I was watching a short video of Marc Mero (let me premise this by saying I had no idea who he was when I watched this video) talking to a group of mid teens about how the common belief is that the people we associate with, define the person we are and whom we become. But what really made me stand up and listen to the rest of his video was his next sentence..... (I'm paraphrasing here).... "but that isn't true, it is the choices make when faced with decisions that make us the person we become."
And I got to thinking how abundantly clear and concise this message was. Of course, it isn't something that I haven't heard before and it isn't something that I am sure I have proven myself over time, so what was it about this video that made me stop and actually listen to what the speaker had to say? Was it his story, was it his stage presence, was it his voice, was it his surgically altered (well it looks it to me) face, was it this mountain of a man wearing jeans and a t-shirt pacing back and forth across the stage. No, it was the look on the faces of his audience that captured my attention.
Then I listened, not just with my ears, but with my eyes as well, I listened to the reactions of the students when he reached the punchline of his story, what they heard, how they cried, how they then reacted to each other by reaching out to their friend sitting next to them, or how they quickly glanced around the room to find the student next to them also silently crying. It was a student shaking his head at the tragedy of the speaker's story and almost the look of "I will never do that" that came over his face. It was the young girl who drew in a deep breath when she realized the truth about the words that she was hearing. It was the expressions of realization that made me watch the video again to make sure I wasn't seeing things and to listen again with my ears as well this time, to the story I was being told.
I absolutely believe that when a student is ready to learn a lesson, it's teacher will appear. We never know in what form, or how the lesson will be taught or how long it will take to learn, but learn it we do. Even though many times I have heard and even had this discussion about life's choices and how they define us..., I never really stopped to think about it in an everyday kind of way. Every day I make choices from numerous stimuli but never stop to consider. "what happens if..." Some of these decisions are made instinctively, and majority of the time none of the decisions I make are life altering or personally defining. I just make decisions and then go on with my life, negating to reflect on the decisions I have made throughout the day and how they have changed or affected change in me as a person.
At the end of his video, Marc Mero made the following statement "Love, is just a word until somebody comes along and gives it meaning."
This was a very poignant statement to me, and I found myself nodding my acceptance of what he was saying to ring true to me. Love. The amount of things we can do with it are just amazing to me. We can accept it and give it, revel in it, dream of it, hug it, sing about it and read about it. We can relish in it, we can ignore it, run from it, or run to it and we can hide from it or we can shout from the roof tops that we have found it. We can live for it, we can die for it, we can even be a little bit shy of it. But we all need it. Love can be good for us, or it can prove to be our downfall, but a ride it is on the way down. It can make us strive for perfection or we can accept that it will never be perfect. We can fight for it, or we can fight against it. We can all give it, and we can all take it. We can also use it as a filler word, like, I love french fries, or I love that song..... but like anything, there is a point at which time, love becomes a thing and not just a word. Until you actually feel love, it somehow just isn't real and can't be trusted.
In order to feel love, we have to want it more than we don't. We have make the choice to love, not hate. We have to make the decision to accept love into our life, we have to find that little something to start our love off with, and then progress onto bigger things, more worthy things, like, ourselves for example.
I love, I love a lot of things, and believe my life is richer for doing so. I know what it feels to be hopelessly in love and to love with an intelligent heart. I know what it's like to love with abandon and innocence. I know what it's like to trust with love and to have the trust of love broken, I know what it's like to be afraid of love, but more importantly I also now, know what it's like to embrace love. I open my heart to every person I meet, sometimes it stays open and other times it shuts down immediately, instinctively.....
What I actually know about love could be summed up and wrapped in a little package with a bright red bow and labeled "Choice" Because it is true, until we choose to let love into our lives, there is no light, and we have nothing to compare it too. Love may come in different forms, different shades or even different levels of feeling, but if you choose to let love in, you will definitely give it meaning and you will be defiantly making the choice to live a life with love.
That's a damn fine choice as far as I am concerned, Go on, give love a chance you deserve to give it meaning.
I no longer live in time, I live in moments of time that are filled with love. Remember, it's not what's in your pockets that makes you rich, it's what's in your heart. I know mine is filled with love.
Tuesday, 12 May 2015
Saturday, 9 May 2015
Horses to Water
I have learned a very valuable life lesson recently. I was asked recently by a dear friend if I was okay because, like everyone these days, I have a lot going on. Some would call what is going on in my life quite exhausting and emotionally draining, others would tell me to drink a cup of cement to harden the F up and just get on with it. Both of these attitudes though are totally acceptable to me because both are true.
Some of you would be aware that I have my FIL (Father-in-Law) who has been quite ill and my dad has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. These two events by themselves are breaking my heart, but wait, there's more!!!!
Some of you would be aware that I have my FIL (Father-in-Law) who has been quite ill and my dad has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. These two events by themselves are breaking my heart, but wait, there's more!!!!
My MIL (Mother-in-Law) had chest pains recently that were bad enough for her to be taken to emergency. After many hours, several tests and a few jabs of a needle later, she has been diagnosed as having an aortic aneurism complicated by two calcified arteries that will require she undergo open heart surgery to rectify the issue, and....repair the aneurism at the same time. All very curable and all very common.
My FIL was back in hospital for a week with fluid on his lungs (now under control,) but also recently my Dad went on what was supposed to be the cruise of his ever shortening life, only to spend the whole two weeks with a cold. The cold developed into pneumonia that resulted in him going from the airport to the hospital where he stayed for a few days while docs got his symptoms under control.
Unfortunately Dad has now developed a cough that will be with him until the end and his shortness of breath is critical during any coughing stint he has. Apparently these fits happen about 2-3 times a day but...... he does have medication which has apparently reduced the severity of the coughing which is totally awesome news. Also awesome news on the Dad front is the Cancer, though progression is evident, it is still confined to one lung so this means, his life expectancy is now 3-6 months further than originally thought. Yay with that news. I am happy dancing here - believe me.
My FIL was back in hospital for a week with fluid on his lungs (now under control,) but also recently my Dad went on what was supposed to be the cruise of his ever shortening life, only to spend the whole two weeks with a cold. The cold developed into pneumonia that resulted in him going from the airport to the hospital where he stayed for a few days while docs got his symptoms under control.
Unfortunately Dad has now developed a cough that will be with him until the end and his shortness of breath is critical during any coughing stint he has. Apparently these fits happen about 2-3 times a day but...... he does have medication which has apparently reduced the severity of the coughing which is totally awesome news. Also awesome news on the Dad front is the Cancer, though progression is evident, it is still confined to one lung so this means, his life expectancy is now 3-6 months further than originally thought. Yay with that news. I am happy dancing here - believe me.
Anyway.... prior to my FIL being back in hospital, Steve and I had been discussing whether we should get both of his parents assessed for, what I call, high care, low care, no care, considering their individual ages and combined health issues. Our intention was to hopefully obtain help for them through community services dependent on the level of care they are eligible for. We spoke with MIL and organised for her to take her forms to the doctor to get a disabled parking permit giving her more time to get to and around the shopping centre to do her groceries etc. I researched and downloaded information sheets on the type of things that both In-Laws may be eligible for, all aimed at helping them both age in place, and negate, if possible, the need for Steve and I to look for nursing home or assisted living accommodations on their behalf.
We (meaning Steve and I) would love to be able to help the in-laws, be there for them every agonizing step they take that they need help with, and we would like to see them both look after themselves a little better. Steve and I want FIL to stop smoking so that if he happens to drop off to sleep, (he is prone to do this all the time) MIL doesn't have to worry about the house burning down around her. FIL has been known to fall asleep with a cigarette in his mouth, hmm not good right!! Maybe if FIL were to watch his sugar and get his diabetes under control, exercised, or basically just became more active, we would have less to worry about. Try as we might and with all the good intentions, the In Laws are both slowing killing themselves. Steve and I sit there and watch it happening in front of us because nothing that we say seems to be having an impact on them.
Then I remembered the age old saying that "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink". I am not sure of the origin of this saying nor am not trying to steal it from anyone or claim ownership of the saying at all. Just wanted to be clear on that ;) But never has this saying been more true than when it comes to the In-Laws and what is happening with them.
My father who is terminally ill and is 7 years older than the FIL, is fitter and healthier than my FIL is right at this moment. What makes me and Steve really mad is that my dad doesn't have any choices to make that will help him, his illness is what his illness is. Dad can't go on a diet to loose weight to make walking around his property easier, he can't make a decision not to have cream in his coffee or to ignore his diabetes, or care that it is or isn't under control and my dad can't give up smoking to enable his breathing to be less labored. My dad doesn't have these life choices to make, his fate has been sealed and no life choices will change the outcome.
It was with these thoughts whirling around in my head that led me to this realization and my life lesson, when my friend simply asked me "How are you going with everything that is going on in your life?" There was only one answer that I could think of to tell her, and that was, I'm great.
I realized in that moment, that I was okay, that Steve was okay, that together our lives were actually going really well. All of this that I have told you, isn't happening to us, it is happening to them, and although I don't necessarily like it, (nor does Steve for the record), but his parents and my dad, have more than earned the right to live their lives as they want to. It is us that wants them to change, it is us that wants them to do things our way, it is us that is telling them to they need to completely change their lives, uproot themselves from the only life they have known all for what we consider to be, a better life for them.
So what happens when they are happy existing and not living, so what happens when we give them all the information they need to start to look after themselves and they don't listen, read or care that it is there at all. What do we do, when no matter how much we want them to change for the better, because we know what is best for them but they don't. What happens when they say no, through their actions, that they are not interested in changing their lives. Do we stop helping, do we stop running to help them when they call and ask for us to stop and get them a paper because one of them has fallen and the other doesn't want to walk down the driveway because they are scared they might slip (for the record, it IS a terrible driveway and I hate walking down it when it has been raining).... So what do we do?
As children looking after parents, I realized that the roles are now changing and the children become the parents and the parents the children, I realized that I can't control them or the way they live their life, I can't make them do anything they don't want too, and provided they aren't injuring anyone or putting my life or anyone else's life at risk, I really have no right to tell them what they should and should not be doing. They can continue to live their life however they want to. It doesn't matter that we don't agree, it doesn't matter that we "think" we can see what is best for them and it certainly doesn't matter as long as they are still showering, eating, cooking and cleaning themselves albeit with a little bit of help from their son and DIL, I may not like, but it is what it is.
But even through all of this realization that they are not going to change and that they are going to continue to live their lives however they want to, I can, with my hand on my heart swear to the higher powers, that I am not ever going to stop, leading them to the water in the hope that they will take a drink.
We (meaning Steve and I) would love to be able to help the in-laws, be there for them every agonizing step they take that they need help with, and we would like to see them both look after themselves a little better. Steve and I want FIL to stop smoking so that if he happens to drop off to sleep, (he is prone to do this all the time) MIL doesn't have to worry about the house burning down around her. FIL has been known to fall asleep with a cigarette in his mouth, hmm not good right!! Maybe if FIL were to watch his sugar and get his diabetes under control, exercised, or basically just became more active, we would have less to worry about. Try as we might and with all the good intentions, the In Laws are both slowing killing themselves. Steve and I sit there and watch it happening in front of us because nothing that we say seems to be having an impact on them.
Then I remembered the age old saying that "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink". I am not sure of the origin of this saying nor am not trying to steal it from anyone or claim ownership of the saying at all. Just wanted to be clear on that ;) But never has this saying been more true than when it comes to the In-Laws and what is happening with them.
My father who is terminally ill and is 7 years older than the FIL, is fitter and healthier than my FIL is right at this moment. What makes me and Steve really mad is that my dad doesn't have any choices to make that will help him, his illness is what his illness is. Dad can't go on a diet to loose weight to make walking around his property easier, he can't make a decision not to have cream in his coffee or to ignore his diabetes, or care that it is or isn't under control and my dad can't give up smoking to enable his breathing to be less labored. My dad doesn't have these life choices to make, his fate has been sealed and no life choices will change the outcome.
It was with these thoughts whirling around in my head that led me to this realization and my life lesson, when my friend simply asked me "How are you going with everything that is going on in your life?" There was only one answer that I could think of to tell her, and that was, I'm great.
I realized in that moment, that I was okay, that Steve was okay, that together our lives were actually going really well. All of this that I have told you, isn't happening to us, it is happening to them, and although I don't necessarily like it, (nor does Steve for the record), but his parents and my dad, have more than earned the right to live their lives as they want to. It is us that wants them to change, it is us that wants them to do things our way, it is us that is telling them to they need to completely change their lives, uproot themselves from the only life they have known all for what we consider to be, a better life for them.
So what happens when they are happy existing and not living, so what happens when we give them all the information they need to start to look after themselves and they don't listen, read or care that it is there at all. What do we do, when no matter how much we want them to change for the better, because we know what is best for them but they don't. What happens when they say no, through their actions, that they are not interested in changing their lives. Do we stop helping, do we stop running to help them when they call and ask for us to stop and get them a paper because one of them has fallen and the other doesn't want to walk down the driveway because they are scared they might slip (for the record, it IS a terrible driveway and I hate walking down it when it has been raining).... So what do we do?
As children looking after parents, I realized that the roles are now changing and the children become the parents and the parents the children, I realized that I can't control them or the way they live their life, I can't make them do anything they don't want too, and provided they aren't injuring anyone or putting my life or anyone else's life at risk, I really have no right to tell them what they should and should not be doing. They can continue to live their life however they want to. It doesn't matter that we don't agree, it doesn't matter that we "think" we can see what is best for them and it certainly doesn't matter as long as they are still showering, eating, cooking and cleaning themselves albeit with a little bit of help from their son and DIL, I may not like, but it is what it is.
But even through all of this realization that they are not going to change and that they are going to continue to live their lives however they want to, I can, with my hand on my heart swear to the higher powers, that I am not ever going to stop, leading them to the water in the hope that they will take a drink.
Wednesday, 6 May 2015
That Moment In Time
Have you ever felt?
That moment when something touches you so deeply you want to
both cry and laugh at the same time?
That moment when the profoundness of what is happening around you reaches inside you and draws you inside out until you are tied up in never ending knots?
That moment when you are questioning everything you once knew to be true but which has now led to doubts that you actually understood just how true it was to begin with?
That moment in time when you surrender yourself to the universe to becomes its child of innocence and wonder?
That moment
when you surrender yourself to learning again, what it really feels like to acknowledge just one moment in time.
This is was a moment in time that I spent with someone special. It was a moment in time, that changed my world.
It is these moments in time, that make life worth living.
Wednesday, 8 April 2015
Majoring in Minor Things
Have you ever found yourself over reacting to something that is so trivial and so unimportant in the grand scheme of things? I have! Generally for me, this means that I am either hormonal, or there is something bigger going on that I am not quite ready to acknowledge. So I take a minute to sit down, calm and center myself. I usually end up slamming face first into what is really going on when I follow this process.
Yesterday at work, I found myself feeling like my very soul had been invaded. I felt righteous and indignant and I was ready to fight the world. There was no mountain that was big enough to stop me, no hurdle I wouldn't leap, no wall was going to be left standing or door unopened in my quest to be heard about how I believed my privacy was being violated. I was so angry, I was close to tears and almost hyperventilating, I was so downright furious.
I have a work colleague whom I knew would be on my side if I expressed to her how angry I was, well, because this person, is someone who no matter the topic, no matter the time of day, is always negative and anti everything. Generally I find her a very draining person to be around. (Which is a shame really because she really does have a wonderful heart and will help the smallest of creatures and is always in there fighting for her belief of the greater good.) If you say good morning, she will say something to the effect of.....Oh I woke up a minute before my alarm went off, or my next door neighbor left 1 minute before they normally do which meant I had to wait for them to leave before I could pull out of her drive way, or 'Janeen, why is there only 498 pieces of paper in this ream of paper, (a ream of paper has 500) you know, those really small, non significant things that aren't quite right, but really don't matter and mean absolutely nothing.
It was my acknowledgement that I was about to seek her out for the validation of what I was feeling that made me stop in my tracks. Time to re-evaluate what was actually going on in my life that would have me feeling so angry, or reacting to this task at all.
I asked myself the question, 'what is going on with you' as I replayed the events of my life over the past few days and weeks (and can I say, wow, what a few weeks it has been both physically and emotionally). All it came down to was that I haven't been sleeping very well and I am really really tired. Sure there are reasons for my lack of sleep, but at the end of the day, everyone has things going on in their lives that at times keep them awake more often than usual, so why was I so special that I expected everything around me should change, just because I was tired.
All that really happened at work was that I was asked to fill out two forms (which I have been filling out annually since the day I started working here 5 years ago) and in that moment in time, I felt that this information being asked of me to divulge was none of my employers business. Many would agree with me on this, however, I knowingly signed on the bottom line, my time for disagreeing was passed.
I am a big believer of not majoring in minor things, (some people would call it micro-management - me...not a fan.) Working out when I am doing this was tricky at first as it was a conscious decision in the beginning to live in total awareness of being present and evaluating my actions and reactions in the now, rather than in reflection. I did this because I am innately prone to over reacting to the smallest and most insignificant things or taking things way too personally.
Now if something happens that I really want to react to, I don't. I don't react at all outwardly. Internally, I am asking myself, ok, does this really matter at the end of the day.... do I have control over what is going on, because if I don't, then I shouldn't be trying to control it. Does what is happening effect me after this very moment in time, and should it? I am also asking myself, when I leave this moment, and walk into my future (which is only a minute away) is what is going on around me really going to matter? Usually the answer is no. This means when I do react, it is with a clear head and a resolution is usually found with more ease than it would if I was taking it all personally.
So, if you find a light globe is out, turn it back on, it doesn't matter why it went out or when it went out or even if the globe was working yesterday but isn't now.. All that matters is that I know how to fix it, and I know that if I do it now, then the job is done. I don't need to know the why's and how have you's, all I need to do is change the globe and walk on. The rest of it is insignificant and usually not even a blip on the radar of my life.
Yesterday at work, I found myself feeling like my very soul had been invaded. I felt righteous and indignant and I was ready to fight the world. There was no mountain that was big enough to stop me, no hurdle I wouldn't leap, no wall was going to be left standing or door unopened in my quest to be heard about how I believed my privacy was being violated. I was so angry, I was close to tears and almost hyperventilating, I was so downright furious.
I have a work colleague whom I knew would be on my side if I expressed to her how angry I was, well, because this person, is someone who no matter the topic, no matter the time of day, is always negative and anti everything. Generally I find her a very draining person to be around. (Which is a shame really because she really does have a wonderful heart and will help the smallest of creatures and is always in there fighting for her belief of the greater good.) If you say good morning, she will say something to the effect of.....Oh I woke up a minute before my alarm went off, or my next door neighbor left 1 minute before they normally do which meant I had to wait for them to leave before I could pull out of her drive way, or 'Janeen, why is there only 498 pieces of paper in this ream of paper, (a ream of paper has 500) you know, those really small, non significant things that aren't quite right, but really don't matter and mean absolutely nothing.
It was my acknowledgement that I was about to seek her out for the validation of what I was feeling that made me stop in my tracks. Time to re-evaluate what was actually going on in my life that would have me feeling so angry, or reacting to this task at all.
I asked myself the question, 'what is going on with you' as I replayed the events of my life over the past few days and weeks (and can I say, wow, what a few weeks it has been both physically and emotionally). All it came down to was that I haven't been sleeping very well and I am really really tired. Sure there are reasons for my lack of sleep, but at the end of the day, everyone has things going on in their lives that at times keep them awake more often than usual, so why was I so special that I expected everything around me should change, just because I was tired.
All that really happened at work was that I was asked to fill out two forms (which I have been filling out annually since the day I started working here 5 years ago) and in that moment in time, I felt that this information being asked of me to divulge was none of my employers business. Many would agree with me on this, however, I knowingly signed on the bottom line, my time for disagreeing was passed.
I am a big believer of not majoring in minor things, (some people would call it micro-management - me...not a fan.) Working out when I am doing this was tricky at first as it was a conscious decision in the beginning to live in total awareness of being present and evaluating my actions and reactions in the now, rather than in reflection. I did this because I am innately prone to over reacting to the smallest and most insignificant things or taking things way too personally.
Now if something happens that I really want to react to, I don't. I don't react at all outwardly. Internally, I am asking myself, ok, does this really matter at the end of the day.... do I have control over what is going on, because if I don't, then I shouldn't be trying to control it. Does what is happening effect me after this very moment in time, and should it? I am also asking myself, when I leave this moment, and walk into my future (which is only a minute away) is what is going on around me really going to matter? Usually the answer is no. This means when I do react, it is with a clear head and a resolution is usually found with more ease than it would if I was taking it all personally.
So, if you find a light globe is out, turn it back on, it doesn't matter why it went out or when it went out or even if the globe was working yesterday but isn't now.. All that matters is that I know how to fix it, and I know that if I do it now, then the job is done. I don't need to know the why's and how have you's, all I need to do is change the globe and walk on. The rest of it is insignificant and usually not even a blip on the radar of my life.
Tuesday, 24 March 2015
Love Language
I have an absolute awesome man in my life and he is almost perfect except, when it comes to romance. I don't think the poor love would even know what a rose looks like. But that's okay with me now.
I used to be the girl who thought she wanted full on romance. Surprise dinners, secretly organised weekends away, flowers every now and then, the romantic song dedications, brushing of my hair, the snuggles on the couch while we watch a romcom..... and I remember vividly asking my mum in heaven to make sure she sent me a man that could make me laugh. I remember thinking after I met Steve, thanks Mum, he is perfect, we laugh everyday..... but should I have asked for more?
What is romance? Is it the flowers, weekly restaurant dinners, the secret little notes and the entwined limbs lounging on a couch? Is it the phone call every day, or a text every hour you are apart? Is it a rose on my pillow and breakfast in bed?
Initially, the romance between my partner and I was all about not being able to get enough of each other. Sneaking away for a 5 minute tryst or a long love making session that involved laughing and play fighting for top position. It was fun, it was amazing, it was the time of my life, or so I thought.
As time goes by and the one year rolls into another, the passion fades a little as the aching back, the headache, the bad day at work, the "why can't you put an empty container in the bin" and all the little things start to become big things that annoy you. Hours turn into days turn into weeks and on occasion turn into months without intimacy. Thoughts start to wander, if we don't do "it" soon is he going to look for another way to release that doesn't involve me, but does involve a diminishing bank account or working late becomes a "habit". If we don't spend more intimate time together is he going to start thinking that he doesn't love me? Why does he want to play golf each day over the weekend instead of spending time with me? OMG am I loosing him?
The short answer is no. Not even close. I was looking for him to show me love the way I expected it to be given to me. I expected the dinners, the candlelit love sessions with the scented candles. I wanted flowers and perfumes and weekends away, I wanted to be shown love demonstratively. As it turns out, materially. I wasn't looking for the signs of "his" love.
Then I learned about love language and how just because I wasn't getting what I thought represented love and romance the way I thought I should, didn't mean I wasn't getting it at all. I started to look at my man and his actions, his, love language.
He always treats me with respect. He always listens when I talk (even if I am rambling on about something he isn't interested in), he calls me during the day and says "Baby baby, I just wanted to hear your voice". He kisses me good night every night and good morning before we drive off to work together. He calls me "The Girl" and always says when asked to do something, "I will have to check with The Girl". He never questions my whereabouts, he trusts me explicitly. He always goes to bed before me but within minutes, is calling out to me, telling me "Janeen it's getting late" and he never turns the light out unless I have come to bed.
He talks about me with people and always says he doesn't understand how my heart can be so big and unconditional, and he smiles at me when I say I can't watch a documentary about animals in the wild because I cry if I see an animal in pain. If I see a cute dog, he says before I get the chance to say something "no, you can't have one, we already have enough" and he always looks at me with love shining in his eyes, even when he is angry with me..(usually for good reason). He loves me regardless of the way I look. The only comment he has ever made about my weight is that he wants me to lose it because he doesn't want to be living without me and he worries about my health, not the way I look.
He may sit on the couch and watch sport from countries I have never heard of, and he might breathe heavy when he is eating which drives me mad, and he may not put empty bottles in the bin, but tonight he is cooking dinner, and he is asking me if there is anything he can get me, and he did the dishes and made me a cup of Chai, just the way I like it.
So my closing thought is this, to anyone that is listening.... be sure when you are looking for that special someone to show you love, that they aren't already doing it....... their way, telling you using their love language, just how special you are to them.
Saturday, 14 March 2015
In Sync
I find myself asking the same old question every now and then. Am I happy?
I should be happy. I have a great life, a good job, a man who loves me, makes me laugh, and whom I trust with my darkest thoughts and deepest feelings. He enables me to be my own person and accepts that about me. He is his own person and he and I fit well together. I certainly wouldn't be without him by choice.
I have an amazing family, three sisters who in their, and my worlds, all deserve medals for bravery, awards for their integrity and honorable mentions for being role models in my own life. I have friends from around the world. I have met some, some I have yet to meet and others will probably only every be friends on the other side of a keyboard, but the are still friends just the same.
I have a roof over my head, food on my table and two pets that show their love to me every time I come home from being away. I have the ability to see, to speak, to think, to make up my own mind, I have a soul that listens to music and a body that wants to dance to it. I have reasonable good health, nothing some weight loss wouldn't find beneficial. I don't drink to excess (too often), I can laugh, I can walk, I can do everything an able bodied person should be able to do.
So am I happy? There has not been anything in my life happen that I haven't been able to either overcome, celebrate or achieve, or leave behind without learning the lesson that goes from it having been a part of my world. There have been trials and tribulations sure, but to some, my life has been an easy ride down easy street and to others it has been nothing but an uphill climb since my early teenage years.
I have been bullied and probably even bullied myself, but I would never do it intentionally. I stop and help strangers, cuddle children and love with an open heart. There is so much that I can and will do, but I am happy?
I may not have laugh lines around my eyes, but I put that down to a good skin care regime rather than the fact that I don't laugh. Because I do. I laugh all the time. I may not be the world's prettiest person, but I am not coyote ugly and I don't know of any man that has bitten their arm off in order not to wake me over the years. I get tired, and I yawn and I crave my bed, but I can only sleep for a couple of hours at a time, after that, I am wide awake for a couple of hours, then I go back to sleep again. Is this healthy? Probably not, but it works for me most of the time and when it stops working, I just crash on the couch for the weekend and catch up.
So again I ask myself the question, am I happy? I have a father who is terminally ill, an aunt who passed away on Saturday, and I have spent the whole of Friday night of the last weekend in hospital with my partners parents - yes both of them. I have aches in my body because I keep forgetting to take my vitamin D, and my favourite TV program is still about 8 weeks away from being back on TV. I am wishing my life away all because of a TV program. Can you believe that!!
I have all these things in my life. I live a life that is filled with music, even if it is only in my head, and I have a life filled with words, that I put down on "paper" and I write stories, poems and blogs just because I can.
So am I happy - #HELLYES !!!!
I should be happy. I have a great life, a good job, a man who loves me, makes me laugh, and whom I trust with my darkest thoughts and deepest feelings. He enables me to be my own person and accepts that about me. He is his own person and he and I fit well together. I certainly wouldn't be without him by choice.
I have an amazing family, three sisters who in their, and my worlds, all deserve medals for bravery, awards for their integrity and honorable mentions for being role models in my own life. I have friends from around the world. I have met some, some I have yet to meet and others will probably only every be friends on the other side of a keyboard, but the are still friends just the same.
I have a roof over my head, food on my table and two pets that show their love to me every time I come home from being away. I have the ability to see, to speak, to think, to make up my own mind, I have a soul that listens to music and a body that wants to dance to it. I have reasonable good health, nothing some weight loss wouldn't find beneficial. I don't drink to excess (too often), I can laugh, I can walk, I can do everything an able bodied person should be able to do.
So am I happy? There has not been anything in my life happen that I haven't been able to either overcome, celebrate or achieve, or leave behind without learning the lesson that goes from it having been a part of my world. There have been trials and tribulations sure, but to some, my life has been an easy ride down easy street and to others it has been nothing but an uphill climb since my early teenage years.
I have been bullied and probably even bullied myself, but I would never do it intentionally. I stop and help strangers, cuddle children and love with an open heart. There is so much that I can and will do, but I am happy?
I may not have laugh lines around my eyes, but I put that down to a good skin care regime rather than the fact that I don't laugh. Because I do. I laugh all the time. I may not be the world's prettiest person, but I am not coyote ugly and I don't know of any man that has bitten their arm off in order not to wake me over the years. I get tired, and I yawn and I crave my bed, but I can only sleep for a couple of hours at a time, after that, I am wide awake for a couple of hours, then I go back to sleep again. Is this healthy? Probably not, but it works for me most of the time and when it stops working, I just crash on the couch for the weekend and catch up.
So again I ask myself the question, am I happy? I have a father who is terminally ill, an aunt who passed away on Saturday, and I have spent the whole of Friday night of the last weekend in hospital with my partners parents - yes both of them. I have aches in my body because I keep forgetting to take my vitamin D, and my favourite TV program is still about 8 weeks away from being back on TV. I am wishing my life away all because of a TV program. Can you believe that!!
I have all these things in my life. I live a life that is filled with music, even if it is only in my head, and I have a life filled with words, that I put down on "paper" and I write stories, poems and blogs just because I can.
So am I happy - #HELLYES !!!!
Sunday, 8 March 2015
I Saved a Mans Life or Did I
I am listening to music for my Soul. I write to this music all the time, it soothes me. It takes me to places where I can either run and hide in a fantasy, or sit and write about something that has been on my mind, waiting, wanting to be released.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaoaZiTPiik
There are no words to this music, no prescribed direction, no one telling me about heartbreak or happiness, no sweet words or melodic voices whispering their words in my ears. It is just music. Sometimes its quiet, sometimes it's crescendo sneaks up on you, sometimes it is just light, it is, the music to which I write my life.
I can listen to the same song over and over and each time I go somewhere different with it. Like today. I find myself wanting to cry, I am feeling lost, I am feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life, I want to curl into a ball and cry a mountain of tears, yet as I sit here writing this to you, none fall.
My Dad is dying, my weight is stagnant, my father-in-law is ill, my ankles are still swelling. I am hungry all the time, but I don't want to eat. I know I should be exercising, but instead I sit here writing. I have a tonne of washing to do and about 6 hours of ironing, but, for now, it can all wait.
I saved mans life a few days ago, literally. I was the first on the scene of an accident between a push bike and a car. Naturally the guy on the bike came off second best. I actually think I was out of the car before the guy hit the road after being flung in the air. I heard and saw it all happen in front of me. I reacted, I didn't think, all I knew was, that the rider was going to be hurt and would need help.
We were sitting at a set of traffic lights at a cross intersection, we had a red light. There was a car turning into the street we were on, but she turned in front of a guy on a push bike. I heard the guy say "Oh Shit", I heard his bike brakes activate, I heard him try to gear down and I both heard and saw him hit the car, fly into the air and slide down the back of the car all in a matter of seconds.
Before I even knew what I was doing, my seat belt was undone, I was getting out of the car as I simultaneously checked the traffic to make sure I could get to the rider without being run over by a car myself and I ran to him. I yelled out to him "don't move, don't move, stay still, I'm coming" as I moved to kneel by his side. As I approached him I could see no obvious injuries on the side I was approaching him from, but as I moved to the side facing away from my direction, I was faced with his right arm. It was almost severed off, I saw his artery pumping away his life's fluid and his arm dangling, literally by a piece that was only about 2 inchs/5cm of skin. He tried to move his arm, his shoulder moved but his arm didn't. With that movement came a spurt of blood. He had cut the artery and his blood was pumping out with every heartbeat, which you can imagine, was pretty rapid.
Talking to him calmly, I started to ask him generic questions, as I knelt down and clamped my thumbs onto his arm, just above the cut where I could see his artery and my fingers went to the back of his arm pulling it toward me to effectively holding his arm together. I yelled out to someone to get me something to wrap around his arm and someone handed me a scarf. While I was keeping the pressure on his vein with one hand, I wrapped the scarf around his arm, swapping one hand for the other, the whole time keeping the pressure on his arm. Then I held on for dear life. They tried to take off his backpack, but I said, no leave it, it is acting as a tourniquet for me, and I held on. People asked me did I want them to take over. I shook my head, said no, I'm good and I held on.
The Police were on the scene pretty quickly for all the good they were worth, trying to get statements from everyone that saw the accident happen. The poor girl who hit the rider was hysterical, but no-one bothered about her. Everyone just crowded around "Andrew". The ambulance arrived and took over so I was left to go on my merry way, with Andrew's blood on my hands. I didn't have any water to wash them, the police weren't forth coming with anything to help me either. Once the ambulance man got there, I was redundant and no longer needed, a hindrance it would seem, to them continuing to save Andrew's life. And that's okay.
So I left the scene with no care and went home and on with my life. Until I tried to go to sleep that night. Then all the questions came flooding into my head...... Was the scarf I used going to cause an infection, will he lose his arm, did he live, why didn't I use Steve's belt as a better tourniquet, why didn't I raise his arm to lessen the blood flow, Why were my hands so sore, why didn't I stay until he was placed into the ambulance, why didn't I get more of his name to follow up to see if he was okay, do I want to know if he is okay, do I want to see if there was anything I had done, that could have caused him more injury, why didn't I insist that the police take my name and number OMG did I do the right thing, did I hold his arm tight enough, did I hold it in the right place, did I even want to know the answer to any of these questions, OMG did I do the right thing?
These questions have been running around and around in my head and I just want them to stop. Even though I know I did everything I could, I did what I did and when the ambulance came, Andrew was conscious, breathing and most importantly, alive. I can't stop the questions, the wondering if I did anything wrong, Did I do anything that has caused him to suffer more when my intentions were to only help. Why can't I get these questions to stop.
I still don't know if I am even asking the write questions and when I feel like this, when I have the need to work out what is in my mind I write. I never know if it is going to be a poem, or a blog or a short story. I never know what is going to happen. But the irony between this, is that I can accept that I don't know the answers and keep on going everyday without a worry. I don't even think on the fact that I never know what is going to happen from one day to the next.
I don't get crippled by fear and I don't second guess everything I do, or say, or do, or, say. So why was I questioning myself now? I guess maybe, it is because what was on my mind wasn't about me. It was about Andrew. The guy who was riding his bike on a Thursday afternoon home from work who didn't get there at the time he originally anticipated, but hopefully did or will, still get there.
Feeling like I needed to do something to stop the questions, I came to my computer to put the music for my soul on, I sat with my eyes closed, waiting to see what would come out and started to type, unconsciously ready to type whatever came to mind first. Would it be about me, or would it be about Dad or would it be the start of a new story that has been playing around in the background of my mind.
As you can now see, this is what happened when I listened too my music for my soul.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaoaZiTPiik
There are no words to this music, no prescribed direction, no one telling me about heartbreak or happiness, no sweet words or melodic voices whispering their words in my ears. It is just music. Sometimes its quiet, sometimes it's crescendo sneaks up on you, sometimes it is just light, it is, the music to which I write my life.
I can listen to the same song over and over and each time I go somewhere different with it. Like today. I find myself wanting to cry, I am feeling lost, I am feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life, I want to curl into a ball and cry a mountain of tears, yet as I sit here writing this to you, none fall.
My Dad is dying, my weight is stagnant, my father-in-law is ill, my ankles are still swelling. I am hungry all the time, but I don't want to eat. I know I should be exercising, but instead I sit here writing. I have a tonne of washing to do and about 6 hours of ironing, but, for now, it can all wait.
I saved mans life a few days ago, literally. I was the first on the scene of an accident between a push bike and a car. Naturally the guy on the bike came off second best. I actually think I was out of the car before the guy hit the road after being flung in the air. I heard and saw it all happen in front of me. I reacted, I didn't think, all I knew was, that the rider was going to be hurt and would need help.
We were sitting at a set of traffic lights at a cross intersection, we had a red light. There was a car turning into the street we were on, but she turned in front of a guy on a push bike. I heard the guy say "Oh Shit", I heard his bike brakes activate, I heard him try to gear down and I both heard and saw him hit the car, fly into the air and slide down the back of the car all in a matter of seconds.
Before I even knew what I was doing, my seat belt was undone, I was getting out of the car as I simultaneously checked the traffic to make sure I could get to the rider without being run over by a car myself and I ran to him. I yelled out to him "don't move, don't move, stay still, I'm coming" as I moved to kneel by his side. As I approached him I could see no obvious injuries on the side I was approaching him from, but as I moved to the side facing away from my direction, I was faced with his right arm. It was almost severed off, I saw his artery pumping away his life's fluid and his arm dangling, literally by a piece that was only about 2 inchs/5cm of skin. He tried to move his arm, his shoulder moved but his arm didn't. With that movement came a spurt of blood. He had cut the artery and his blood was pumping out with every heartbeat, which you can imagine, was pretty rapid.
Talking to him calmly, I started to ask him generic questions, as I knelt down and clamped my thumbs onto his arm, just above the cut where I could see his artery and my fingers went to the back of his arm pulling it toward me to effectively holding his arm together. I yelled out to someone to get me something to wrap around his arm and someone handed me a scarf. While I was keeping the pressure on his vein with one hand, I wrapped the scarf around his arm, swapping one hand for the other, the whole time keeping the pressure on his arm. Then I held on for dear life. They tried to take off his backpack, but I said, no leave it, it is acting as a tourniquet for me, and I held on. People asked me did I want them to take over. I shook my head, said no, I'm good and I held on.
The Police were on the scene pretty quickly for all the good they were worth, trying to get statements from everyone that saw the accident happen. The poor girl who hit the rider was hysterical, but no-one bothered about her. Everyone just crowded around "Andrew". The ambulance arrived and took over so I was left to go on my merry way, with Andrew's blood on my hands. I didn't have any water to wash them, the police weren't forth coming with anything to help me either. Once the ambulance man got there, I was redundant and no longer needed, a hindrance it would seem, to them continuing to save Andrew's life. And that's okay.
So I left the scene with no care and went home and on with my life. Until I tried to go to sleep that night. Then all the questions came flooding into my head...... Was the scarf I used going to cause an infection, will he lose his arm, did he live, why didn't I use Steve's belt as a better tourniquet, why didn't I raise his arm to lessen the blood flow, Why were my hands so sore, why didn't I stay until he was placed into the ambulance, why didn't I get more of his name to follow up to see if he was okay, do I want to know if he is okay, do I want to see if there was anything I had done, that could have caused him more injury, why didn't I insist that the police take my name and number OMG did I do the right thing, did I hold his arm tight enough, did I hold it in the right place, did I even want to know the answer to any of these questions, OMG did I do the right thing?
These questions have been running around and around in my head and I just want them to stop. Even though I know I did everything I could, I did what I did and when the ambulance came, Andrew was conscious, breathing and most importantly, alive. I can't stop the questions, the wondering if I did anything wrong, Did I do anything that has caused him to suffer more when my intentions were to only help. Why can't I get these questions to stop.
I still don't know if I am even asking the write questions and when I feel like this, when I have the need to work out what is in my mind I write. I never know if it is going to be a poem, or a blog or a short story. I never know what is going to happen. But the irony between this, is that I can accept that I don't know the answers and keep on going everyday without a worry. I don't even think on the fact that I never know what is going to happen from one day to the next.
I don't get crippled by fear and I don't second guess everything I do, or say, or do, or, say. So why was I questioning myself now? I guess maybe, it is because what was on my mind wasn't about me. It was about Andrew. The guy who was riding his bike on a Thursday afternoon home from work who didn't get there at the time he originally anticipated, but hopefully did or will, still get there.
Feeling like I needed to do something to stop the questions, I came to my computer to put the music for my soul on, I sat with my eyes closed, waiting to see what would come out and started to type, unconsciously ready to type whatever came to mind first. Would it be about me, or would it be about Dad or would it be the start of a new story that has been playing around in the background of my mind.
As you can now see, this is what happened when I listened too my music for my soul.
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