I have taken sleeping tablets that are supposed to afford me 4 hours sleep and wake up after 2, I have tried the remedies like hot milk, counting sheep, lying in bed and just resting (some would call it meditating), going for a walk or three to tire myself out, herbal remedies, acupuncture and hypnosis. Yet, I still I find myself each night, wide awake, tossing and turning, kicking the blankets off then pulling them back on again and eventually getting so frustrated that I get up and move myself the computer, then later to the recliner (or back to bed) where I usually fall asleep about an hour before my alarm gently wakes me at 5.30am.
I have things on my mind and happening around me sure, but I swear there is nothing that I can contribute to being so earth shattering that it would keep me awake. I have a job that I don't mind at all really, but it isn't a brain strain. It keeps me busy and I love that, but I can leave at the end of the day and not think about it until my alarms goes off in the morning. I have all the things in my life that wouldn't usually cause concern to people, so it isn't that that keeps me awake. I have people who need to be cared for but now, not to the point where I have to worry about them during the night, so it isn't that keeps me awake.
It is in the early hours of the morning that I feel my mind is telling me a thousand things it wants to say, some of making sense and some of it are purely the ramblings of a tired and frustrated brain that isn't frustrated from not being able to sleep. Mostly what I am saying is the same ole same ole and usually whatever comes out is deleted before it sees the light of day. Sometimes, I find I am actually putting sentences together that I don't mind sharing with the world. Sometimes I just think I am going bat shit crazy.
Usually when I am typing away at 2.30 in the morning, I have the gentle snores of both my man and my dog in the background, the whirring of the fan about my head (it's summer here) and the sounds of the night that I listen to. I really love this time of night because even though the volume of the night can be loud sometimes, it is still the most peaceful time for me. Is it weird to say that I feel regenerated by these early morning ramblings sometimes? Even when I am not saying anything at all, I feel like by not saying it, I am saying something and that helps to clear my brain.
Later when I read over the thoughts I have written in the early hours of the morning, I am surprised that I sometimes make sense. Other times, like the paragraph before this one, makes no sense at all. Rather than delete the paragraph though, I am leaving here in this ramble about nothing, as an insight to what happens when I write things down in the early hours of the morning.
Since I started this blog though, things in my life have changed dramatically. It surprises me the things we can endure as humans, that life comes and goes and goes on after another life has ended. Strange that when a person passes, we still want to linger in their memory, keep them with us until we cry. Why do we do that?
As I have no idea where this was leading or what I was trying to say, it has been after all, some seven or so weeks since I started it and therefore, I don't remember what it was that I was going to say. So I am leaving it here, totally random both in words and thoughts.
Maybe soon, I will actually write something worth sharing.
© Janeen Hayes 2017
you probably like to be awake late at night because it is so peaceful and you can focus on what you want more. p.s. if you are writing from the heart then you are writing things that are important.
ReplyDelete