It has been said that there are a minimum of 7 'pivotal moments' that happen throughout your life from a young child as you grow into an adult to an age of around 25, that are so profound that they shape your personality for the years to come. It has also been said that if you can remember at least 3 of those pivotal moments, then you have the chance to change what has probably become destructive and possibly life hindering habitual behaviors. They say 3 events because it generally starts like this, moment one new habit; moment 2 nurturing new habit; and moment 3, solidifying habit for future instinctive recall. But.... wait, don't panic just yet. Though those events may be unchangeable, the way you deal with the habitual behaviors in your life today, can be changed if you can recognize those moments and the behavior it created. All you need to do is work through the moments with the hope of being able to recognize the habit and then trying to create a new habit instead. Easy right?
Sometimes this can be done by simply replaying the movie of your life, finding those pivotal moments and acknowledging the behavior and instinctive reaction it created. This will then allow you to be consciously aware of it. You need to be very present in your day to day life, be aware of yourself at all times and know when you are reacting to something and where that reaction is coming from. But like I said, you need to be very very present and self aware. In most cases however, professional help is needed. There is definitely no shame in that. So, bring on the soul searching I say, because I know I have some habits that need to change big time.
I bet you didn't know this. I have an amazing, almost magical ability. This ability is something I have worked on, manipulated, shaped and honed over who knows, how many years. This ability of mine is called...... wait for it...... Self Sabotage. Sometimes referred to by myself as, "You Stoopid Idiot Janeen".
I am fairly certain I know where this, I am going to refer to it as a 'reaction" stems from. I distinctly remember as a young girl sitting in a hospital room after my family had been involved in a very serious car accident. Listening to the nurses talk about the injuries of my father and sister was pretty scary stuff for my 7 year old brain, but I definitely remember one of the nurses saying how they felt sorry for my mum. With four young girls to look after, while her husband went through the coming months of recovery and rehabilitation it was going to be a tough time for her and then went on to say, how happy they were that they weren't in her shoes.
As a 7 year old my thoughts were pretty simplistic at the time. I remember thinking in order for me to help mum that I would never be a burden to her and that I would do everything I could to help her. If I was quiet, did everything I could to help but not be seen, then I would help Mum get through what was in front of her. She wouldn't have to worry about me. My intentions were in the right place for all I understood it to mean at the time. I think this is why I tend to keep things to myself, I don't make much noise and I try to blend into the background a lot. I work through my own problems rather than share them with others because I don't want them to know I am there. A very pivotal moment in my life as Moment One has occurred. (Deal with stuff myself, don't be noticed)
Now years down the track, life experiences lived and lessons learned and lessons still to be learned, I have finally realized just how much of an impact that time of my life had on me. My whole family was lucky to walk away from the accident, but although my father and one of my sisters (I have three older ones) were the only ones with visible injuries, they weren't the only ones that walked away with scars.
I remember another time in my life. As a young girl struggling through puberty with the feelings of insecurity, fear of rejection and learning the hard way that there were differences between me and the boy next door apart from the obvious things, like that he wore jeans and I wore dresses. I was always referred to as an early bloomer and developed boobs early which brought on reactions from boys that I didn't know what to do with, or really understand. After a very specific event I learned to be very careful with the way I dressed, careful to dress in clothing that meant I didn't stand out, that I could go about my day and not disturb anyone, hopefully and especially, the boy next door or the boys at school.
I used to be bullied at school. I learned at a young age to keep my own company and not make too much noise because I didn't want anyone to notice me. I would sit in the back of the class room hoping that I would make it through the lesson without having anything thrown at me, water poured over my head, my name being used in a stupidly made up dirty verse or that the taunting about my big boobs would stop. The kids at school used to joke that my boobs would always enter the room first so everyone would know I was coming. I think this may also be why I am so kind to the underdog and always tell people in my life how beautiful, complete and whole they are, just as they are, without needing to change anything unless they want too. A very pivotal moment in my life as Moment Two has occurred. Hide yourself. Don't be noticed. Being noticed causes pain. Change what you are doing so that no-one notices you again.
Needless to say, another event occurred when I was in my late teens. Moment Three solidified my behavior as it made me even more determined to change what I looked like. The habitual reaction to change things if I get noticed, make sure I don't stand out or make people see me created a self sabotage habit that I was yet to become aware I had.
Anyway, I have done all of these things to hide myself from the world. Until recently I refused to have my photo taken, I didn't want to lose weight, what if someone noticed. I didn't want my skin to look refreshed because what if someone noticed. I wouldn't put figure hugging clothes on when I had one, because, what if someone noticed. And makeup - well, less is more right.. I put make up on once, and a boy laughed at me and said I looked like a clown. Someone noticed me. Better change that then right! But here's the kicker.... I have put such a protective shell around me and so much weight that now my health is at risk and I need to make some changes to make that change, a life change, a sustainable change.
Right here, right now. I have come to learn about my self sabotage and how I am doing it again, slipping into self sabotage mode. Because in trying to get myself healthy, in trying to change my life, or at least give myself a chance at one, I am making changes. This means however, people are starting to comment on how good I look, how my skin is glowing, how my weight loss is awesome, and I look so alive. And I am fighting like crazy to not self sabotage myself into an early grave. But it's a struggle, it is a fight every moment of my waking life and a constant reoccurring voice in my head, don't self sabotage, don't self sabotage, oops, your self sabotaging, STOP IT
Soul searching 101 has bought me here, to this blog, to this putting down my thoughts, feelings and emotions. It's okay if you notice me here because here, I am just words on a screen. You are not seeing me. There is also another reason for my telling you this, and probably the most important reason for putting it out there for people to see, to read, to comment on, (or at least in my mind there is), it makes me accountable to someone. I need help, I need to desperately change this behavior, this destructive instinctual merry-go-round reaction because being noticed, is okay, or so I keep telling myself.
Oh My Gawd - what if someone notices.
