Self Sabotage and Pizza

This is what happens when I eat Pizza.  And I KNOW this.  So why do I do this to myself, knowingly?

I’m holding on for dear life

There’s nothing I can do

Rocking back and forth whispering STOP

It’s ok, this is something I’ll get through

The pain is ripping me in half

I am blinded by it and feeling sick

The only thing I know how to do

Is just rock back and forth as I sit

My legs are weak, thank god I’m sitting

And sweat breaks out on my brow

I feel myself being torn in two

I just have to get through this some how

There is nothing I can do at all,

The pain is so intense I want to be sick

I need to grab hold of something

The darkness is coming too quick

A spasm hits me, God it’s intense

Breathe in, breathe out, just breathe

It’s like I could forget about breathing and

Blacking out would be such a relief

But I have to stay here and endure

It will be over soon, of this I am positive

Relief comes closer as time passes

And my body has nothing left to give

I lay back down, I think it’s over

But the pain niggles as I try to sleep

Within a few minutes, the flood of pain is back

So intense, I can do nothing but weep

I ride the wave, I crash back down

I pray for the moment the pain fades away

I rock back and forth whispering STOP

The pain, the agony, I just don’t want to play

Another wave, another spasm

I am lost as to where I can go from here

I just continue my rocking back and forth

Knowing that soon I’ll have nothing to fear

I don’t know how long this will last

Time between each wave is lengthening now

So maybe I will go and lie down

And try as hard as I can, to sleep somehow

©Janeen Hayes 2015

I Looked in the Mirror and Decided to Stay

"I looked in the mirror and decided to stay."


This song was recently sung at the 2015 Grammy's by Katy directly after a poem read by someone who proclaimed that she was a survivor of domestic abuse.  So I guess the message of this song on the night was supposed to be directed to domestic violence.  I do not, for one second want to take anything away from that message.

But.... the lyrics of the song took me in a totally different direction, mainly due to the to line "I looked in the mirror and decided to stay" from the chorus, and a few other lines in the song as well, put together with what my naturopath recently tasked me to do at least three times a day.  I stopped and considered those words.

Have you ever stood in front of the mirror and really looked at yourself.  I am not talking about what is on the surface, the lines that may be around your eyes, or the slight smile lines around your mouth, the dry patch of skin on your chin or even the grey that may be creeping into the roots of your hair. I am talking about really looking into your own eyes and seeing your own truth.

Sometimes, looking deeply into oneself can be a very scary and hurtful singular journey, filled with memories of moments of pain, or wishes of times past that could be relived with an outcome that is different.  Sometimes it can be a moment of laughter and serenity, peace and pleasure that is remembered.  Our eyes have recorded every millisecond of every moment they were open, and our minds recorded the times when we were awake but our eyes were closed.  Buried in those recordings, our memories, are moments of acceptance, of childhood fun and times of pure joy.  It isn't just recordings of the moments we struggled, or filled our own minds with our own stories of neglect or non acceptance.

If it is true that we have recorded every millisecond of our lives, I wondered as I looked into my own eyes, why is it that all I could see at one time was the bad things.  Why couldn't I see the times I made someone laugh, or laughed myself.  Why couldn't I see that I have people out there that want to spend time with me? Why couldn't I see that the life I have lived, the moments I have failed and triumphed have created the person I have become as an adult.

In my eyes there are recordings of some amazing times, some times of total bliss, total harmony, special moments, naughty moments, shocking times (but not because they were bad).  Eye opening moments, and moments of pure, sublimity.  There have been happy memories of sad times and sad memories of happy times.  If I stop and look into the eyes of me, there is so much that is good and so much of it is more good than bad.

After spending an unusual time in front of the mirror I am starting to see something other than the scared getting older adult that I had grown to become.  For example. I am starting to put myself out there now.  I am not hiding behind a nondescript avatar that is meaningless and common.  I am starting to voice my thoughts, and sure some people are going to scoff at them, but some people out there can relate to them, or least pretend too.. But what I have realized by looking into the eyes of me, is that I am not all that bad, and there is more good in me than I first thought when I first started looking in the mirror and talking to myself.

I was tasked by my naturopath to look into the mirror and find myself.  Find the me that likes herself and find the me that is sorry for neglecting the good side of me that needed "someone" (in other words me) to hear it.  I have pushed the good part of me that I didn't think it fit into the world of society down for so long, I ignored the signs my body was giving me because I just didn't feel worth it.

That was before, "I looked in the mirror and decided to stay!"

Hypocrisy or Human Nature

I have been watching a television program on and off recently about a young girl who had developed cancer and is now in remission.  I am not going to delve into the television plot or mention the show per se' as I don't want to get bogged down with making sure my credits go to the right people, television station etc etc,  I have no issue crediting other sources, and if this blog was about the show I would make sure it was credited correctly, but this isn't about the show at all, it is just about one particular interaction and two lines in the show that resonated within me.  I am not going to use the character names or the title of the show but I will share the lines as I remember them, (they may not be direct quotes)

Star: "I'm sorry if my having Cancer is an inconvenience to you!" 

Sidekick: "Yeah, well, it is!"

And this got me to thinking a lot about how I interact with people and how people interact with me concerning my weight and any other health issues.  We all know that I am trying my best to become healthy and shed some weight by following the advice of my Naturopath, who gets her information from my body by telling her what it needs though blood and other tests etc. For the record, and let me be very clear now, I have always known that there was more to my weight than my eating or exercise regime, and I have constantly over the years, sought the answer to my health issues and I proactively research and attempt everything I can to find the answer.

So what I don't understand is this, if someone is suffering from an ailment, a debilitating one, why are they not spending every possible moment trying to find a way to relieve symptoms or find answers as to what causes the symptoms or what brings on an attack.  Is it environmental, is it dietary, is it physical, is it psychological, is it........ what is it that causes this much pain that it stops you in your tracks and prevents you from living a normal, fulfilled life and oh my god, why, are you not actively doing anything about it?

I ask this question, because I am sick and tired of hearing from someone about what is always wrong in their life.  I really want to scream at them GET SOME HELP for gods sake.  How can you be happy living your life like this.  But then on the next hand, I need someone to talk to about what is going on with me too.  I need to say to someone, I am having a bad day today and I am really feeling down.  This thought process begs me to ask the question of myself, am I a hypocrite, or is it human nature that has me wanting to share, but not want to be there for someone who complains all the time.
Interesting question about myself I thought.  What really resonated with me about this particular interaction was that I would hate to think that I was an inconvenience to anyone.  If I am, I am so sorry.  And it is "light globe" (thanks Oprah Winfrey for that quote) moments like this, that have me even more determined to beat this weight and to fight my own body about what it wants to do and make sure it does what it should.

Thanks "Chasing Life" you have inspired me to do, just that.  Chase MY Life

Now I am off to do a work out on my Pilate Air Machine - which I absolutely love!!!!!