Permanent Decisions on Temporary Emotions

I have been grappling with an urge to make permanent changes to my life on and off for a few months now.  But I haven't made any changes yet because I have been struggling to recognise if I really want to make them, or am I just reacting to a temporary emotion born from the struggles of the past few years finding resolution.

I have always lived by the creed, "never make a permanent decision when feeling a temporary emotion" since I learned this lesson some 16 plus years ago.   I wish I had made a different choice back then even though, things have turned out okay now. (which in it self is a lesson)  For a long time though, the decision I made back then had me spiraling into a world of pain, heartache and loss.  It is only when I get the chance to reflect now that I realise some of my greatest lessons were learned then.  I just failed to see them for what they were.

I don't know if I am alone in this thinking but we all know the saying "that we should learn to jump before we can learn to leap" but if you think about the actual process of leaping going backward, before we learn to jump we needed to learn to walk.  Before we walked we had to crawl.  But.... before we crawled, we simply lay on backs and watched the world go by (as limited as it was).  We didn't have any decisions to make, we didn't have to worry about food on a table or a roof over our heads.  We didn't have to worry if the person we share our life with is happy, are we pretty enough, are we old enough, are we too old, too pretty?  We just lay there and stared at what ever it was that our eyes manage to focus on.

Every decision I have made since I was old enough to make them, has brought me to a moment where I can make an educated decision to choose one path or the other, one direction or another, to speak out or to shut up.  What is interesting to me is that... it doesn't matter my decision to turn left or right, side step or walk straight ahead, because the decision I make will be the right one.  Sure there may be repercussions afterwards and some of them won't be pleasant to endure, but at the end of the day, everything will be exactly how it is supposed to be.

Some of us fear speaking out for injustice and would rather dwell in our own bubbles we call our world and not let anything penetrate it.  Some of us feel stifled by the bubble and can't wait to poke holes in it.  What is it that makes someone want to confront everything, shake the world from its foundations and set it spinning in another direction as opposed to the person who just wants to the world to stop to ensure there are no air pockets, ripples or anything touching us that can disturb the fragile skin of the bubble in which we dwell?

Does it really matter which direction I take now and which decision I make if I am feeling fragile? Is speaking out now, the wrong time for me to do so?  I am emotional and questioning whether everything in my life has a purpose to which my ethos is still aligned?  Do I really care that the world around me is turning to shit when for the first time in my life, it appears I have nothing to worry about.

I am lucky.  I am gifted.  I am complete.  I am whole. My life is perfect (definitely subjective of course).  Why then do I feel like I have to have something broken and this need to fix it?  Why is it that I can't seem to accept the first five sentences of this paragraph and that I am looking for something to break.  I have already fixed the problems which is why I am sitting here, lucky, gifted, complete and whole with a perfect life .  What is broken... nothing!  Why do I always feel the need to fix something.  It doesn't have to be me that is broken but it needs to be something. It feels like I am looking to deliberately break the perfect rhythm my life has become and the environment I am living.

So, because my head is all over the place and because I can't seem to decide what to do, I am going to plan for my future and try not to break today.  I will remind myself that I know that it is just a temporary passing phase that may be upsetting my equilibrium and that this, may not even have anything to do with me.  I am surrounded by people who are particularly unhappy at the moment due to events in their lives.  Am I just projecting their emotion and getting all caught up into something completely and totally unrelated?  I could make a change based on their projected emotions and totally wreck everything that is good in my life.

I guess this is why I live by the creed of never making a permanent decision when feeling a temporary emotion.  Advice to myself.... "Take a step back, breathe, look around you, within you and beyond you.  Lay on your back and breathe in the world for while, then try moving to your knees before you stand up.  Once that foundation is rock solid and unwavering, that is when you can start to jump or leap, if that is what you decide to do".

It's always good to change things up a little, but I just try to do it when my mind is in a good place, not a temporary bad one.

© Janeen Hayes June 2017

Moving Out, Moving In, Moving On

I have moved house numerous times over the past 30 years, but none of my moves have been as monumental or significant as this one.

One could say that the past 18 months have been quite a roller coaster ride from having lost my father, both of my in-laws and 2 beloved family pets.  During that time I don't know how many 20 hour days I lived from the time my alarm went off in the morning until I put my head on a pillow, or on the headrest of the recliner chair before I was punching the z's outs or sucking in the unit walls with my snoring.  Undoubtedly, only to wake up 4 hours later at the most (and if I was lucky), before I would be ready to start the day all over again.

The funny thing is, I would do it all over again if it just meant I could turn back the hands of time and get back to a place to call my own.   After inheriting a mortgage free home, it made sense to move out of my rental place and into Steve's family home, right!   The thought of moving out of my unit, the one place I had lived for the past 10 years was so daunting to me, that I procrastinated over and over again.  I would say to myself, "come on Janeen, get up and pack a box". I would say it frequently, "come on Janeen, get up and pack a box" but I never quite could, get up and pack a box.  Realising I was running out of time, I decided to pay someone to come in and pack up and relocate me because I had too much to do at the other end, the house I was moving into.

Procrastination...... it is a wonderful word for someone who is inherently lazy or someone who can't quite cope with the task they are supposed to be doing.  I am both I have come to realise.  It was because I didn't want to face the memories, I didn't want to make decisions on whether to keep a particular memento, I didn't want to acknowledge that I had grown up from the young girl who kept a set of coffee mugs she was given as a birthday present for her 21st.  A set of mugs mind you, that I have never used and actually don't like.  I didn't want to be the adult now who wrapped them up and put them in a box that says "good will".

I didn't want to pick up hair from my cat Mack that had inadvertently found it's way under the door and into the back a cupboard, I didn't want to be reminded that he wasn't with me anymore.  I certainly didn't want to have to pack up the past 10 years of my life, because although it was trying at times, it was definitely the most settled I have ever been in my adult life.  After living the life of a nomad, this unit, this little piece of my heaven in Eltham, was mine.  It had my name on it, I chose it, I moved in there.  This was the first place I could afford to live on my own without any help and the first place I didn't struggle to live from day to day.  I even managed to save money and live beyond next weeks pay cheque. This is the house, where I grew up.  But I was moving out.

Relocating into the new house is bittersweet.  With the most amazing peace on earth backyard where I can literally sit for hours as I listen to nature surround me, is a place that grounds me and makes me feel calm and at peace.  This is a good thing right?  Unfortunately, it is a little more complicated than that.  We are moving into Steve's old family home.  His memories are ingrained in each wall and splinter of the floor.  Everywhere I turn I am faced with a reminder of Steve's childhood.  It is comforting for Steve and he could, understandably, just move in and leave my stuff in storage because everything is so familiar for him.

I wish I wasn't emotionally intelligent, I wish I didn't acknowledge that packing up this house to make room for my stuff, would to him, feel like I was trying to remove his parents from the house.  I am sure, with every piece of linen, every item of clothing, every saucepan or dinner plate I am replacing with my own stuff, is stabbing his heart, just a little.  I know it is,  his tone when he talks to me at times sounds like it is filled with resentment.  But as bad as that may sound, I totally understand why and I totally take that punch on the chin because he's a boy, not even close to understanding what his emotions mean or how they may or may not affect, the people around him.

This punching bag however, isn't quite as strong as it used to be.  There is a bit of sand leaking from it's seams, not much, but enough to make the metophoric punches tear at the seams a little more.  The stumbling block I have, is that before I can make this place feel like my own, I have to make room, I have to clear the place out before I can do anything.  If a house hasn't been touched for many years and the occupants of the house were aging and ailing, there are quite a few surprises along the way that need attending to and in the meantime, all the boxes from my unit, all of my memories, all of my possessions are packed up in boxes, sitting on the verandah..... waiting for me to move in.

I am walking Steve through the mine field of change and reminding him along the way he isn't alone, reminding him that I love him and that I am trying to create "our place"  trying to make this little peace of heaven ours.  He has noticed the things I have kept that belonged to his Mum and Dad but has never mentioned the things that I haven't kept.  I think he may not realise I have thrown out some of my stuff because I preferred what was already here, so it isn't all about my moving his parents out. Some of me is moving out as well.

I have had melt downs, tantrums, thrown boxes, tape and pens.  I have sat outside and listened to the world instead of packing or unpacking a box.  I wailed like a new born child and shed tears in silence.  I have pushed against this change while embracing the new chapter in my life.  I have rebelled against the new stage but slipped into it like wearing a comfortable pair of shoes and I have wished for something different while quietly looking around thinking "this is home".

It has come to a time now, that moving on is the only option.  But who is it that actually needs to move on. How is it even possible to move on when one is still in the early stages of grieving for not just one person, but 3 people and two pets (which sometimes hurts more).  How do I enable someone else to move on when I feel like my feet are completely cemented in no mans land?  How do I move on if I can't even move around the place I am living in without my shins being abused or my toe stubbed.  How do I move on..... as many wise people have said to me over the past few days, one box at a time.  With each one box I move out, I can move one box in, and that, my friends, is how I am moving on.

© Janeen Hayes 2017

The Addled Insomniac

I should premise this post with saying that I have not been diagnosed with insomnia and I definitely don't mean to offend anyone who has been with my choosing to use the word to describe my sleeping habits.  However, I often find myself wide awake after an hour or so from when I go to bed each night, no matter the amount of time I have been awake before my head hits the pillow.

I have taken sleeping tablets that are supposed to afford me 4 hours sleep and wake up after 2, I have tried the remedies like hot milk, counting sheep, lying in bed and just resting (some would call it meditating), going for a walk or three to tire myself out, herbal remedies, acupuncture and hypnosis. Yet, I still I find myself each night, wide awake, tossing and turning, kicking the blankets off then pulling them back on again and eventually getting so frustrated that I get up and move myself the computer, then later to the recliner (or back to bed) where I usually fall asleep about an hour before my alarm gently wakes me at 5.30am.

I have things on my mind and happening around me sure, but I swear there is nothing that I can contribute to being so earth shattering that it would keep me awake.  I have a job that I don't mind at all really, but it isn't a brain strain.  It keeps me busy and I love that, but I can leave at the end of the day and not think about it until my alarms goes off in the morning.  I have all the things in my life that wouldn't usually cause concern to people, so it isn't that that keeps me awake.  I have people who need to be cared for but now, not to the point where I have to worry about them during the night, so it isn't that keeps me awake.  

It is in the early hours of the morning that I feel my mind is telling me a thousand things it wants to say, some of making sense and some of it are purely the ramblings of a tired and frustrated brain that isn't frustrated from not being able to sleep.  Mostly what I am saying is the same ole same ole and usually whatever comes out is deleted before it sees the light of day.  Sometimes, I find I am actually putting sentences together that I don't mind sharing with the world.  Sometimes I just think I am going bat shit crazy.

Usually when I am typing away at 2.30 in the morning, I have the gentle snores of both my man and my dog in the background, the whirring of the fan about my head (it's summer here) and the sounds of the night that I listen to.  I really love this time of night because even though the volume of the night can be loud sometimes, it is still the most peaceful time for me.  Is it weird to say that I feel regenerated by these early morning ramblings sometimes?  Even when I am not saying anything at all, I feel like by not saying it, I am saying something and that helps to clear my brain.

Later when I read over the thoughts I have written in the early hours of the morning, I am surprised that I sometimes make sense.  Other times, like the paragraph before this one, makes no sense at all.  Rather than delete the paragraph though, I am leaving here in this ramble about nothing, as an insight to what happens when I write things down in the early hours of the morning.

Since I started this blog though, things in my life have changed dramatically.  It surprises me the things we can endure as humans, that life comes and goes and goes on after another life has ended.  Strange that when a person passes, we still want to linger in their memory, keep them with us until we cry.  Why do we do that?

As I have no idea where this was leading or what I was trying to say, it has been after all, some seven or so weeks since I started it and therefore, I don't remember what it was that I was going to say.  So I am leaving it here, totally random both in words and thoughts.

Maybe soon, I will actually write something worth sharing.

© Janeen Hayes 2017

Welcome 2017

As I welcomed in the New Year at midnight, I sat for a few moments and reflected on what the year had been and how it had shaped my hopes and dreams for this new one I had just entered.

They say that you should bring in the New Year the way you want to spend it.  If that is the case, I will be sitting down quietly reading for most of 2017.  The irony to this isn’t lost on me, because although this isn’t originally how I had planned on spending my 2016/2017 New Year’s Eve, it is what I ended up doing and what I will be doing a lot of 2017.

I have books to review and edit and tonnes of reading I want to catch up on because I didn’t get the chance to do it in the year just passed.   I have been accepted into a course this year for emerging leaders and managers and this means I will be doing a lot of reading, at least 30 hours of reading for each of the four units I will be studying.  Some of readings will be about recognizing traits within me, some of it about other people but all of it, aimed at opening doors into my dream job.  So may be, the new year prophecy of doing on the night of the eve of the new year what you plan on doing for the year ahead, just may come true for me.

Although every day in 2016 I expected to be greeted with cold dark stare of death, thankfully, each morning I would walk out to the car momentarily relieved that it was the sounds of life that greeted me.  Even though the precarious balance between life and death resulted in another soul leaving the earth to begin its celestial life again this year, it was a beautiful end, comfortable.  The tunes of a favorite artist greeted the soul, not the awfulness of being found, cold, alone, gone.

Sadness has been such a big part of the past couple of years for me and my loved ones.  I have tried not to let it consume me, dictate my day to day feelings or even shine through every time I opened my mouth.  I have sat and watched the world change, but things for me were the same from one moment to the next.  At times I felt that if I didn’t drown under the weight of everything that was happening that I was being driven six feet under.  I didn’t have time to look after myself, I didn’t have time to watch what I was doing with my own health and I didn’t have time to recognize just how tired I was. 

But over the past few days, although I have said this comment to a few people, I have really come to understand just how true it is, that nothing happened to me last year.  Everything that was going on was happening to the people I loved, my friends, my family, but I was fine.  My man and I were solid.  We were still there for each other through all the bleak dark days and endless nights.  Both of us remained the strength each one of us needed to rely on. 

I have nothing to complain about because I love and I am loved.  I have a roof over my head, a job, money in the bank and a puppy that welcomes me home every day.  I have friends in my life that help me feel complete and family that I love with all of my heart. 

I want to thank every one of you who have been there for me, who have helped me through the year with messages of support and guidance through your friendship or who kept me company in the early hours of the morning as I sat at my computer awake and reading posts.  So many times I found myself wanting to be connected but not always wanting to connect.  Though my silence may have been loud, I was always listening.  Thank you so much for letting me be that person who was able to watch the world from inside my home, feeling safe and secure as I switched on my computer to see how your days had gone, what achievements you had made, what was annoying you, what was making you angry, the people you loved and lost and the memories each of you created living your lives throughout the year.

Goodbye 2016.  I welcome you, 2017.

© Janeen Hayes 2017

 

The Power of Suggestion and Second Chances

I feel like I should be writing words of wisdom (or my wisdom anyway) or at least a funny anecdote that I have in my forever increasing repertoire of life experiences.  But somehow at the moment, it all just seems like its moments.

It's always hard finding time to be good to yourself or to say nice words to yourself when you are busy living life.  I seem to be drifting through it all at the moment, without really stopping to smell the roses so to speak, or at least I was, until last weekend.

Last weekend, I happened to be in a place that I wanted to be nice to myself, give my soul a little love and attention it so richly deserved, so I went to a mind body and spirit festival.  I am always curious about meeting people who claim to have the gift of being able to speak with loved ones on the other side, or using tarot cards to foresee into my future. Along time ago I used to think tarot cards were amazing, until I bought a pack and realized that with each card's meaning, the interpretation of it would change depending on what was happening in my life at the time.  I came to learn that the death card didn't mean someone was going to die, it meant that something was going to end.  Or did it?

Anyway, I was walking with hoards of other people among the numerous "fortune tellers" and "mediums", all either busy talking to a client or quietly sitting there trying to make eye contact or smile as people walked past.  You could see they were hoping that someone would take up the seat opposite them, see them waiting for a the next reading, hoping they could reach someone "from the other side" for the person sitting across from them who would be eagerly waiting for a message to come through.  Me, I was among the throngs of people just walking around, trying to get a feel for the right person to sit in front of.  I don't know what I was trying to feel for though because I don't believe I have a sixth sense, or at least I didn't.

I walked past a particular tarot reader who told me to take a card.  "Go on" she said, "it won't cost you anything for just one card."  I voluntarily reach out to the deck of cards and pull one out then lay it face up on the table in front of me.  "The Master".  The reader says to me "Oh, you have drawn "The Master" then she pauses.  You are very closed off and a master at hiding your feelings.  You don't let anyone in unless you deem them fit and you are certainly very skeptical about life,  Maybe you should try to be more open and wonderful things will come to you."  Interesting to say the least.

I wonder, do you think my standing with my arms folded in front of me and my body turned slightly away from her was giving her any clues as to my state of mind at the time.  Did she interpret my body language as well as the expression on my face to draw that conclusion, or did the card tell her?  Like I said, it is always open to interpretation with tarot cards.

I thanked the woman for her time and continued to walk down the isle of stall holders but as I walked past one lady, I was drawn to her sparkly purple table cloth that had glitter sprinkled around a crystal ball.  Yes, a crystal ball.  So I sat.  I waited.  She looked at me.  She closed her eyes.  She opened her eyes, placed her hands over the crystal ball and said, "Hi Janeen.  Your mum wants to thank you for listening to her and coming to see me today".

I swear you could have picked me up off the floor because I am sure my jaw hit it, if not my whole body.  I swear to you.  I didn't even utter a word to her and I am fairly sure I didn't see any facial recognition software on an iPad, or mobile device of any kind on her table or in her hands.  OMG!!!!

I guess she knew she had me off guard because she then smiled at me and held out her hand, As I placed my hand in hers and held it she said, "Hi, I'm Shirley.  I wanted to run and grab you when you first walked past me earlier, but your mum told me to stay seated because you would be back.  And she was right".

Needless to say I had a very interesting chat with Shirley as we spoke of many things.  Mostly about what happened last year but also a lot about what was possible for the future.  She did tell me that I am loved and protected by several spirits and that I am surrounded by yellow and orange and flowers. Yellow and orange are the colors of warmth and flowers, "What's with the flowers" I said to Shirley. She simply shook her head and said, "I don't know, but your mum wants me to acknowledge these things".

Shirley also told me that Mack, my beloved, would come to me in a dream with my Mum.  I do realize the power of suggestion can be very very strong sometimes, but this was something that I totally forgot about until I woke up crying this morning.  I had a dream last night and in my dream, Mack was lying in my arms telling me he had to go and that he couldn't stay too long, Mum was sitting in the chair beside me and as I held on to Mack as he took his last breaths for the second time, I was able to tell him I was sorry, sorry that I wasn't there for him in the final weeks of his life like I should have been,  sorry for the decision I made to send him to his eternal peace in pet heaven, but that I thought it was the right decision to make for him.  I didn't want him to be in pain but I loved him so very very much and miss him everyday.  In my dream he turned his head to me, and said, "it's okay mum... I am happy, and I love you.  You made the right decision".

Of course, I woke up crying, sobbing in fact.  Is it possible to feel utterly devastated and totally at peace in the same instance?  Even if it was just the power of suggestion, I feel like it has given me, my second chance at saying goodbye.

Thank you Shirley

© Janeen Hayes 2016

Habitual Reactions

It has been said that there are a minimum of 7 'pivotal moments' that happen throughout your life from a young child as you grow into an adult to an age of around 25, that are so profound that they shape your personality for the years to come.  It has also been said that if you can remember at least 3 of those pivotal moments, then you have the chance to change what has probably become destructive and possibly life hindering habitual behaviors. They say 3 events because it generally starts like this, moment one new habit; moment 2 nurturing new habit; and moment 3, solidifying habit for future instinctive recall.  But.... wait, don't panic just yet.  Though those events may be unchangeable, the way you deal with the habitual behaviors in your life today, can be changed if you can recognize those moments and the behavior it created.  All you need to do is work through the moments with the hope of being able to recognize the habit and then trying to create a new habit instead.  Easy right?

Sometimes this can be done by simply replaying the movie of your life, finding those pivotal moments and acknowledging the behavior and instinctive reaction it created.  This will then allow you to be consciously aware of it.  You need to be very present in your day to day life, be aware of yourself at all times and know when you are reacting to something and where that reaction is coming from.  But like I said, you need to be very very present and self aware.  In most cases however, professional help is needed.  There is definitely no shame in that.  So, bring on the soul searching I say, because I know I have some habits that need to change big time.

I bet you didn't know this.  I have an amazing, almost magical ability.  This ability is something I have worked on, manipulated, shaped and honed over who knows, how many years.  This ability of mine is called...... wait for it...... Self Sabotage.  Sometimes referred to by myself as, "You Stoopid Idiot Janeen".

I am fairly certain I know where this, I am going to refer to it as a 'reaction" stems from.  I distinctly remember as a young girl sitting in a hospital room after my family had been involved in a very serious car accident.  Listening to the nurses talk about the injuries of my father and sister was pretty scary stuff for my 7 year old brain, but I definitely remember one of the nurses saying how they felt sorry for my mum. With four young girls to look after, while her husband went through the coming months of recovery and rehabilitation it was going to be a tough time for her and then went on to say, how happy they were that they weren't in her shoes.

As a 7 year old my thoughts were pretty simplistic at the time. I remember thinking in order for me to help mum that I would never be a burden to her and that I would do everything I could to help her. If I was quiet, did everything I could to help but not be seen, then I would help Mum get through what was in front of her.  She wouldn't have to worry about me.  My intentions were in the right place for all I understood it to mean at the time.  I think this is why I tend to keep things to myself, I don't make much noise and I try to blend into the background a lot.  I work through my own problems rather than share them with others because I don't want them to know I am there.  A very pivotal moment in my life as Moment One has occurred.  (Deal with stuff myself, don't be noticed)

Now years down the track, life experiences lived and lessons learned and lessons still to be learned, I have finally realized just how much of an impact that time of my life had on me.  My whole family was lucky to walk away from the accident, but although my father and one of my sisters (I have three older ones) were the only ones with visible injuries, they weren't the only ones that walked away with scars.

I remember another time in my life. As a young girl struggling through puberty with the feelings of insecurity, fear of rejection and learning the hard way that there were differences between me and the boy next door apart from the obvious things, like that he wore jeans and I wore dresses.  I was always referred to as an early bloomer and developed boobs early which brought on reactions from boys that I didn't know what to do with, or really understand.  After a very specific event I learned to be very careful with the way I dressed, careful to dress in clothing that meant I didn't stand out, that I could go about my day and not disturb anyone, hopefully and especially, the boy next door or the boys at school.

I used to be bullied at school.  I learned at a young age to keep my own company and not make too much noise because I didn't want anyone to notice me.  I would sit in the back of the class room hoping that I would make it through the lesson without having anything thrown at me, water poured over my head, my name being used in a stupidly made up dirty verse or that the taunting about my big boobs would stop.  The kids at school used to joke that my boobs would always enter the room first so everyone would know I was coming.   I think this may also be why I am so kind to the underdog and always tell people in my life how beautiful, complete and whole they are, just as they are, without needing to change anything unless they want too.  A very pivotal moment in my life as Moment Two has occurred. Hide yourself. Don't be noticed. Being noticed causes pain. Change what you are doing so that no-one notices you again.

Needless to say, another event occurred when I was in my late teens.  Moment Three solidified my behavior as it made me even more determined to change what I looked like.  The habitual reaction to change things if I get noticed, make sure I don't stand out or make people see me created a self sabotage habit that I was yet to become aware I had.

Anyway, I have done all of these things to hide myself from the world.  Until recently I refused to have my photo taken, I didn't want to lose weight, what if someone noticed.  I didn't want my skin to look refreshed because what if someone noticed.  I wouldn't put figure hugging clothes on when I had one, because, what if someone noticed.  And makeup - well, less is more right.. I put make up on once, and a boy laughed at me and said I looked like a clown.  Someone noticed me.  Better change that then right!  But here's the kicker.... I have put such a protective shell around me and so much weight that now my health is at risk and I need to make some changes to make that change, a life change, a sustainable change.

Right here, right now.  I have come to learn about my self sabotage and how I am doing it again, slipping into self sabotage mode.  Because in trying to get myself healthy, in trying to change my life, or at least give myself a chance at one, I am making changes.  This means however, people are starting to comment on how good I look, how my skin is glowing, how my weight loss is awesome, and I look so alive.  And I am fighting like crazy to not self sabotage myself into an early grave.  But it's a struggle, it is a fight every moment of my waking life and a constant reoccurring voice in my head, don't self sabotage, don't self sabotage, oops, your self sabotaging, STOP IT

Soul searching 101 has bought me here, to this blog, to this putting down my thoughts, feelings and emotions.  It's okay if you notice me here because here, I am just words on a screen. You are not seeing me.  There is also another reason for my telling you this, and probably the most important reason for putting it out there for people to see, to read, to comment on, (or at least in my mind there is), it makes me accountable to someone.  I need help, I need to desperately change this behavior, this destructive instinctual merry-go-round reaction because being noticed, is okay, or so I keep telling myself.

Oh My Gawd - what if someone notices.

To Believe or Not to Believe - That is the Question

Okay, so I went to see a medium the other day.  Some people may believe in them, some people may not, that's okay, what ever you believe is fine with me after all, who am I to judge.  I have been to a few mediums over the years... I've met some that have totally floored me with their "insight" and others I have walked away from thinking that they may have been on some sort of hippy fluid that if I was that way inclined myself, I wouldn't mind trying at least once in my lifetime.

According to this latest medium, I was an elder from an Hawaiian background in a previous life.  I was well loved and respected and supposedly, very wise and sort after for my "healing" abilities.  I am supposedly off the charts when it comes to emotional intelligence but still a child when it comes to dealing with my own personal demons.  She said I need to go back and find the inner child I left behind and bring it into today.  Hmm, yeah, I see what she is saying, but I am sure that particular "insight" isn't exclusive to me.

My father, bless him, is evidently playing cards now - something he never did when he was alive...unless solitaire counts?  He used to play that on the computer - A LOT!!!  He wanted me to know that he is okay, that he is healing and that Mum is with him too and she is also doing fine.  He told the medium to tell me he is sorry.  Evidently he has a lot of regrets and now, in hindsight would love to come back to earth to live his life again and do things a little bit differently.  Hey Dad!!!  It was what it was, don't ever think you have to come back to do it all again.  - I love you regardless.

She also told me that my relationship was secure and long lasting, that I am going to travel and see wonderful things in my life.  I am well protected as I carry a lot of spirit with me.  I have the ability to earn a living from my "hobby" and I have been told to do a short stories or creative writing course. She also told me to be wary of a couple of people (no she didn't name them) but she said that I
know who they are and where they are and that I absolutely know instinctively when to back down around these people. - For the record, I think I know who they are and if I am right, I only back down because I just can't be bothered with them, not because I fear them or that they intimidate me in anyway.  Trust me, there is more to my life than what these people think they think or know of me.

She told me that I have to give and receive more.  I have to concentrate on what I enjoy in life and make things happen around me.  I am on the right track with my health and she said she could "see" that there had been and will continue to be, only good things to come with regard to my health. Whoo hooo.... chocolate bar, here I come.  She also told me that she sees a move for me, an opportunity to move to somewhere near water (I currently live a 5 minute walk from a creek) and lots and lots of flowers.  Honestly, I have no idea where these flowers are coming from but she said they are everywhere.  Okay, I get it, there are lots of flowers... Just don't tell my black thumbs about the flowers, let them bloom in the spirit world I say, my thumbs on this plain, will kill them.

She believes I should paint.  I told her, I would have to practice drawing straight lines first, because if my life depended on my drawing straight lines, I would be dead for sure.  But, they say painting isn't about straight lines and it can be subjective, abstract, anything really, as long as the artist can interpret it into something that the artsy people of this world like and would buy.  Please don't tell this to my Pictionary partner, because she would say that my picture of the Mona Lisa is definitely interpretive.... just not to anyone who actually needs to guess what it is I am drawing for the sake of the game.

The Medium said that I was going to be driving a new car, a red one at that.  It was going to be sporty and that my Father is shaking his head at me because I will drive it too fast.  I have always said that it isn't my fault the world is driving 5klms slower than I am and that being in front of everyone else on the road, means that I don't have to worry about what they are doing behind me.  It definitely isn't my fault that the guy in the car next to me also feels that way and off we both go after the traffic lights change, in a cloud of burned rubber and red lined engine smoke to see who is first when the lane merges to one further down the road.  I promise you that I only ever do this if there are no woman and children around... Mainly because some mummy drivers and some young "children" drivers (newbies to the driving world - hence I call them children) believe they are invincible on the road and who am I to prove them wrong.  :) For the record, I don't have children and I am not a newbie driver so I don't  fall into either of these categories.  I think I fit rather well into the "mostly good, but sometimes do dumb things" driver category.

So, most of what she was telling me was pretty generic and nothing at all exclusive to me and I was sitting in front of this woman listening to what she was saying thinking, yeah.... I think you might not quite be the real deal here.  Sure you are insightful, but.... you may just be good at reading people here and not necessarily talking to spirit.

But then......

Janeen, I keep seeing a beautiful, black and white cat laying on your pillow when you sleep and he is often curled up between your body and your keyboard when you sit at the computer.  He is happy and he said to tell you that he is eating and peeing (yes you are reading that right) and that you don't have to worry about him.  He is happy with the decision you made because it meant that he only ever knew happiness and never new what pain was.  He said to tell you that if you had waited another few days he would have been in so much pain that he probably would have hurt you and lashed out at you. You definitely were his Mummy and he loved and loves you so much. For those that don't know, I had Mack my cat put down in August last year because he had developed renal failure.  I had noticed that he wasn't eating and hadn't been to the toilet in over a week - among other things over the previous months, and made the decision to put him to eternal sleep rather than see him suffer through his illness and die a slow and inevitable painful death.  There is absolutely no-way on this living plain that this woman would have know this.  Trust Me.

And then....

Janeen, there is a young man present who says he knows your partner.  He wants you to pass on to your partner that he is sorry he didn't go to him and he is sorry that he chose to kill himself rather than seek help.  Please tell your partner that he is healing on the other side, he is learning to live so that when he is ready to return, he won't make the same decision again.  But please tell you partner, his friend is doing okay, and that he loves him.

I spoke to Steve about this when I got home, and yes, there was a friend of his that committed suicide though I had never met him... and what he asked me to pass on to Steve, was exactly what Steve had said he often thought about when he thought of this friend.

After I drew three angel cards, all of them very relevant to me at the time, there were several other things that the medium and I spoke about, all of them equally poignant but for my ears only.  She was more than she appeared to be at first.  Even if there were no earth shattering revelations for me and there isn't any life change questions I needed answers to I am glad that I went to speak with her.  That she was able to see my Dad who passed in July last year and Mack who passed in August last year, at this time in my life, fills me with warmth.

I am somewhat more at ease with my decision about Mack, though I miss him desperately and most likely will for a long time to come.  I know I can't go back in time and change anything, everything that has been done is past now and can't be changed.  I find speaking to the spirits around me through a medium makes a nice change to just speaking to the "empty" room I am standing in.

I do believe I am a believer of this Medium and that this one may have something there that I will explore more in the future...

Or not!

© Janeen Hayes 2016