Saying Goodbye

Let me premise this by saying, this one is just for me.  It is sad and it may be morbid, but I just had to get it out.  So, if  you don't want to read any further, I totally understand.  But if you do.... Thanks

I am sitting at my computer

With headphones over my ears,

But even though the music is playing

There is really no sound I hear.

I am not really listening to the tunes,

And I can’t really hear any words

Because I’m not really hearing the music

Don’t worry, I know this sounds absurd

Have you ever been in a time and place

But felt totally disconnected

Seen an event before your eyes

But if asked to, you couldn’t recollect it

Have you ever travelled from here to there

And wondered how you got there later

Because you don’t remember the way you went

The traffic or even the journey for that matter

Have you ever looked back over the week

And thought to yourself, OMG how time has past

But thought how it seemed that only yesterday

You were thinking, can the weekend get here fast

Have you ever wondered why your tears are silent

But that silence can speak a thousand words

And how a bubble can float into the air

Unless someone pops it first

Have you ever thought how on earth can I go on

And then something unexpected opens your mind

It’s like you wake up from a conscious coma

But things are so bright you’re almost blind

Have you ever lived in a world of denial

Said to someone, I’m fine, when you’re really not

And told someone, don’t worry about me

But realised later, you’re a lying twat?

Have you ever wanted to talk about something

But you’re scared of sounding like a broken record

Constantly getting stuck on that one track

Not able to move forward?

Have you ever been lost for words

But not able to remain quiet

Have you ever sat in a room that is silent

But all you hear is a riot.

I have

These are all the things that happen

When my mind just won’t shut down

It’s when my voice inside my own head

Just keeps talking round and round

And it’s when my mind does these things

Keeps thinking of all that needs to be done

Of all the things I need to say

To that very special someone

His time is coming soon now, it’s so close

I will get my chance, my moment in time

I will say to him, Dad I love you

And thanks for being mine.

Thanks for making me laugh, and cry

Thanks for being my pillar of strength

But it’s ok to shut your eyes now

You don’t need to go extraordinary lengths

You can rest, you can be at peace

You can leave this place of pain

And you can be with your loved ones

Wrapped in their loving arms again.

Heaven is calling you Angel, My father

I love you and forever will

But I don’t want you to hang on anymore

I don’t want you to be so ill

Go now Dad, don’t fight anymore,

And know, we know you didn’t give up

Sometimes fighting to stay is harder

Because you will leave the ones you love

But we will be fine, don’t worry now

Close your eyes and let your eternal sleep begin

Because watching you suffer as much as you are

Is really doing my head in.

But it’s not that I want you to leave at all

And I am not saying that I want you gone

I just want you to be at peace and pain free Dad

For you, that’s all I want

©Janeen Hayes 2015

Thank God Beauty & The Beast Returns

For those of you who don't know me or my history regarding this television show, you are about to get a pretty insightful glimpse into my psyche that you are either going to roll your eyes at, or fist pump the air and cheer with excitement along with me, or, just simply not understand it at all.

Beauty and The Beast (Batb) is a television show that returned to our TV screens airing back in 2012. It is a re-imagined version that has been brought this tale as old as time into the 21st century kicking some major ass along with it.  This version has four main characters and plenty of other awesome support characters.  The chemistry between the four main leads, Vincent, Catherine, JT and Tess played by Jay Ryan, Kristin Kreuk, Austin Basis and Nina Lisandrello respectively drew me into this show.  Sure Jay Ryan is hot but this man's acting ability is totally underrated, Kristin Kreuk may be stunning but I cry when she cries she is that believable.  Austin Basis is both a great comedic and dramatic actor hands down, but it is also the person he is outside of his work that endears him to me most and Nina Lisandrello, well, she brightens the screen every time she smiles but it is the sarcastic undertones of her character which she plays so well that appeals most to my sense of humour.

The show has everything in it. It is action packed, full of fantasy, full of love and romance.  It has "believable plots" mixed with "you've got to be kidding me" moments, for a television show, (because after all, it is a TV show).

Can I interject here and say that anyone who believes this to be "real" and not reel, really should be booking themselves into sessions with a mental health professional, but that is just my opinion!   Moving on now!!.

My show, Beauty and the Beast returned to air season 3 recently and I was able to watch it the day it aired.  I can't believe how much I have wished time away so that I could sit and watch my favourite all time show.

It is because of this television show that I started writing again.  I used to write poetry as a young teen into my early adulthood but somewhere along the way to becoming an old woman, I lost my writing mojo.  I didn't really think anything about it as I have never been taught how to write a story, or how to write a blog, or how to write a poem and my grammar probably leaves much to be desired at times.....(sorry about that).   I love writing.  It soothes me, it helps me process events and put things into perspective.  It allows me to tell someone how I really feel, or I can dedicate a moment in time to someone special or take readers of my fan fiction into a fantasy land all of my own making, if only for a brief moment.

Beauty and the Beast has introduced me to an amazing world of people, some of whom I have become particularly close too.  My sister, my French Pearl, my daughter, my twinnies, my partner in crime, my sanity, my confidant's, my reminders that there are beautiful people in the world.  It has introduced me to people who overcome adversities every day of their lives, some with physical restrictions some who every day struggle to stay outside of their own heads.  This group of people have given me the courage to put myself out into the world and believe it or not, not really care if I am accepted or laughed at.  These fans of Beauty and the Beast and now people who I am also fans of, are an amazing group of people.  This TV show has opened my world to things like fan art, and fan made video's.  These used to be the bane of my existence prior to my understanding why people make fan made videos and post them on You Tube.

In Australia alone there is a handful of women whom I admire but have never met.  We are kindred spirits that have found a medium on which to communicate.  Our discussion inevitably begins with all things Beauty and the Beast, but we also share each others hopes and dreams, help each other through dark times, through light.  We have, these fellow Aussie women and I, found like minded people all around the world that we can now share our hopes, dreams, flights of fancy or vents of momentary anger.  We can ask each other with incredulous exasperation questions like "what does that person think they are doing.....," or we can sheepishly write "sorry I need to vent but", we can just ask a simple question of "does anyone know any way I can, or how do I, or does anyone know any person who does...".  We are a community of people who although some of us will never meet, all have one thing in common.... Our love for a TV show called Beauty and the Beast.

If you had asked me 3 years ago, would I talk to people all around the world, write erotic fan fiction, have a poetry page, or even if I would actually have my face as my own profile picture, I would have called you out and said you were dreaming.  In saying that, I probably wouldn't have because there is no way I would have had the courage to write this blog in the first place if it weren't for these awesome people.

Thank you Beauty and the Beast, and thank you to everyone out there in BatB land, you know who you are.  To everyone who supports me even if you think I am cray cray crazy at times, it is you that I thank everyday and send angels too every night.  You have my love, my respect, my friendship, my hopes for your amazing future's but most importantly my gratitude.  I wouldn't be here without you.

Bring on BatB season 3 and season 4, Life wouldn't be the same, without you <3 <3 <3 #