Going Public and Vitamin D

Now that I have put myself out there,. I mean, really out there, there is no turning back.

I didn't know if I was really going to blog my journey publicly or if I was just using the site to write down my thoughts, but.... since I have now made it official (I mean I tweeted it and put it as a FB status so that makes it totes official :) ) I can't just make it up as I go along.

I am going to do most of my blogging with the names of my loved ones changed because there will be times when what I write is going to be very personal and even though I can differentiate between something that is about me and not that of the people I may mention, I am aware, that some may take things personally and be offended that I have used their names.  So I won't out of respect for them.

I do have to say that it is humbling, within minutes of going public I watched the views increase. Surely there aren't that many people reading it, just clicking on the page for a moment maybe, but I think even if one or two people read it, that is just awesome, so thank you :)

So today is Sunday for me.  I woke up at 3am not able to sleep and thought I would jump online and do a jigsaw puzzle or two, but the link to "Blogger" just stared at me screaming at me to do something constructive, do something that wasn't mind numbing and hence, here I am.

So to continue with theme of my journey, I will be honest, things have been pretty normal.  I have been sticking to my "Good Food" list, I have gone for a walk or three, I have worked out on my Pilates air machine, and stood on the scales.  Honestly I could cry, but I won't.

Did I tell you I am doing all of this with the help of a naturopath?  Her name is Bronwyn (real name in case anyone wants a referral).  She sat with me for nearly 2 hours and explained what all the recent tests results meant, not just individually, but what they meant together, what it meant in relation to each other.  So my thyroid resting temp is below 36c degrees - who new this indicated a slow thyroid and that my glucose levels and liver function and kidney function and estrogen levels and every other tested part of my body levels and function were all low.

I had these aches in my legs all the time and thought, nah, I'm too young for a hip or knee replacement, so I kept putting off going to the doctor about it and I never mentioned to them when asking for blood work either (I didn't want to go down that road, it was just too scary).  But as it turns out, I have a Vitamin D level of 25, the average is 70+.  Finding out about this had my brilliant naturopath on the phone to me saying "Janeen, you need to get down here and start taking Vitamin D tablets.  I have some here or you can get them me from chemist warehouse, but I want you to start taking 3 tablets a day for a month, we can talk more when come for your monthly visit next week, but please don't wait until next week to collect the tablets"

I got the tablets from Bronwyn and started taking three a day. Within 2 to 3 days I noticed that the aches in my legs had lessened and that I was now able to wake up in less pain than I was used too. "Who'da thunk it?" A simple Vitamin D tablet would be the answer to this constant ache I was having for the past couple of years - yes years.

I finished the bottle of Vitamin D a couple of weeks later but didn't refill my tablets, because, well you know, I knew better than the naturopath and I didn't need those Vitamin D tablets anymore. The pain in my legs had gone.  Boy was I wrong.  Within 2 days of not taking the tablets, the ache in my legs returned.  When I spoke to Bronwyn about it she explained to me that as I was so low in my levels, save for my sitting in the sun for every hour it shone for 6 months I would probably need to take at the 3 tablets of concentrate Vitamin D for at least 2 months before I could be considered at a "within range" and decrease the dosage to 1 concentrate tablet per day.  Bronwyn also went on to explain that I would probably need to keep taking if I continued to work in an office job as my exposure to Vitamin D is so minimal.

I am now a Vitamin D convert.  And my aches and pains are bearable now, for the most part :)

Australia Day

Australia Day - a day of celebration of all things Australian... to some.  Me, it's a day off from work, A day I get to do something other than get up at 5.30 am, have a shower, get dressed, wake hubby up, try to do the right thing by my skin and put moisturizer, eye cream etc etc on, go to work, work all day in a job I don't mind, but I don't love, come home watch TV, write something, go to bed, only to do it all again the next day.  This is my chance to do something different.

Why then did I find myself doing the same thing again today that I do everyday?  A plate of food was placed in front of me.  Not for me, just in front of me. And I knew that the biscuits with sun-dried tomato dip wasn't on my list of "OK" foods, but I sneak just one, which becomes two, which becomes OMG the plate is empty.  It is as if the auto pilot is functioning today.  I realize that I did just eat something that I shouldn't have, (I didn't really have that many, but 1 serve of something that isn't on my "OK" foods list is 1 too many) so it was time to acknowledge that I had done it and move on to the rest of the day.  I have to remember not to beat myself up and use negative self-talk with myself, because that only makes things worse....downward spiral to depression and all that stuff....so I acknowledged the err of my ways vowing that I would be good the rest of the day.  And I was good, I ate my protein with some plain, undressed salad an egg and lots of water.

Yeah me, battle of the survivor -v- victim, 1-nil today and I am doing well.  

A couple of hours later I decided it was time to get a drink.  I had been outside all day, and the throat was screaming for hydration, so I duck inside to grab and drink and on my way to the kitchen...I remembered that I had left a couple of premix alcoholic drinks the last time I had visited so I found them, drank them both until I realized again, Alcohol is not on my "OK" foods list.  Did I tell you I am really starting to dislike my "OK" foods list.  

I don't want to be the person that has to be careful about what is put in my mouth.  I don't want to be the person that has problem's walking because her legs have swollen to massive proportions due to the heat and the excess fluid her body is retaining and I don't want to be the person who is feeling like there is no answer to the problems that I am having trying to loose weight.  And to make matters worse, I am not only carrying my own weight, I am also carrying the weight of all those women out there that are struggling with the same problem... The problem of loosing weight, the problem of feeling like I am being judged by every person I meet.  I don't want to be the person sitting in the corner of the room too scared to speak to people in fear of my reading judgement, disgust and pity in their eyes,

I don't want to be the person always looking for excuses as to why I can't go to the movies, or fly interstate for work because I am too scared of sitting next to the judgement of strangers.,  I know when they see me coming I can almost hear the "please don't sit next to me, please don't sit next to me, please don't sit next to me...." prayers silently being whispered as I approach.

I don't like being like this, I don't like being the fat old lady that lives down the street,  So why am I sabotaging myself, at every turn, why am I feeding the wrong side of me, why aren't I nourishing the good side instead of feverishly gorging for the bad things?  Surely I am not the victim I sound like on this page, no surely Not!!!!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

I Choose Life

OK So Here Goes

Well, I am not particularly funny, I am definitely not famous, and I don't really know how to write properly, but I do love to write.  I don't know who, if anyone would ever read this, but I thought to myself, "Self, you have to do something that will help you navigate your way through the journey you have chosen to travel along over the next couple of years".

I am 46 years old and weigh far too much for someone my height and my age.  I have always known that I was slowing killing myself with my weight, but I have also always known, that my weight isn't food related.  Now, I have finally found the cause of my problems I can finally do something positive about finding the new me.  But then I realised, I don't want to find a new me, I just want to find the old one.

Somewhere along the way to today, I forgot to bring the old me with me and I left her behind, feeling sad, angry, neglected, unwanted, unloved and abandoned.  And for all the wrong reasons.  So I am going to go back and find her.  I am going to stare into a mirror and come what may, I am going to look hard into the eyes of the shell of a human I have become and say "I'm sorry" to my 17 year old self?  Why 17 you may ask, well because that is the age that I remember feeling absolutely amazing, young, vibrant, and carefree from the woes of adulthood.

This blog is going to be a little bit all over the place, because that is where I am,  I would love to be structured and organised and in control, but it truth, I am not this person at all.  I am a little bit random and sometimes just flat out strange, but.,,.. hopefully I will always find myself back to where I should be.  You know that moment when you realise you are about to acknowledge something that is painful so you stop what you are doing and move onto something else? Well, it is those moments that I will be come random and change the subject and it's because there is something under the surface that I am about to acknowledge that I know is going to hurt. I will run, for a little while at least, and just change the subject.

I know myself pretty well.  The upside of this is that I am totally aware of what I am doing, the down side of this is that I am totally aware of what I am doing. I know when I am lying to myself and I know when I am not being true to myself or the people around me (thank God, they don't).  And I don't mean I'm lying to them about anything important to them, just about what I am feeling or what I am thinking about myself and myself only.

Anyway, I digress, so.... back to what I was saying, ah yes, my weight!!!.  Well the purpose of this blog is to help myself through my journey, make me accountable to something other than the voice in my head that says it's okay if I don't work out today, it's okay if I don't do all the things I know I should be doing and it's okay, I can start again tomorrow.  Which it is ok, and I can start again tomorrow but that isn't what I should be doing today.  So, no more excuses, no more "I'll start again tomorrows" no more, "this will be my last one, I promise".  Today, I start fresh and allow no more excuses as to why I can't save myself. Today I become accountable to you.

I will fall from my wagon, I know I will, but I also know, now that I am not alone (even if I make believe someone is reading this) that I have to stop lying and making excuses and start taking the action needed to start saving my life.  Today is the day.