OK So Here Goes
Well, I am not particularly funny, I am definitely not famous, and I don't really know how to write properly, but I do love to write. I don't know who, if anyone would ever read this, but I thought to myself, "Self, you have to do something that will help you navigate your way through the journey you have chosen to travel along over the next couple of years".I am 46 years old and weigh far too much for someone my height and my age. I have always known that I was slowing killing myself with my weight, but I have also always known, that my weight isn't food related. Now, I have finally found the cause of my problems I can finally do something positive about finding the new me. But then I realised, I don't want to find a new me, I just want to find the old one.
Somewhere along the way to today, I forgot to bring the old me with me and I left her behind, feeling sad, angry, neglected, unwanted, unloved and abandoned. And for all the wrong reasons. So I am going to go back and find her. I am going to stare into a mirror and come what may, I am going to look hard into the eyes of the shell of a human I have become and say "I'm sorry" to my 17 year old self? Why 17 you may ask, well because that is the age that I remember feeling absolutely amazing, young, vibrant, and carefree from the woes of adulthood.
This blog is going to be a little bit all over the place, because that is where I am, I would love to be structured and organised and in control, but it truth, I am not this person at all. I am a little bit random and sometimes just flat out strange, but.,,.. hopefully I will always find myself back to where I should be. You know that moment when you realise you are about to acknowledge something that is painful so you stop what you are doing and move onto something else? Well, it is those moments that I will be come random and change the subject and it's because there is something under the surface that I am about to acknowledge that I know is going to hurt. I will run, for a little while at least, and just change the subject.
I know myself pretty well. The upside of this is that I am totally aware of what I am doing, the down side of this is that I am totally aware of what I am doing. I know when I am lying to myself and I know when I am not being true to myself or the people around me (thank God, they don't). And I don't mean I'm lying to them about anything important to them, just about what I am feeling or what I am thinking about myself and myself only.
Anyway, I digress, so.... back to what I was saying, ah yes, my weight!!!. Well the purpose of this blog is to help myself through my journey, make me accountable to something other than the voice in my head that says it's okay if I don't work out today, it's okay if I don't do all the things I know I should be doing and it's okay, I can start again tomorrow. Which it is ok, and I can start again tomorrow but that isn't what I should be doing today. So, no more excuses, no more "I'll start again tomorrows" no more, "this will be my last one, I promise". Today, I start fresh and allow no more excuses as to why I can't save myself. Today I become accountable to you.
I will fall from my wagon, I know I will, but I also know, now that I am not alone (even if I make believe someone is reading this) that I have to stop lying and making excuses and start taking the action needed to start saving my life. Today is the day.
Good girl! The writer in you will find that path to put on paper where you want to go. I am a little bit older than you and still finding crossroads and never feel settled..but do we want to? I am looking forward to you 'ramblings'.. kiss from afar x
ReplyDeleteYou can do it girlfriend! Maybe it will make it easier to be accountable to your blog followers as we travel this journey with you. Love you, Janet
ReplyDeleteThe very best of luck and good wishes to you in your endeavours! I feel that if I could be bothered writing it, our stories would mirror each other. The bit about sabotaging your good work is something I struggle with every minute. NO i am not going to eat those chips but it niggles and I eat other things to take my mind off it and think I was probably better off having a few chips! Perhaps we can prop each other up when we feel weak! I have finally convinced my doctor that I need thyroxine and I feel like it is kicking in but it has only been a week. I am hoping that It will allow me to lose weight if I eat well and get more exercise. Intoo don't eat as much as many I know but I do have a sweet tooth and like the odd salty thing too. I look forward to wearing a pretty dress and having feet that don't hurt!
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