Australia Day

Australia Day - a day of celebration of all things Australian... to some.  Me, it's a day off from work, A day I get to do something other than get up at 5.30 am, have a shower, get dressed, wake hubby up, try to do the right thing by my skin and put moisturizer, eye cream etc etc on, go to work, work all day in a job I don't mind, but I don't love, come home watch TV, write something, go to bed, only to do it all again the next day.  This is my chance to do something different.

Why then did I find myself doing the same thing again today that I do everyday?  A plate of food was placed in front of me.  Not for me, just in front of me. And I knew that the biscuits with sun-dried tomato dip wasn't on my list of "OK" foods, but I sneak just one, which becomes two, which becomes OMG the plate is empty.  It is as if the auto pilot is functioning today.  I realize that I did just eat something that I shouldn't have, (I didn't really have that many, but 1 serve of something that isn't on my "OK" foods list is 1 too many) so it was time to acknowledge that I had done it and move on to the rest of the day.  I have to remember not to beat myself up and use negative self-talk with myself, because that only makes things worse....downward spiral to depression and all that stuff....so I acknowledged the err of my ways vowing that I would be good the rest of the day.  And I was good, I ate my protein with some plain, undressed salad an egg and lots of water.

Yeah me, battle of the survivor -v- victim, 1-nil today and I am doing well.  

A couple of hours later I decided it was time to get a drink.  I had been outside all day, and the throat was screaming for hydration, so I duck inside to grab and drink and on my way to the kitchen...I remembered that I had left a couple of premix alcoholic drinks the last time I had visited so I found them, drank them both until I realized again, Alcohol is not on my "OK" foods list.  Did I tell you I am really starting to dislike my "OK" foods list.  

I don't want to be the person that has to be careful about what is put in my mouth.  I don't want to be the person that has problem's walking because her legs have swollen to massive proportions due to the heat and the excess fluid her body is retaining and I don't want to be the person who is feeling like there is no answer to the problems that I am having trying to loose weight.  And to make matters worse, I am not only carrying my own weight, I am also carrying the weight of all those women out there that are struggling with the same problem... The problem of loosing weight, the problem of feeling like I am being judged by every person I meet.  I don't want to be the person sitting in the corner of the room too scared to speak to people in fear of my reading judgement, disgust and pity in their eyes,

I don't want to be the person always looking for excuses as to why I can't go to the movies, or fly interstate for work because I am too scared of sitting next to the judgement of strangers.,  I know when they see me coming I can almost hear the "please don't sit next to me, please don't sit next to me, please don't sit next to me...." prayers silently being whispered as I approach.

I don't like being like this, I don't like being the fat old lady that lives down the street,  So why am I sabotaging myself, at every turn, why am I feeding the wrong side of me, why aren't I nourishing the good side instead of feverishly gorging for the bad things?  Surely I am not the victim I sound like on this page, no surely Not!!!!