I Looked in the Mirror and Decided to Stay

"I looked in the mirror and decided to stay."


This song was recently sung at the 2015 Grammy's by Katy directly after a poem read by someone who proclaimed that she was a survivor of domestic abuse.  So I guess the message of this song on the night was supposed to be directed to domestic violence.  I do not, for one second want to take anything away from that message.

But.... the lyrics of the song took me in a totally different direction, mainly due to the to line "I looked in the mirror and decided to stay" from the chorus, and a few other lines in the song as well, put together with what my naturopath recently tasked me to do at least three times a day.  I stopped and considered those words.

Have you ever stood in front of the mirror and really looked at yourself.  I am not talking about what is on the surface, the lines that may be around your eyes, or the slight smile lines around your mouth, the dry patch of skin on your chin or even the grey that may be creeping into the roots of your hair. I am talking about really looking into your own eyes and seeing your own truth.

Sometimes, looking deeply into oneself can be a very scary and hurtful singular journey, filled with memories of moments of pain, or wishes of times past that could be relived with an outcome that is different.  Sometimes it can be a moment of laughter and serenity, peace and pleasure that is remembered.  Our eyes have recorded every millisecond of every moment they were open, and our minds recorded the times when we were awake but our eyes were closed.  Buried in those recordings, our memories, are moments of acceptance, of childhood fun and times of pure joy.  It isn't just recordings of the moments we struggled, or filled our own minds with our own stories of neglect or non acceptance.

If it is true that we have recorded every millisecond of our lives, I wondered as I looked into my own eyes, why is it that all I could see at one time was the bad things.  Why couldn't I see the times I made someone laugh, or laughed myself.  Why couldn't I see that I have people out there that want to spend time with me? Why couldn't I see that the life I have lived, the moments I have failed and triumphed have created the person I have become as an adult.

In my eyes there are recordings of some amazing times, some times of total bliss, total harmony, special moments, naughty moments, shocking times (but not because they were bad).  Eye opening moments, and moments of pure, sublimity.  There have been happy memories of sad times and sad memories of happy times.  If I stop and look into the eyes of me, there is so much that is good and so much of it is more good than bad.

After spending an unusual time in front of the mirror I am starting to see something other than the scared getting older adult that I had grown to become.  For example. I am starting to put myself out there now.  I am not hiding behind a nondescript avatar that is meaningless and common.  I am starting to voice my thoughts, and sure some people are going to scoff at them, but some people out there can relate to them, or least pretend too.. But what I have realized by looking into the eyes of me, is that I am not all that bad, and there is more good in me than I first thought when I first started looking in the mirror and talking to myself.

I was tasked by my naturopath to look into the mirror and find myself.  Find the me that likes herself and find the me that is sorry for neglecting the good side of me that needed "someone" (in other words me) to hear it.  I have pushed the good part of me that I didn't think it fit into the world of society down for so long, I ignored the signs my body was giving me because I just didn't feel worth it.

That was before, "I looked in the mirror and decided to stay!"