Reflecting on the events of this year isn’t easy, but… in
order for me to move forward, reflecting on what has passed is what I need to do. I need to find the lessons that I was, or need to learn through it all.
There have been times when I felt that I was doing okay
and there were others when I thought that if I had to take one more breath that
I would collapse because my lungs had forgotten how to work.
I have cried several bucket loads of tears in sorrow but
also laughed until I have held my stomach and cried. I have talked into the winds until my voice
has echoed back into my own ears. I have
smiled until I thought my face would crack and I have felt nothing, absolutely
nothing. I have reached highs as big as mountains
and found energy that I haven’t felt in over 20 years but there have been
times, when even sitting down was too exhausting to think about.
I have wondered at the reason for life and the meaning of
it all and I have told myself that I just don’t matter in the grand scheme of
things. However, I have learned
that I am loved and that some people do value me and I have also learned that those
I thought were a friend, were a far worse an enemy than they ever were, a friend.
I have had friends that have betrayed their loved ones and their loved ones who have betrayed my friends. I have held onto both
a cherished dog and my cat, my life partner of animal kind of 15 years, as they
traveled their way over the pet rainbow to wait for me to join them, no matter how long it takes me to get there. I have danced in the laundry as I ironed
wrinkled cloths and sworn at the dryer when it has chimed that the cycle is
finished. I have hauled 1000’s of
kilograms of groceries from the car to the kitchen and I have walked up and
down the hallway of my house more times that I have walked out the back door.
I have driven the car around the block in anger as well
as around the block until my favorite song on the radio finished. I have cursed the golf club that my partner
plays at because he is always there but I have thanked it in return for taking
him away on the weekends when I needed the space. I have been a mass of contradictions from one
minute to another but there is nothing that can be done to change that now.
The one thing I have never been, throughout everything
this year, is a liar to thy self. I have
always known that I wasn’t feeling what I should or acting as I was supposed to
and I have always known that I wanted more from this life than the life I am
currently living. I have always known
that the only person that can make life happen to me is me, and I have always
known that I am the only one that can stop myself from achieving my goals as
much as I am the only one that can achieve them.
So why am I writing this mass of confusion blog? Well, because I am confused. I am a woman in her late 40’s still trying to
work out what I am supposed to be doing here and what is the purpose of my life. I guess deep down I know that everything is
okay. I am more together than some but have
more stuffing falling out of the seams that I haven’t quite stitched closed yet
than others, but, that’s okay. I, am
okay. I might not feel much at the moment
and I may be walking around with buckets filled with water rather than eye
sockets, but I’m allowed to be sad, and I am allowed to feel nothing.
© Janeen Hayes 2015
