woke up with my father on my mind.  Since his funeral some three weeks ago now, I’ve had a dream about him that I woke from crying, moments of clarity about his passing and how it is better for him now he is no longer in pain, and numerous bouts of watery eyes that I have consciously prevented from turning into tears.

I have taken the past two days before the weekend off from work because I thought the tears were close.  But again, events in my life have stopped me from shedding the load of tears that I feel I am almost drowning in.  Nothing of significance has happened just little things.  Like I thought I was going to be home by myself for 2 days; as it turned out, it was only one.  I was too busy preparing to get my cry on for day two to cry on day one, that I forgot. The odds of day 2 not happening…… well, they were pretty high.  Needless to say, when my man came home on day 2 of this 3 day trip, I didn’t get to cry on, on my day two either.

Then the weekend came (let’s call these day three and four) and I thought great, here is my chance today to do what I didn’t get to do yesterday or the day before; Cry. Today, I was saying goodbye to my stepmother.  She was leaving to live with her daughter in Queensland, about to start the rest of her life now as Dad had told her he wanted her to do.  I was happy that she was going to spend the time with her daughter, but I knew that her leaving was going to hurt.  Even though our relationship had been tried and tested over the past 25 years, I knew she loved my Dad and my Dad loved her and I did too.  So to me, her leaving felt a little like I was losing Dad again and it was because of this, it left me feeling really sad that I was going to be saying goodbye to her.  On the other hand though, this did have me thinking, great, I will now be able to let loose with the tears once she was on the plane.  Finally I was going to be able to cry.

As it turns out, there was a mix up with the flight and we were at the airport one day early.  Although there was room on the flight that we had arrived for, it wasn’t possible to get my stepmother on that plane because of the “paperwork”.  I felt like saying to the airline attendants, “For god sake, just write her name on the piece of paper with all the passengers’ names on it and let her get on the plane.”  My stepmother was visibly distraught, almost tormented that she wasn’t on the plane, that my own ‘woe is me’ was buried again and I went into action mode.  I had to help sort out the problem, placate my stepmother and get her booked onto the next available flight for that day.  I did, she left but………. I was so worried about her state of mind, that I didn’t get the chance to get my cry on, so……. I didn’t cry on day three either.

That brings me to today; day four and my final day of my time away from work.  I haven’t slept well.  I have been awake for more hours than I have been asleep.  Sitting at the computer, watching heart-warming videos about rescue dogs, old moments in movies that have previously be known to bring me to tears, reading the saddest part in my favorite book, all in the hope that I could cry, finally!  Nothing! Zip! Nudder! Niente!  OMG not even a skerrick of water, in fact, my eyes are feeling quite dry from sitting in front of the computer for the past seven hours.  I even watched a TV show specifically about the relationship between a father and his daughter, hoping that would help.  Still, nothing!

The only thing I didn’t do as it turns out, was sit with my eyes shut, in totally silence, and remember him. I didn’t think to think of all the things that won’t happen anymore.  I didn’t even think to allow myself to get really, really, sad.   As it turns out, all I had to do was remind myself that Dad wasn’t here anymore.  He wouldn’t be on the other end of the phone telling me about his day with as many reminders of his being a pensioner, or what did I do today that wasn’t done his way.  No longer were the words of his wisdom going to be able to guide me through my life, no longer is the sound of his voice going to make me want to cry with longing for I have missed him so much, for I will never hear it again.  No longer will I look at my inbox and see an email from Tom, who was seldom in, hence his email tomsseldomin.  I can’t hear his voice inside my head, I can’t picture him smiling at something that amuses him and I can’t hold his aged spotted hand in mine.  I can’t feel his kiss on my cheek, or feel his arms around me. 

Now that I have started though, I can’t keep crying.  You see, my man is now awake and I have to start my day.  I am going to have to dry my tears that have only just started to fall, literally.  I am going to have to wait for another day to remember and honor my father.  I don’t think I will get to get my cry on, on day four either.  At least day four has shown me what to do to get to get my cry on.  All I need to do is remember.

I know Dad wouldn’t want me to cry, I know he would only want to see a smile on my face and laughter in my eyes and I promise you Dad (as I turn my head toward the sky and send the silent promise to him), I am trying.  But right now, I miss him and this makes me feel sad.  This makes me want to curl into a ball and let it all out.  And I will.  There will be a day that I will let the tears fall, that I will feel the immense pain of his passing, and I will at the end of all of that, dry my tears and stand tall for him.  That is my promise to him.

Maybe on day five?

The Tone Behind the Written Word

In today’s times with social media, instant access and other such immediate forms of communication, one of the easiest things to do is misunderstand the tone intended behind the written word.  Personally, I put this down to a number of reasons, such as but not limited to….

      1.      On occasion, having never actually met the person I am corresponding with, I don’t know or understand how they speak.  I don’t know how they emphasise things, where they may shrug their shoulders or roll their eyes or nod in agreement.  Communication is so much more than words on a piece of paper.

      2.      I remind myself that for some people with whom I interact, English is their second sometimes third language and although I see they write very well, (in some cases better than an actual native English speaker, and let me state here, when I say “native English speaker”, I mean someone that has English as a first language) it is possible, that as a person where English is the only language I speak, I may not use a turn of phrase that some who isn't a native English speaker would – which in turn would cause me to misinterpret what is being said.

      3.     External events on any given day.   They can cloud someone’s ability to accurately say what they really want to say; or interpret what is being said.  Something big could be happening in their lives and what is being said may not be something that would be normally be reacted to.

      4.       We are talking opinions here. 

  

      5.       Self-defence or human nature.

I think, as a society we are mostly instantly reactive.  By this I mean, someone may read this and vehemently disagree with me.  That being the case, I would expect that person to write a scathing response to my “article”.  They may even accuse me of being uneducated and assumptive; or accuse me of not possessing the qualification in which to support my opinions.  They would be correct in that assumption but only I know that.  Then, someone might jump in to agree with me and write a return comment that defends me and my personal opinions.   

But, it is okay that the first person reacts as they did and sends the scathing response.  Well, firstly that person doesn’t know me so they would not be ‘informed’ as to my intention behind writing this blog or the tones in which I am using (albeit in my head) while writing this.  They wouldn’t understand that I am writing this with a questioning tone rather than “a know it all” one.  Unless I told you that would you know the tone that I am using here?

I am constantly reminding myself that people I interact with every day are not all native English speakers.  Sure, some people may write with a better phrase or sentence structure than some of whom have been speaking the language since birth…. but…. English is their second language.  So where I would write ‘I want to go and get a drink’, someone whose first language isn't English may write, ‘I get drink’, or ‘Drink get now I have.'  And all of this is very relevant because as a native English speaker but with an understanding of who I am communicating with, I can appreciate the difference in the sentence structure.  Someone who doesn’t take the time to remember see these things, may look at the persons writing and think, (I don’t think this personally) ‘what is wrong with you, are you so stupid that you can’t even write properly?’  With that thought in someone’s head, responses then come from a different place, a different attitude if you will.

As you all know, (I do know I am not alone here) I have been going through some pretty tough, emotional situations of late.  Because of this, I know, that I am more likely to over react at the moment.  My temper is shorter and my ability and capacity to process other peoples meaning or intention is very much reduced at the moment.  During times of high stress, what I usually do is try to not react.  In fact, I try to do the complete opposite.  I walk away then come back later rather than fight a cause that I really don’t have clear in my head.  I live by a creed (one of many) 'Never make a permanent decision or statement that is clouded by a temporary feeling or circumstance' ©.

It is very common and a very human trait that we defend our opinions.  In doing so though, we forget that people are just as entitled to disagree with our opinion and voice their own as ‘we’ were to state our opinion in the first place.  Why then, do we get so defensive when this happens?  Personally, I always try to be open to hearing someone else’s point of view, or opinion.  I don’t always agree and quite often I can’t even understand the point of view, but I never stop someone from voicing it.  I also, NEVER consciously take an opposing opinion personally.  Even if someone is responding to me and “talking” directly to me, I never take it personally.  There is this very simple phrase, that I think should be ingrained into everyone whether they are native English speakers or not and that is….. “Let’s agree to disagree agreeably and move on.”

Personally I believe, it should always be okay for someone to voice opinion and it should always be okay to have someone disagree with it.  In every situation or circumstance, people see the same event through different eyes and will mostly not retell the event the same way.  So, when there can be no voice to hear, no body language to be seen and no way of watching the expressions of the written word, can I suggest you try to remember this;  If you think someone is attacking you, stop, take a breath before reacting because you cannot hear the tone.  And of course, there is always the option of asking someone if they are angry with you rather than you assume they are. 

Maybe, the opposed voice of opinion is simply just that, an opposed opinion that is being told with an unheard tone, behind the written word.

Doing Things Differently

Recently my Dad passed away after an illness and death that was devastating to watch.  I watched my once active and proud father become skin and bones, unable to lift his hand to his mouth to hold the straw from which he was trying to drink.

I sat next to him and saw him struggle to cough, struggle to breath, struggle to talk and struggle to swallow.  I watched him fade before my very eyes.

In the declining days of his life, I wondered what he was thinking, what was he saying to himself? Being that he was so high on morphine because of his pain, was he even really aware about what was happening?  I wondered if he had any regrets, any wishes he could do things differently or try something again hoping for a different, or better outcome.  So, I asked him.

I asked him if he had any regrets, was there anything he would do differently?  His answer to the regrets was, of course he had some. Mostly though, they were centered around the way he had treated people.  How he had not stopped to consider what was happening in their lives, to warrant them wanting to talk to him, or have him do something for them.  Dad told me, that I should always "do unto others, as I would have others do unto me".  He told me Neen, always consider that there is someone else in the story, consider there is always someone else that has something to say, you should listen to them. (Or words to that effect.)

When I asked him if he would have done things differently, his simple answer was "Well, if I had done things differently, then it wouldn't have been me doing it.  I did what I did, because that is what I would have done."  After more discussion between us about regrets and doing things differently, I didn't think much more beyond that.  I just picked up the iron and went on about my business.

Now, as I sit and type this, I am wondering, why aren't I crying? Should I be "doing things differently"? Am I dealing with Dad's passing better than I thought I would?  Am I in denial?  Have I become so unattached from reality, that I think I am living in an alternate life cycle and this is just a really bad dream that I will wake from any minute?

Is it possible to be so relieved that someone has passed away, because of the ugliness of their death, and those words, "thank god he is at peace" are really what I believe so I am okay that he has gone? How can I be ok?  Why won't my tears fall..... my Dad just died.......?

I do believe, that those words I never understood before and believed to be hollow, really do hold meaning.  When Mum died 26 years ago from Cancer, people said to me, "at least she isn't in pain anymore," but I never understood what that meant because I, was in so much pain.  Am I in less pain over my dad passing than my mother?  Or is it, that I just understand things a little better now?

I was young when Mum passed away.  Sure, I thought I had all the answers and I knew EVERYTHING!!! (Not).... but now, 26 years on and Dad passing away.....why am I dealing with this so much better?.  Is it because I now know those words aren't hollow and that Dad leaving is so much better for him, he is free of pain, and he is no longer lingering in that horrible place between life and death.

At the moment, the tears won't fall, and I seem to not be affected by the loss of my Dad. Don't let my surreal sense of calm fool you.  I know I am numb because I need to get through the next couple of days and I can't allow myself to really feel Dad's passing just yet.  I need to be strong for my sisters and for Nola, I need to function.

I don't have anywhere to hide and I certainly can't hide behind a "young adult's" bravado or false idea that this is all I will feel.  I know there is going to be so much more to my grieving.  I know the day will come when I will feel Dad's passing, and I know that I will not be able to stop crying until my tear tickets are spent.  Until then however, I won't feel guilty that my tears won't fall.

And I know, no matter what I do now, I wouldn't do things differently, because then, it wouldn't be me doing it, because I am just doing, what I, am just doing.  And... it wouldn't be me if I did things differently.

©Janeen Hayes 2015