Welcome 2017

As I welcomed in the New Year at midnight, I sat for a few moments and reflected on what the year had been and how it had shaped my hopes and dreams for this new one I had just entered.

They say that you should bring in the New Year the way you want to spend it.  If that is the case, I will be sitting down quietly reading for most of 2017.  The irony to this isn’t lost on me, because although this isn’t originally how I had planned on spending my 2016/2017 New Year’s Eve, it is what I ended up doing and what I will be doing a lot of 2017.

I have books to review and edit and tonnes of reading I want to catch up on because I didn’t get the chance to do it in the year just passed.   I have been accepted into a course this year for emerging leaders and managers and this means I will be doing a lot of reading, at least 30 hours of reading for each of the four units I will be studying.  Some of readings will be about recognizing traits within me, some of it about other people but all of it, aimed at opening doors into my dream job.  So may be, the new year prophecy of doing on the night of the eve of the new year what you plan on doing for the year ahead, just may come true for me.

Although every day in 2016 I expected to be greeted with cold dark stare of death, thankfully, each morning I would walk out to the car momentarily relieved that it was the sounds of life that greeted me.  Even though the precarious balance between life and death resulted in another soul leaving the earth to begin its celestial life again this year, it was a beautiful end, comfortable.  The tunes of a favorite artist greeted the soul, not the awfulness of being found, cold, alone, gone.

Sadness has been such a big part of the past couple of years for me and my loved ones.  I have tried not to let it consume me, dictate my day to day feelings or even shine through every time I opened my mouth.  I have sat and watched the world change, but things for me were the same from one moment to the next.  At times I felt that if I didn’t drown under the weight of everything that was happening that I was being driven six feet under.  I didn’t have time to look after myself, I didn’t have time to watch what I was doing with my own health and I didn’t have time to recognize just how tired I was. 

But over the past few days, although I have said this comment to a few people, I have really come to understand just how true it is, that nothing happened to me last year.  Everything that was going on was happening to the people I loved, my friends, my family, but I was fine.  My man and I were solid.  We were still there for each other through all the bleak dark days and endless nights.  Both of us remained the strength each one of us needed to rely on. 

I have nothing to complain about because I love and I am loved.  I have a roof over my head, a job, money in the bank and a puppy that welcomes me home every day.  I have friends in my life that help me feel complete and family that I love with all of my heart. 

I want to thank every one of you who have been there for me, who have helped me through the year with messages of support and guidance through your friendship or who kept me company in the early hours of the morning as I sat at my computer awake and reading posts.  So many times I found myself wanting to be connected but not always wanting to connect.  Though my silence may have been loud, I was always listening.  Thank you so much for letting me be that person who was able to watch the world from inside my home, feeling safe and secure as I switched on my computer to see how your days had gone, what achievements you had made, what was annoying you, what was making you angry, the people you loved and lost and the memories each of you created living your lives throughout the year.

Goodbye 2016.  I welcome you, 2017.

© Janeen Hayes 2017

 

The Power of Suggestion and Second Chances

I feel like I should be writing words of wisdom (or my wisdom anyway) or at least a funny anecdote that I have in my forever increasing repertoire of life experiences.  But somehow at the moment, it all just seems like its moments.

It's always hard finding time to be good to yourself or to say nice words to yourself when you are busy living life.  I seem to be drifting through it all at the moment, without really stopping to smell the roses so to speak, or at least I was, until last weekend.

Last weekend, I happened to be in a place that I wanted to be nice to myself, give my soul a little love and attention it so richly deserved, so I went to a mind body and spirit festival.  I am always curious about meeting people who claim to have the gift of being able to speak with loved ones on the other side, or using tarot cards to foresee into my future. Along time ago I used to think tarot cards were amazing, until I bought a pack and realized that with each card's meaning, the interpretation of it would change depending on what was happening in my life at the time.  I came to learn that the death card didn't mean someone was going to die, it meant that something was going to end.  Or did it?

Anyway, I was walking with hoards of other people among the numerous "fortune tellers" and "mediums", all either busy talking to a client or quietly sitting there trying to make eye contact or smile as people walked past.  You could see they were hoping that someone would take up the seat opposite them, see them waiting for a the next reading, hoping they could reach someone "from the other side" for the person sitting across from them who would be eagerly waiting for a message to come through.  Me, I was among the throngs of people just walking around, trying to get a feel for the right person to sit in front of.  I don't know what I was trying to feel for though because I don't believe I have a sixth sense, or at least I didn't.

I walked past a particular tarot reader who told me to take a card.  "Go on" she said, "it won't cost you anything for just one card."  I voluntarily reach out to the deck of cards and pull one out then lay it face up on the table in front of me.  "The Master".  The reader says to me "Oh, you have drawn "The Master" then she pauses.  You are very closed off and a master at hiding your feelings.  You don't let anyone in unless you deem them fit and you are certainly very skeptical about life,  Maybe you should try to be more open and wonderful things will come to you."  Interesting to say the least.

I wonder, do you think my standing with my arms folded in front of me and my body turned slightly away from her was giving her any clues as to my state of mind at the time.  Did she interpret my body language as well as the expression on my face to draw that conclusion, or did the card tell her?  Like I said, it is always open to interpretation with tarot cards.

I thanked the woman for her time and continued to walk down the isle of stall holders but as I walked past one lady, I was drawn to her sparkly purple table cloth that had glitter sprinkled around a crystal ball.  Yes, a crystal ball.  So I sat.  I waited.  She looked at me.  She closed her eyes.  She opened her eyes, placed her hands over the crystal ball and said, "Hi Janeen.  Your mum wants to thank you for listening to her and coming to see me today".

I swear you could have picked me up off the floor because I am sure my jaw hit it, if not my whole body.  I swear to you.  I didn't even utter a word to her and I am fairly sure I didn't see any facial recognition software on an iPad, or mobile device of any kind on her table or in her hands.  OMG!!!!

I guess she knew she had me off guard because she then smiled at me and held out her hand, As I placed my hand in hers and held it she said, "Hi, I'm Shirley.  I wanted to run and grab you when you first walked past me earlier, but your mum told me to stay seated because you would be back.  And she was right".

Needless to say I had a very interesting chat with Shirley as we spoke of many things.  Mostly about what happened last year but also a lot about what was possible for the future.  She did tell me that I am loved and protected by several spirits and that I am surrounded by yellow and orange and flowers. Yellow and orange are the colors of warmth and flowers, "What's with the flowers" I said to Shirley. She simply shook her head and said, "I don't know, but your mum wants me to acknowledge these things".

Shirley also told me that Mack, my beloved, would come to me in a dream with my Mum.  I do realize the power of suggestion can be very very strong sometimes, but this was something that I totally forgot about until I woke up crying this morning.  I had a dream last night and in my dream, Mack was lying in my arms telling me he had to go and that he couldn't stay too long, Mum was sitting in the chair beside me and as I held on to Mack as he took his last breaths for the second time, I was able to tell him I was sorry, sorry that I wasn't there for him in the final weeks of his life like I should have been,  sorry for the decision I made to send him to his eternal peace in pet heaven, but that I thought it was the right decision to make for him.  I didn't want him to be in pain but I loved him so very very much and miss him everyday.  In my dream he turned his head to me, and said, "it's okay mum... I am happy, and I love you.  You made the right decision".

Of course, I woke up crying, sobbing in fact.  Is it possible to feel utterly devastated and totally at peace in the same instance?  Even if it was just the power of suggestion, I feel like it has given me, my second chance at saying goodbye.

Thank you Shirley

© Janeen Hayes 2016

Habitual Reactions

It has been said that there are a minimum of 7 'pivotal moments' that happen throughout your life from a young child as you grow into an adult to an age of around 25, that are so profound that they shape your personality for the years to come.  It has also been said that if you can remember at least 3 of those pivotal moments, then you have the chance to change what has probably become destructive and possibly life hindering habitual behaviors. They say 3 events because it generally starts like this, moment one new habit; moment 2 nurturing new habit; and moment 3, solidifying habit for future instinctive recall.  But.... wait, don't panic just yet.  Though those events may be unchangeable, the way you deal with the habitual behaviors in your life today, can be changed if you can recognize those moments and the behavior it created.  All you need to do is work through the moments with the hope of being able to recognize the habit and then trying to create a new habit instead.  Easy right?

Sometimes this can be done by simply replaying the movie of your life, finding those pivotal moments and acknowledging the behavior and instinctive reaction it created.  This will then allow you to be consciously aware of it.  You need to be very present in your day to day life, be aware of yourself at all times and know when you are reacting to something and where that reaction is coming from.  But like I said, you need to be very very present and self aware.  In most cases however, professional help is needed.  There is definitely no shame in that.  So, bring on the soul searching I say, because I know I have some habits that need to change big time.

I bet you didn't know this.  I have an amazing, almost magical ability.  This ability is something I have worked on, manipulated, shaped and honed over who knows, how many years.  This ability of mine is called...... wait for it...... Self Sabotage.  Sometimes referred to by myself as, "You Stoopid Idiot Janeen".

I am fairly certain I know where this, I am going to refer to it as a 'reaction" stems from.  I distinctly remember as a young girl sitting in a hospital room after my family had been involved in a very serious car accident.  Listening to the nurses talk about the injuries of my father and sister was pretty scary stuff for my 7 year old brain, but I definitely remember one of the nurses saying how they felt sorry for my mum. With four young girls to look after, while her husband went through the coming months of recovery and rehabilitation it was going to be a tough time for her and then went on to say, how happy they were that they weren't in her shoes.

As a 7 year old my thoughts were pretty simplistic at the time. I remember thinking in order for me to help mum that I would never be a burden to her and that I would do everything I could to help her. If I was quiet, did everything I could to help but not be seen, then I would help Mum get through what was in front of her.  She wouldn't have to worry about me.  My intentions were in the right place for all I understood it to mean at the time.  I think this is why I tend to keep things to myself, I don't make much noise and I try to blend into the background a lot.  I work through my own problems rather than share them with others because I don't want them to know I am there.  A very pivotal moment in my life as Moment One has occurred.  (Deal with stuff myself, don't be noticed)

Now years down the track, life experiences lived and lessons learned and lessons still to be learned, I have finally realized just how much of an impact that time of my life had on me.  My whole family was lucky to walk away from the accident, but although my father and one of my sisters (I have three older ones) were the only ones with visible injuries, they weren't the only ones that walked away with scars.

I remember another time in my life. As a young girl struggling through puberty with the feelings of insecurity, fear of rejection and learning the hard way that there were differences between me and the boy next door apart from the obvious things, like that he wore jeans and I wore dresses.  I was always referred to as an early bloomer and developed boobs early which brought on reactions from boys that I didn't know what to do with, or really understand.  After a very specific event I learned to be very careful with the way I dressed, careful to dress in clothing that meant I didn't stand out, that I could go about my day and not disturb anyone, hopefully and especially, the boy next door or the boys at school.

I used to be bullied at school.  I learned at a young age to keep my own company and not make too much noise because I didn't want anyone to notice me.  I would sit in the back of the class room hoping that I would make it through the lesson without having anything thrown at me, water poured over my head, my name being used in a stupidly made up dirty verse or that the taunting about my big boobs would stop.  The kids at school used to joke that my boobs would always enter the room first so everyone would know I was coming.   I think this may also be why I am so kind to the underdog and always tell people in my life how beautiful, complete and whole they are, just as they are, without needing to change anything unless they want too.  A very pivotal moment in my life as Moment Two has occurred. Hide yourself. Don't be noticed. Being noticed causes pain. Change what you are doing so that no-one notices you again.

Needless to say, another event occurred when I was in my late teens.  Moment Three solidified my behavior as it made me even more determined to change what I looked like.  The habitual reaction to change things if I get noticed, make sure I don't stand out or make people see me created a self sabotage habit that I was yet to become aware I had.

Anyway, I have done all of these things to hide myself from the world.  Until recently I refused to have my photo taken, I didn't want to lose weight, what if someone noticed.  I didn't want my skin to look refreshed because what if someone noticed.  I wouldn't put figure hugging clothes on when I had one, because, what if someone noticed.  And makeup - well, less is more right.. I put make up on once, and a boy laughed at me and said I looked like a clown.  Someone noticed me.  Better change that then right!  But here's the kicker.... I have put such a protective shell around me and so much weight that now my health is at risk and I need to make some changes to make that change, a life change, a sustainable change.

Right here, right now.  I have come to learn about my self sabotage and how I am doing it again, slipping into self sabotage mode.  Because in trying to get myself healthy, in trying to change my life, or at least give myself a chance at one, I am making changes.  This means however, people are starting to comment on how good I look, how my skin is glowing, how my weight loss is awesome, and I look so alive.  And I am fighting like crazy to not self sabotage myself into an early grave.  But it's a struggle, it is a fight every moment of my waking life and a constant reoccurring voice in my head, don't self sabotage, don't self sabotage, oops, your self sabotaging, STOP IT

Soul searching 101 has bought me here, to this blog, to this putting down my thoughts, feelings and emotions.  It's okay if you notice me here because here, I am just words on a screen. You are not seeing me.  There is also another reason for my telling you this, and probably the most important reason for putting it out there for people to see, to read, to comment on, (or at least in my mind there is), it makes me accountable to someone.  I need help, I need to desperately change this behavior, this destructive instinctual merry-go-round reaction because being noticed, is okay, or so I keep telling myself.

Oh My Gawd - what if someone notices.

To Believe or Not to Believe - That is the Question

Okay, so I went to see a medium the other day.  Some people may believe in them, some people may not, that's okay, what ever you believe is fine with me after all, who am I to judge.  I have been to a few mediums over the years... I've met some that have totally floored me with their "insight" and others I have walked away from thinking that they may have been on some sort of hippy fluid that if I was that way inclined myself, I wouldn't mind trying at least once in my lifetime.

According to this latest medium, I was an elder from an Hawaiian background in a previous life.  I was well loved and respected and supposedly, very wise and sort after for my "healing" abilities.  I am supposedly off the charts when it comes to emotional intelligence but still a child when it comes to dealing with my own personal demons.  She said I need to go back and find the inner child I left behind and bring it into today.  Hmm, yeah, I see what she is saying, but I am sure that particular "insight" isn't exclusive to me.

My father, bless him, is evidently playing cards now - something he never did when he was alive...unless solitaire counts?  He used to play that on the computer - A LOT!!!  He wanted me to know that he is okay, that he is healing and that Mum is with him too and she is also doing fine.  He told the medium to tell me he is sorry.  Evidently he has a lot of regrets and now, in hindsight would love to come back to earth to live his life again and do things a little bit differently.  Hey Dad!!!  It was what it was, don't ever think you have to come back to do it all again.  - I love you regardless.

She also told me that my relationship was secure and long lasting, that I am going to travel and see wonderful things in my life.  I am well protected as I carry a lot of spirit with me.  I have the ability to earn a living from my "hobby" and I have been told to do a short stories or creative writing course. She also told me to be wary of a couple of people (no she didn't name them) but she said that I
know who they are and where they are and that I absolutely know instinctively when to back down around these people. - For the record, I think I know who they are and if I am right, I only back down because I just can't be bothered with them, not because I fear them or that they intimidate me in anyway.  Trust me, there is more to my life than what these people think they think or know of me.

She told me that I have to give and receive more.  I have to concentrate on what I enjoy in life and make things happen around me.  I am on the right track with my health and she said she could "see" that there had been and will continue to be, only good things to come with regard to my health. Whoo hooo.... chocolate bar, here I come.  She also told me that she sees a move for me, an opportunity to move to somewhere near water (I currently live a 5 minute walk from a creek) and lots and lots of flowers.  Honestly, I have no idea where these flowers are coming from but she said they are everywhere.  Okay, I get it, there are lots of flowers... Just don't tell my black thumbs about the flowers, let them bloom in the spirit world I say, my thumbs on this plain, will kill them.

She believes I should paint.  I told her, I would have to practice drawing straight lines first, because if my life depended on my drawing straight lines, I would be dead for sure.  But, they say painting isn't about straight lines and it can be subjective, abstract, anything really, as long as the artist can interpret it into something that the artsy people of this world like and would buy.  Please don't tell this to my Pictionary partner, because she would say that my picture of the Mona Lisa is definitely interpretive.... just not to anyone who actually needs to guess what it is I am drawing for the sake of the game.

The Medium said that I was going to be driving a new car, a red one at that.  It was going to be sporty and that my Father is shaking his head at me because I will drive it too fast.  I have always said that it isn't my fault the world is driving 5klms slower than I am and that being in front of everyone else on the road, means that I don't have to worry about what they are doing behind me.  It definitely isn't my fault that the guy in the car next to me also feels that way and off we both go after the traffic lights change, in a cloud of burned rubber and red lined engine smoke to see who is first when the lane merges to one further down the road.  I promise you that I only ever do this if there are no woman and children around... Mainly because some mummy drivers and some young "children" drivers (newbies to the driving world - hence I call them children) believe they are invincible on the road and who am I to prove them wrong.  :) For the record, I don't have children and I am not a newbie driver so I don't  fall into either of these categories.  I think I fit rather well into the "mostly good, but sometimes do dumb things" driver category.

So, most of what she was telling me was pretty generic and nothing at all exclusive to me and I was sitting in front of this woman listening to what she was saying thinking, yeah.... I think you might not quite be the real deal here.  Sure you are insightful, but.... you may just be good at reading people here and not necessarily talking to spirit.

But then......

Janeen, I keep seeing a beautiful, black and white cat laying on your pillow when you sleep and he is often curled up between your body and your keyboard when you sit at the computer.  He is happy and he said to tell you that he is eating and peeing (yes you are reading that right) and that you don't have to worry about him.  He is happy with the decision you made because it meant that he only ever knew happiness and never new what pain was.  He said to tell you that if you had waited another few days he would have been in so much pain that he probably would have hurt you and lashed out at you. You definitely were his Mummy and he loved and loves you so much. For those that don't know, I had Mack my cat put down in August last year because he had developed renal failure.  I had noticed that he wasn't eating and hadn't been to the toilet in over a week - among other things over the previous months, and made the decision to put him to eternal sleep rather than see him suffer through his illness and die a slow and inevitable painful death.  There is absolutely no-way on this living plain that this woman would have know this.  Trust Me.

And then....

Janeen, there is a young man present who says he knows your partner.  He wants you to pass on to your partner that he is sorry he didn't go to him and he is sorry that he chose to kill himself rather than seek help.  Please tell your partner that he is healing on the other side, he is learning to live so that when he is ready to return, he won't make the same decision again.  But please tell you partner, his friend is doing okay, and that he loves him.

I spoke to Steve about this when I got home, and yes, there was a friend of his that committed suicide though I had never met him... and what he asked me to pass on to Steve, was exactly what Steve had said he often thought about when he thought of this friend.

After I drew three angel cards, all of them very relevant to me at the time, there were several other things that the medium and I spoke about, all of them equally poignant but for my ears only.  She was more than she appeared to be at first.  Even if there were no earth shattering revelations for me and there isn't any life change questions I needed answers to I am glad that I went to speak with her.  That she was able to see my Dad who passed in July last year and Mack who passed in August last year, at this time in my life, fills me with warmth.

I am somewhat more at ease with my decision about Mack, though I miss him desperately and most likely will for a long time to come.  I know I can't go back in time and change anything, everything that has been done is past now and can't be changed.  I find speaking to the spirits around me through a medium makes a nice change to just speaking to the "empty" room I am standing in.

I do believe I am a believer of this Medium and that this one may have something there that I will explore more in the future...

Or not!

© Janeen Hayes 2016

Useless Thoughts

As I sit to type this blog, I once again, have no idea what is going to come out.  I have been listening to music tonight so there are many things going on in my head.  Music always does this to me :). 

Have you ever noticed that music in your ears through headphones is a totally different sound to when it is just playing in the background or on the radio?  For some reason music through headphones has the effect that songs seem to have more meaning, the music sounds clearer and the meaning behind the words of every song can be translated to a moment, a time in your life that you suddenly started reminiscing about for the duration of the song?

I was listening to one song and suddenly transported back to a nightclub that I used to frequent often. For the duration of the song I was listening to at the time, it's like I could feel the music's beat vibrating and I could see my fist punching the air.  Though I would never have actually fist pumped the air back then, for some reason in my transportation back to that moment in time, fist punching the air to the beat of the music seems important, almost triumphant. It's like the me of today is dancing to the beat of yesterday saying "F you past" - I survived you.

Another song had me remembering a particular person, whom at the end of the night I would always seek out for that last dance.  The slow dance.  The dance that for those who had just met would become an introduction to the possibilities of what was in store for them if they continued to dance in their drunken, lust filled haze straight into the arms of the night - ahh yes, the good ole beer goggles, I think most of us have had those on at one time or another. 

For me, this dance was usually to my favorite slow song and no-one could dance that last dance with me like this guy could.  I remember this time both fondly and with regret.  As I was going through a rather traumatic time, the last song of the night would invariably have me in drunken tears as I held on while he swayed me back and forth to the rhythm of the music.  Sometimes we would kiss, sometimes we would just dance.  The times we kissed, the kisses were always passionate, deep and meaningful. I can see now that I am no longer that emotional wreck of a girl seeking comfort in the arms of someone who loved her.  Back then, I was broken and all I could do was try to break those around me too to help me feel like I fit in somewhere, with someone.  But man, could this guy kiss. His kisses always transported me to a place where I felt safe and secure, inevitably this would bring on the tears - because I knew even then that my broken heart could only love him as much as it could at the time.  As it turns out, it wasn't enough.

Another song had me reflecting on my current relationship and how much it means to me now. The strength of the person who is in my life, and how he makes me smile, laugh and feel the passion only really known to a select few.  I was reflecting back to the beginning of our relationship and how hot for each other we were.  Invariably, I then started thinking if we would ever get that passion back, or would it be forever this comfortable companionship developed over the years into a love so deep, just being the same room as him makes me happy.  Hearing his gentle snore from the bedroom, I feel my heart beat slow and as I breath in time with his breaths until my own breath catches at the intensity of love that I feel for him when I think of his not being a part of my life. 

Another song had me remembering last night.  I was sitting at my computer, whiling away the hours doing a cross stitch pattern with no tv on, no radio, no music in my ears,  Actually there was music, but the music was that of the night.  The clock ticked, my man snored, my finger clicked the mouse, my breath exhaled, the fridge hummed, a car drove past the front of the house and an airplane flew over the roof of the house high above me.  My thoughts then drifted to the holiday I had just returned from and then I began thinking about the next holiday that I want to take.  The television creaked and water dripped from the kitchen tap just meters away from where I am sitting.  I then thought, I wonder if Dad enjoyed the holiday as much as I did - figuratively speaking.  NZ was the last place Dad visited before he was diagnosed with Cancer.  

There is a lot going through my head, and sometimes I write these blogs just to sort out what is going on my own head.... I wonder if I will ever figure it out or if I am always going to be someone that asks the questions about life, always seeking out the answer.  

I read on Facebook a post about how people should never judge you unless they have walked in your shoes and experienced your life.  I totally agree with this, but then I went just that little bit further..... Even if someone else had experienced my life, they wouldn't have the same reactions as I have, they wouldn't have the experience that I did, because they aren't me.  This thought really did my head in until I was able to rationalize it with this thought.... how many times have I heard that the people can see the same event unfold before them, but all see it differently.  Finally, I turned down the volume on the silence of the night around me as I took myself off to bed and slept soundly for at least 4 hours,  

For some reason at the moment, I feel pensive, excited, reflective, anxious, scared, happy, bored and empty but not necessarily in that order.  I am one of the lucky ones, because I CAN feel.  Nothing I have experienced in life has numbed me... I am breaking new boundaries and discovering new things about myself every day.  I like that,  I like that I question things, I like that I can ramble on about nothing and feel good about about myself at the end of the day and I really like, that I am capable, able bodied, sound minded (doubtful???), hearing, articulate and an inquiring person who isn't afraid to reflect, re-evaluate, analyse and be adaptable.  

Now..... I wonder what "useless" thoughts I will have tomorrow?

Ticking Clocks

I'm not into numerology, but only because I can never work it out, not because I don't believe in it.  I mention this because I remember a discussion with someone once who was a "numerologist", and in that discussion she mentioned that a "9" year, was a year of finals.  A "9" year is a year of endings, a year of goodbyes and a year of no mores.  If last year wasn't my "9" year, the least it has done is show me that when it does come around, I am ready to face it head on with fists raised, ready to block the punches that will be thrown my way.

Last year I said goodbye to my dad and my furman best buddy Mack. We all know that these things happen in life, but it's not often that someone can say that they said goodbye to 'me'.  I said goodbye to that person without a parent, the person who became an orphan, the pet owner without a pet... I said goodbye to my innocence and came face to face with a "getting older by the minute" me.

I had trials a tribulations that I thought at the time were insurmountable and have never felt more out of control of my life that I can remember.  I do remember feeling empty, I remember feeling frustrated and useless and totally at a loss as to where my life was going to end up and I had absolutely no idea, if I was even going to live for another 5 years so there was no need to get on with planning an actual future.  I remember feeling these things, but never out of control.

Throughout last year, I woke up every morning and just went through the motions. I always made it to the other end of the day, where I would be crawling into bed only to repeat the process the next day and the day after that and.... the day after that..... and so on and so forth.  I cried a few times last year sure, but I also laughed a few times too.  But really, all I was doing was existing.  I was just living the life that was I dealt each day and although there were times I was totally frustrated with it all, I didn't do anything about changing it.  Why would I, because I was in total control wasn't I? Control, of course I was in control......., but here's the thing;  What I was in control of, was being completely out of control and that was me controlling everything?  Now in hindsight that is funny!!!!

How did I not see that I my control wasn't working and that it was only leading me to an inevitable downward spiral that maybe this time, I wasn't going to have the energy to fight my way out of again? Funny, as out of my control as everything was and even though I knew it secretly, I did know that I was living in a state of denial.  It's a great place to live, it is a place I know we all visit more often than we care to admit.

A visit to the doctor was the trigger to snapping me out of my beautiful (pfft), warm and fuzzy state of controlled denial.  I want it to be known.... the doctor didn't give me a cure, but what he did do, was give me a warning that then had me taking notice of and acknowledging, that only I could make the changes needed to stop myself from dying an early death.  Yes, things are that serious.

With the doctors prognosis ringing in my ears, there was a part of me that wanted, for a split second in time, to give in.  To say, to hell with this, this is my lot in life, this is the way it's going to end so lets just have fun doing it because I am too tired to fight for my life anymore.

Then I thought about everything and everyone that I know that has been through things 1 million times worse than I have, and they are still living, still fighting, still make their life matter.  Here I was, ready to wallow in the self pity that had become my default.  Thankfully though, in that flash of life, I had a very very dear Beastie friend of mine's voice inside my head, saying "don't do it.  This may be the hand that you have been dealt, but you have the option of fighting, so fight god dammit, you are worth it". Actually there were a couple of very beautiful people's words ringing in my ears at the exact moment giving up flashed into my minds eye.  If I thought it were okay with them, I would name everyone of them.... Anyway, moving on now.

Everyday was a struggle for me.  Getting out of bed, if I managed to get into it in the first place, hurt like hell.  My joints were always aching, my head was always cloudy, my body almost collapsing. My moods were swing further than Tarzan going from tree to tree from one side of the jungle to the other and I definitely wasn't prepared to listen to anyone tell me anything that they thought I should be doing to save myself.  Even tying my own shoe laces was almost impossible, slip on shoes, or a long handled shoe horn became my best friends.  My feet would swell to the point of pain and I also thought at one stage that they would burst they felt so tight and full of fluid.

Living within my own skin was painful, everything I did was painful.  Walking, sitting, talking, thinking, even wiping my own ass was painful.  So, why on this earth, would I even consider becoming more active, when even sitting on a chair was too exhausting to contemplate.  I was ready to live out the short time I had left this way... right!  WTF, if I kept going the way I was, people wouldn't be able to carry my coffin from it being too heavy to lift.  "Get a grip Janeen and help yourself!!!!" That was what the voices from within were screaming at me.

I decided to listen to the good voices, because I just knew that I didn't want to live the end of my life in the same state or in a state of decline. I didn't want to die before I had the chance to live. But how do I start, what do I do??  I rang one of my sisters and asked her for help.

In the days that followed, I was given information that I was so anxious to hear.  I was guided, led and even shoved into a new state of being that I thought would be really really hard to maintain. Months down the track I know that maintaining this is way of life is a no brainer.

I thought one moment I was going to die, the next I knew I was going to live.  Thankfully my sister was in Melbourne the next week and I was able to spend time in her presence, once again thanking the universe for affording me the opportunity to be given someone like her in my life, someone that took the time to listen, to help, to guide and to encourage but more important to me, didn't judge me for being the way I was but did everything she could to arm me with the tools, to become the person I want to be.

After going through my cupboard with my sister leading the way, I threw out what I thought were the good foods and replaced them with the whole foods.  I stopped buying the quick easy options and started eating non processed foods.  I purchased sugar free cookbooks and replaced my cupboard content with all all the good foods I could find and I even took the time to read the books devouring the information because my life depended on it.

In the first week of being sugar free, I literally felt the fog clear and lift away from my body.  All of a sudden I had energy to stand up for more time than it took me to walk from the chair to the toilet, or bedroom and as the days went by, I found that I was too restless to sit down and watch television; I went for a walk instead.  Did the exercise hurt, omg yes, but I actually felt the good pain, the pain from USING my muscles instead of the aches from the burden my body was putting on my joints.

The weight has started to fade away, which is amazing in itself.  Although the weight loss has slowed, it is that it is still going down. But I am not discouraged by that because my body may be a little confused and not quite know what it is doing, but is stronger than my mind consciously thinks it is and both my mind and body are capable of doing a lot more.  My body is capable of repairing itself and is in the process of doing just that.  I know I have a long journey as far as my weight is concerned, but at least I now feel the energy waiting to be released.  I am walking, I am standing, I am doing the dishes because I am not too tired anymore.

I have cleaned out my fridge and my cupboards and have been down my my hands and knees to clean a patch in the carpet that has been frustrating me for months now.  I can bend down and tie my own shoelaces and even scratch my own back and lift my foot to rest it on my knee as I pull on a sock. These are small things in everyday life, that I have realized I haven't been able to do for awhile.  It is only because I can do them now that I remember I couldn't do them before. And it is the little things that we do everyday, things that I couldn't do before, that make this all worth it.  The best thing though, is that my man can even give me a hug and clasp his hands behind my back. That full body hug, well that is just is the greatest feeling of all.

I can and will do this.  Even if the doctor's prediction comes to fruition and my time is limited, at least I know that I will go out as the best version myself has known in an awful long time and that. I am doing everything I can to prove the doctor wrong.

I promise, I will continue to do everything I can to stop the ticking clock from ticking faster than I want it too.

© Janeen Hayes